| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:30:40 PM | OK coming from someone that was the same way as your daughter was. I was 10 years old and my father passed away. Well, my mom started to date eventually and all he** broke loose! I was rude to her dates I called her all the time and yelled at her. I was a total brat. But this is what my mother said to me. She told me that "I will always be your mom and you will always be my baby. However I need to be happy too, and I need to have a life. Because you are not always going to be around." Example college and my own dates and so on. So that really hit something in me and I was OK from that time on. Why don't you ask your daughter how she would feel if you kept her from going out on dates and hanging out with her friends?
Just a suggestion. Good luck. I am sure it will get better. She is scared of loosing her mommy just like she lost her daddy. I can relate to her.  | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:26:33 AM | | I can very much so relate!! I had a friend over for the weekend, my daughter knows him, and she got such a attitude. I asked her why and she said she wasn't ready to share mom with someone else. Her father and I have been seperated for 2 years now. I had dated a few others and had one that lived with us for awhile. I didn't have problems then. BUt since the first of the year, I discovered her dad was abusing her so we have been dealing with court and all that stuff. Well, court ended last week(good news for us). She told me when I asked her that it was too soon after court for me to be dating anyone. I told her that I needed someone to talk to about things i couldn't talk to with them about. We are in counciling too but it also helps to have someone there to comfort you with your worrries. I also told her that he wasn't going to hurt her like that and that I didn't love her any less and that I wasn't being taken away from her. It's hard to deal with. I don't want to upset her but I also know that I can't let her control my life. I talked to him about it too and since he lives in another town, he is willing to limit his visits with us. When he's there, he plays with my kids too and doesn't leave them out. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 3:32:30 PM | | it's not about your children controling your life cellabear, it's about you taking control of your own life and making the right choices for you and your children. your daughter has clearly communicated her needs to you and you ignore her... why should she ever confide in you or look to you for protection if you're not going to listen to her when she tells you "she wasn't ready to share mom with someone else." your children and THEIR needs should always come before your own... that's a part of the sacrifice you made when you decided you have children. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 3:56:29 PM | You are right Kitty that is part of being a mommy. We all have done it. I don't think that if my daughter said that to me, I would have had a man over for the weekend regardless if you needed someone to talk to or not. There is nights and days that I would love someone to talk to however I don't have them come over for the weekends either. I don't let my daughter meet any dates in till I know for sure this is someone that I want to be a part of my life either as a friend or more. My daughter is my number one priority and kids don't need to see men and women coming in and out of there parents lives. In the long run it WILL have a effect on them.
I am not saying DON'T DATE in till your kids are in college but be a little more descreet about it. I remember like it was yesterday seeing my mom have men come and go and this I know now is because she was lonely but I don't think it was the best thing for me growing up either. The guys felt like they had to kiss my A$$ in order to date my mom and that just was awful!! They tried to act like my dad too and that was even worse. I can remember telling one that "my daddy was in springboro cematary and I didn't want another one." I remember not want to share my mommy, and that is the worse feeling in the world for a kid to think that they are going to loose there mommy or daddy over someone that they are dating.  | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 4:05:59 PM | How old is your daughter? It sounds like you have both had a rough go of it. I understand your desire to have someone in your life. But there is something you need to be aware of. YOur daughter has been betrayed in the most horrible way by her own father. She is going to have HUGE HUGE trust issues with men because of it...and possibly even with you. I don't know what your therapist has told you, but I think you should not introduce her to any men right now. They should not even be at your home. She needs to heal. She needs time to trust again.
I am not saying you should not date....I hope you have supportive friends and family that will make it possible for you to go out and have a personal life. I would suggest that you keep it separate from your daughter. Just my opinion...and good luck to you and your daughter.
btw..my daughter hates my boyfriend..and she has not even met him yet...dating is not going to be easy. My daughter comes first..and for the time being...I will keep that part of my life separate from her. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 8:52:35 PM | | My daughter is 10 and my children do come first before anything else. He was a friend that has been a friend for a long time. She isn't scared of all men. She knows that they aren't all like her father. She didn't tell me til after he was there that she wasn't ready to share me. I took that to heart. He talked to her too and told her he was here just to help all of us and he wasn't there to hurt anyone. I don't parade all kinds of men in my house either cause I do know how she feels. I was there too when I was a child. I talk to my children before I do anything that involves all of us(including me going out whether with a guy or my female friends. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 8:56:28 PM | Well that is great but I think I still would have asked him to leave after knowing how my daughter felt about this. Maybe that just wasn't a good time for him to be there for the weekend and I am sure he would have understood that if he is such a good friend. Just my thought. I wouldn't ever do something like that to my daughter if she felt bad that someone was here I would ask that person to leave and if he didn't understand why then so be it.  | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:00:53 PM | | He did go back home after we all sit and talked. He was very understanding about it. He is a very caring man and wants only whats best for my kids. After he left, my daughter said that she was afraid that he was going to take me away from her. She knows now that he isn't going to do that or any man for that matter. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:08:35 PM |
My daughter is 10 and my children do come first before anything else. He was a friend that has been a friend for a long time. She isn't scared of all men. She knows that they aren't all like her father. She didn't tell me til after he was there that she wasn't ready to share me. I took that to heart. He talked to her too and told her he was here just to help all of us and he wasn't there to hurt anyone. I don't parade all kinds of men in my house either cause I do know how she feels. I was there too when I was a child. I talk to my children before I do anything that involves all of us(including me going out whether with a guy or my female friends.
I am sorry your previous post didn't say that he went home just simply that he talked to the kids and that she didn't tell you think in till he was there. Well if he went home that is shows he is a good guy. I just know how I felt when I was growing up and a long time friend or just some guy it didn't make a difference they where taking a part of my mom away and I didn't like it. That is why I don't bring many guys around my little one. I don't want her to feel as though she has to compeat for my attention. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:38:07 AM | | I understand what you were saying. I was the same with my mom. I did the same as my daughter did to me when my mom was dating the man she's married to now. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 11/7/2005 4:33:21 PM | I can only ask who the person in control here is?
Kids grow and go!
I am sure that when she turns 18 she will not want to stay home with you.
The dating is for You, not her...so it realy is not her business.
Put yourself first .... always ... then you can care for others. Children are there to be guided not to guide.
Go out and have fun ... she will get over it! | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 11/8/2005 6:33:42 AM | | ^^^^this coming from a man who can't keep a commitment to just one woman... i'd beware of taking advice from someone, who at 41, can't be honest, let alone faithful. | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 38 | |
| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 11/8/2005 7:21:58 AM | bigger guy..i wasnt going to participate in this thread as people have given such great advice already..then i saw your post.
the person is control?? hopefully neither..this is about protecting and loving your children, not controlling them.
kids grow and go? no..they grow but as any parent knows, they never leave your life, they are part of you whether you like it or not and a certain degree of responsibilty remains for them whether they are 2 yrs old or 50.
the dating is for her while it is kept away from the child..once children are involved it IS their business and if it makes her feel unhappy, unsafe, left out or even jealous then it should be handled with the utmost tact and consideration.
as parents we put our children first..i think it goes without saying.
kids dont simply "get over" things that they experience..if not delt with then it can have huge implications on their adult lives and those of their children to follow. | |
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j-mix
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Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 39 | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/6/2006 2:29:09 AM | i was 14 when my mom started dating again. i hated every single man she went out with, whether i met them or not. When she met Jack (who is now my step dad) i strongly disliked him. I couldn't help but feel angry towards my mom for bringing someone new into her life to love. i felt like she was taking away love from me, so she could love him.
i think you really need to have a conversation with your daughter, and make sure she understands that just becaus eyou have a man in your life it does not mean you love her less...but you just have a different part of your heart that want to love someone for yourself. She might not understand at first, but once she sees how happy he makes you...and if he tries to involve her in some activites and stuff...she might losen up. she won't show it though for a long time. it took me about 4 years for me to tell mys tep dad that i loved him.
i know what made it really hard for me when my mom dated was that she stopped doing things we did weekly so that she could go out on dates. we use to order pizza every Sunday, and go swimming every wedneday, but eventually those stopped...and i think it would have been a lot easier if she kept those things with me and my sister, and kept them things that her bf couldn't come too. you need to have that scheduled time with your daughter...something that only you and her do, so that she gets that time.
if you look at her from her point...if you are going out on dates once or twice a week, but she doesn't get to go out with you like that - it will be hard on her. taking your daughter out on 'dates' will make her feel equally important. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/6/2006 3:15:57 AM | its gonna take a lot of time and love. my daughter went through that for a while and it was my ex causing the problems. she was dating abusive men and thought my daughter should obey these men no matter what. course i had to put a stop to that real quick. threatened to file for full custody if she didnt stop it.
you daughter has the same problems mine did. feelings of betrayal cause you and your husband seperated. she wants you back together. all kids are that way for a while. but what id suggest is to ask her what she wants to do. she is a part of your life and a damned more important than any guy you could bring home.
but then again, if you take it slow with the boyfriend and introduce him a little at a time. if hes a great guy shell eventually warm up to him. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/6/2006 7:46:39 AM | I have been in a similiar situation with my own daughter, but not to your extreme.
I did a few things different and they did seem to work.
I didnt talk about my boyfriend around her. 16 year old kids are curious what their parents are doing and they will ask if you are not offering any info up.
My daughter knew I was dating and yet I didnt really speak of him. So gradually she started asking me things like....so ahhh mom...what does he do anyway?
He builds things honey. He what? He builds beautiful homes honey. Ohhh wow...she says. Thoughtful look on her end....so where are these homes? Me = would you like to see one, we can drive by?
gradually my daughter asked...so ahhh...what does he do besides build houses?
Me= Well...he has a few hobbies that are pretty neat. He is into nutrition and he body builds. He what? How?
Well he just knows from years of experience and how and what to do to get what he wants from his body. Someday when you meet him, that would be a great topic to bring up to him.
Daughter= Do you guys ever fight? Is he mean? Me= well sure we have fights who doesnt? But its how we deal with those fights is whats important. We arent cruel and hateful to each other.
Daughter= But is he MEAN? Me= not to me because he loves me. He loves you too without ever meeting you. He isnt mean...but if we were all out somewhere and someone tried to hurt us, I bet he would get a lil mean. Wink.
Daughter = I bet he is boring and wouldnt like me. Me= He has yet to meet you and he has never said such a thing about you. He actually likes some of the music you do.
Daughter= He does? Me= Yep.
Daughter= but what if you guys dont work out, i will HATE him!
Me = If we dont work out then that is apart of life. These are learning experiences and that is what life is about. Why would you hate him? If we dont work out, he certainly wouldnt hate you.
A lil time goes by...doo bee doo...
One day you ask your daughter....hey honey, we were thinking of going to the city animal shelter and taking some animals out for a walk. We are going to be volunteers for the day to help the animals...we would love it if you came along. Bring your math book with you honey, he is going to show you a few tricks with those math problems that I cant seem to figure out.
A man shouldnt have to BUY his way in either. But its a great ice breaker to tell your daughter that you and her are going for manicures or a haircut and the boyfriend is buying. Young girls love that. Its quick and cheap and a nice gesture. Have the bf wave at you guys while you are getting your nails or hair done. Have him make some funny faces at you both. She wont be able to help herself not smile.
The best thing I did was not push him onto her. I let her with all her natural curiousity ASK about him herself. Then i just filled in the blanks for her.
if your boyfriend has a neat hobby tell her about it if she asks. If he plays guitar or is some sort of group leader, or collects something, let her know about it when she asks about him.
Tell it to her in a round about way ....casually.
There is an obvious line that your daughter cannot be allowed to cross given you are the parent and she is the child. When you go out, its important that you let her know not to call unless its an emergency. Explain this isnt because you dont want to talk to her, but that this is mommy time. SHe wont like it, but thats the way it goes.
Given her depression and past eating disorder, I would make sure that daily I spent some time with her on a quality level. Its hard when they are teenagers and parents work etc. But there is always some part of the day that can be pencilled in for quality daughter and mom time. Make that a certain time everyday, she will know to expect it. She may even decide she doesnt like it. Tough.
At 16 kids are incredibly difficult. I got used to keeping it simple with my daughter. When she threw a fit and ranted and raved about something ridiculous. I let her finish her rant. Then in the end I looked at her and said....I appreciate your point of view, but what i said stands. | |
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