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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 10/30/2005 5:10:28 PM | You have to say “Not tonight dear…I may hurt you.”
You’ve scheduled 10 different appointments for a pap test.
You can’t move without arching your back.
You haven’t seen a man’s face in weeks even though you work in a male prison.
Variety in your sex life means scanning threads like this for new masturbation techniques.
Someone telling you to f*ck off is close enough to sex to give you an orgasm. | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 10/30/2005 6:42:13 PM | Dear Diary:
Day 1:
Just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.
Day 2:
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he evens walks with a limp.
Day 3:
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4:
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' Its called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5:
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, I have to admit....
Day 6:
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell...
Day 7:
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 8:
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.
Day 9:
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed...
Day 10:
I wish he were gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
Day 11:
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.
Day 12:
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.
Day 13:
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to...stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself...he did. He must die. | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 10/30/2005 7:04:40 PM | When you find yourself feeling a bit desperate at times~~ I never let myself get too desperate though.... No way ((done with all of the "regret-type" behavior of the past))  | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 10/31/2005 2:44:42 PM | Thats ok deborah It was still funny ;).
...When u see a bunny and you think of playboy
...(canadians will get this joke) the impotent ciggarrette picture on the box turns u on
...You see the cover to the Rocky horror Picture show and get really horny | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:40:34 PM | You know you are too horny when........
Most of your pay check goes for buying batteries.
The pickles in the jar are looking better and better everyday.
Your dildo is starting to get bare spots on it from using it so much.
You can't wait to use your new toy so you try it on the way home. | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:21:35 PM | Sure Dangerdan....funny for you maybe!
Nevermind the impotent cigarette.....the diseased organ pictures are starting to turn me on. | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/2/2005 10:55:34 AM | You know you're too Horny When...
Chocolate no longer takes the edge off
You're happy the Bananas are still green
Thong Underwear feels good
The Rude Smelly Biker & Weird Ugly Geek are starting to look like viable options
You're seriously considering making a Booty Call to your Psycho Ex-Boyfriend
You refuse to get off the Mechanical Bull
Your gear shift is wet | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/2/2005 8:48:12 PM | ...you leave your car in the garage and ride the bus...just for the vibration
...you leave erotic messages for yourself on the answering machine
...You write a lot more letter just so you can lick the stamps and envelopes
...you wear depends to bed at night because of those damn dreams
...You call strangers in the middle of the night just to hear them swear at you | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/5/2005 7:17:50 PM | ... Just hearing the word wood gets you hard
... Your Ex girlfriend from 4 years ago is looking hot again
... When Your sister is lookig more appealing every day
... The local farmers sheep are starting to look DAMN good
... When you start hanging out with your ugly friend just to have a better chance of picking up
... Your on these stupid internet site trying to... ...Well you get the Point | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/6/2005 4:07:52 PM | | When you get an obscene phone call late at night and you tell them, "Hold on,.....let me get a cigarette!" | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/7/2005 9:34:36 AM | | (for KY and TN residents).............when you walk past your sister at home and realize that, hey, she's got a booty! | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/7/2005 2:48:12 PM | When you phone your ex to re-live some old 'good times' after being away from him for a long time.
The idea of a hospital gown excites you. | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/8/2005 1:49:33 PM | When ur battery powerd toothbrush serves a MUCH better purpose then just brushing teeth
When <~~~~~ this excites you
When  <~~~~ this makes u wonder about your own thumb
When the R~kelly video is in ur VCR for 4 yrs to date
When you start comparing items in your house to see which one u might get better use out of
lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 11/28/2005 3:19:53 PM | | You wake up at home and the last thing you remember is french kissing one of the old ladies in the nursing home you volunteer at. | |
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| You Know Youre Too Horny When...
Posted: 12/20/2005 12:03:20 AM | When you go out with your ex to sort out Christmas gifts for you children and as he leaves you notice that your face is frozen to the screen door because it is -25 outside.
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