| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 12/14/2005 2:51:13 PM | | hmmm whether or not you care about the girl you HAVE to tell her regardless because that is totally wrong for you to wreck her life even of you don't have feelings....She deserves to know so she can get proper medical testing and so on because if you don't tell her then once she gets pregnant, she can pass that on to the baby giving the baby serious problems at birth and so on....So be a man and do the right thing.... | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 12/14/2005 8:18:56 PM | | Good for you anonymousdude for stepping out and bringing the subject up. Sorry you had to listen to rude and ignorant comments. As someone on here said there are incredible numbers of people who have it so you are not alone. You got some good advice as well. You should try some of the sites on the net that deal with this such as Antopia and talk to other people who have been there. The sad part if there are a lot of people who have it but dont know it because they haven't had an outbreak. And it certainly not something to joke about, good luck. | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 12/18/2005 7:45:06 PM | | PLEASE tell the girl you have it. it is not right not to tell her and if she leaves then so be it. shes wasnt for you. | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:17:24 PM | K...here's the deal. If you are having any plans to get with someone....even if you just have feelings towards it....and she had the same....then you have to tell her. It is just simple respect. If she cares about you....then you can work things out from there.
When you do tell her.....let her know that you understand her thoughts-only if you do- and make sure you discuss it. Research it.....education is always the best.
And if you ever get with a person where there is a chance of them contracting it....then if you don't tell them you obviously are not grown up enough to be having that sort of relation.
Yes it is hard. Yes it is going to be stressful....but you have to think about the other person..not yourself.
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 1/17/2006 1:12:29 PM | You just tell them... it's that simple..
I've just recently met an incredible man and once we got to the point we knew chemistry was there and wanted to begin the steps toward a long term relationship I had to tell him.
He took it well... got on the internet and researched it, asked questions and made his decision.  for me!
It doesn't always go that way and if the guy bolts than I know he was just in it for the sex and I am better off without him.
I have had it for 20+ years and have learned to control it through diet. To this day not one partner has contracted it. Just be cautious and above all... HONEST! | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 1/17/2006 1:26:10 PM | how about....
Hey guess what?!? I gave you the butterflies of love... oui oui (and try saying it with a Peppy LePew accent). | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:49:14 PM | | I've got an std and I'm up front right away about it..the guy may not come back...oh well, sh*t happens. If I find someone that accepts it, great..if not then it's his choice. He's missing out on a great person | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 2/17/2006 10:26:34 AM | | hey darichick i wish some people were up front as you are!!unfortunately someone i knew wasn't upfront about her situation. | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 8/6/2006 12:51:09 PM | I usually tell people once there is definately some potential for a relationship. I think you need to tell this girl now. I think the best way to bring this up is by telling her how you feel about her and where you see the two of you heading relationship wise. Then you need to tell her you have herpes. Give her a moment to digest this. She may react badly, it's a scary thing and she may not have the stats. If she takes it alright give her the chance to ask questions and answer them with hard facts. That way she can make an educated choice. If she isn't up to discussing it maybe write down some addresses to good sites on the net so if and when she's ready she can get informed.
You may end up being rejected and of course this is a discouraging thought but keep in mind that if she can't accept this minor virus then she's not the kind of girl you want in your life.
You may even be suprised. 1 in 4 women has genital herpes, she may just tell you that she has it too.
Best of luck,
Jill | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 8/6/2006 1:29:40 PM | to women especially pregnant women and their babies this is NOT a minor virus,...
it can be both live threatening,...and cause birth defects that include among the list deformaties, blindness , brain dammage, and death,.....
so telling is responsible,....and imperrative,.... | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 8/6/2006 8:05:12 PM | Having children when you have herpes really ins't dangerous if you have proper medical care. Herpes is generally harmless. Most people who have Herpes have safe and healthy babies. Obviously proper medical care is a must.
I have herpes (type 2) and I know of it's challenges but all in all it isn't that bad. The most debilitating part of having herpes is the stimgma attatched. I would NEVER have a relationship with someone and keep my herpes status a secret. I agree everyone has a moral responsibility to inform their partners of any STDs they may have. I don't believe that anyone has the right to potentially infect someone with an STD without sharing their sexual health history and making their potentail partner aware so that their partner can make that choice.
Best of luck to everyone
Jill | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 8/19/2006 2:05:50 PM | I have had HSV 2 for 13 years, compliments of my ex who knew she had it and did not tell me until after she infected myself.
My experiences when telling any woman about this condition are not good ones.
As soon as I tell a woman I have a skin rash that shows up now and then and it is called Genital Herpes, well she can't run fast enough.
Some have said very cruel and hurtful things to myself as well.
If I develope a friendship via online dating, and it looks like the relationship is going to the next level, I will tell the woman.
CLICK! Friendship over!
On some dating sites I mention HSV in my profile, almost nobody contacts myself, unless to chew me out for having the nerve to post my diseased -self to the site.
The sites where I do not mention it, I get some contacts, but only until I mention HSV.
Bottom line is most people are shallow, ignorant and narrow minded and down right cruel.
There is an unwritten rule among most women; they will not spend any time getting to know a man that she will not have sex with.
A rule I have noticed is: if the woman is just intending to waste a few years of your life, take what she can and move on, she will not date a man with an STD, after all she does not want to become damaged goods herself which would limit her potential future targets.
My reasoning guys is this: if the woman does not run after you tell her then there are two possibilities why she did not run,
1) she has a worse STD than herpes she is not telling you about (get her tested)
2) she really does care about you, is likely planning on staying, in that case treat her BETTER THAN YOU HAVE EVER TREATED ANY WOMAN!!
As far as the 'right' time to tell a woman........well there is no right time.
Sort of like there is no right time to tell someone that their favorite Chinese restaurant with the different looking chicken served in the sweet and sour chicken just got closed down because it really was not chicken!! Meow!!
Personally I now live a very solitary life to avoid the cruelty of most women, and I never eat Oriental food!!
John | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 2/18/2007 9:43:21 AM | | i feel like being a prick now lol,some people i knew should have the balls to tell their future partners off the bat about this before starting a relationship with someone new | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 2/18/2007 12:44:59 PM | Its wrong to chance giving it to someone else without their knowledge. Herpes wont be the end of her world, but I suggest you either hope she is smart enough to do some reading/research on the subject before making her decision.
Most people pass it on without knowing they have it themselves oftentimes. At least she is getting that option. I can think of being told much worse things than 'I have HSV-2', like, 'Hey, im pregnant'  | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 2/18/2007 1:59:00 PM | | i think its your duty to tell her you have it to be honest. as long as she knows all the facts that she can only catch it when it flares up etc all should be fine. and if she finishes with you because of it then she's really not worth it. but maybe you could get her some kind of leaflet it on it aswell. | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 2/18/2007 2:07:16 PM | Facts:
HSV-1 and HSV-2 are related viruses. THEY ARE NOT IDENTICAL. They share ~50% homology (not all the much). They vary on their site of infection (mucosal tissue surfaces).
2/3rds of those infected with EITHER virus do not show overt symptoms. Whether or not someone knows they are carriers, they can infect you. Most infected individuals will cease having outbreaks within a period of 5-7 yrs after initial infection. They are still infectious and they still have the virus, but at low titers.
The chance of being infected is titer dependent (infected individuals number of viral particles that can be shed) AND in the uninfected individuals immune competency.
In other words, if you have a very healthy immune system, you MAY have enough of a particular type of immune cell (natural killer cells) that you will avoid systemic infection.
Simple but expedient measures to avoid contracting HSV: assume all sex partners have it; take precautions to prevent infection (meaning, no unprotected oral sex).
http://www.herpesonline.org/faq.html | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:28:12 PM | I was ready to start a new thread after another POF member informed me that he believes all people with HSV should only date one another! He cited "research" he had done on the Internet - as opposed to quoting statistics from peer reviewed medical journals. After 13 years of living with this thing I've done a LOT more research than this character - who BLOCKED me before I could reply to this last message.
Then we have the 21 year old girl in Sudbury who opined in another thread about STD's that anybody with a disease should be "euthinized" [sic].
Babylonia - you are now my favourite mod. Sorry Late™. 
Sombient - you totally rock - I've noticed you posted some educational info about this virus in some other threads as well.
And to the rest of you who have disclosed your virus in this thread and are worried you'll never get another date on POF - let's spend our lottery winnings to all meet up at some city that's midway between us all and have a big old orgy so we won't infect anybody ELSE.
Okay, my stomach ache has gone away now. Thanks to all of you for that. Laughter truly is the BEST medicine.
Back to the OP - how do you tell somebody? The same way you will make love with them - carefully. Of course this thread was started in October 2005 so by now I'm sure the matter has been resolved for THAT particular couple.
I was diagnosed on January 27, 1994. For several months I thought I was just getting recurrent yeast infections but I went to the doctor when I felt a blister. When he told me it was herpes I burst into tears and the s.o.b. LAUGHED! Certainly in the age of HIV/AIDS herpes is not really a big deal - but trying to tell a prospective partner that is NOT easy.
I gave the first guy I met after getting the diagnosis a book to read - WAY too much information! There are a few pamphlets available off the Internet but you have to be very careful about how reliable the information is. Anything funded by the drug company is NOT reliable - a British researcher in the early 90's was given a quarter of a million in hush money not to publish his discovery that the company which makes the antivirals FUNDED the propaganda campaign in the 1980's to make people think that catching herpes would totally ruin your life!
The drug company turned around and charged this man with blackmail - trying to get an update on whether he's even out of prison yet. The article appeared in Toronto's Now magazine in 1995 - I can scan and email a copy to anybody who's interested.
I would agree with those who have suggested that you don't really need to have "the talk" until you are sure the relationship is heading in a sexual direction. Funny how people who get cold sores on the face never feel the need to disclose that before kissing somebody!
And while it is true that the virus can possibly, hypothetically, potentially be transmitted when no symptoms are present, with type 2 (the most common form of genital herpes) the risks go down exponentially over time. I don't have the exact numbers at my fingertips as I lost my copy of Dr. Sacks' book. I just remember that the greatest risk of contagion without symptoms is within the first 6 months after the initial outbreak.
I can't remember what else I wanted to include in this post as I got interrupted by a phone call so I'll end this now and come back to the thread tomorrow if I can locate the stats I was looking for.
Darlene | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:56:11 PM | As a Registered Nurse, I would have to say that in my experience, herpes is one of those viruses that can be spread at anytime and can be highly asymptomatic at the same time. Herpes can be a high risk transmission and it really can be a "hit or miss" as to whether or not one will get infected. So....that said, I would inform anyone that you are becoming intimate with that you have the virus.......I think you would be a little let down, or upset if no one told you and was intimate with you.....so think about the other person! I am sure if your relationship is headed in a solid and serious direction this will be a minor flaw in the grand scheme of things!
Good Luck | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 8:02:54 AM | LOL Lisa. It's not curable.
I honestly can't tell you how you can tell someone that you have herpes but you definatly have to tell her BEFORE you are sexual with her.
RE: message 2
HB | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 9:58:19 AM | I got this just now off the internet, email me for the link if you'd like (I don't think we're supposed to put them in our messages right?)
[Neonatal herpes is not a reportable disease in most states, so there are no hard statistics on the number of cases nationwide. However, most researchers estimate between 1,000 and 3,000 cases a year in the United States, out of a total of 4 million births. To put this in greater perspective, an estimated 20-25% of pregnant women have genital herpes, while less than 0.1% of babies contract an infection. "Neonatal herpes is a remarkably rare event", says Zane Brown, MD, an expert on neonatal herpes and a member of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Washington. "Compared to all the other possible risks in a pregnancy, the risk of neonatal herpes is extremely small."
"I think it's perceived to be more of a problem than it is", says Scott Roberts, MD a researcher in the Department of Maternal Fetal Medicine at the University of Kansas. "The rate of neonatal herpes is very low, even though the prevalence of genital herpes in our country is quite common."
Transmission rates are lowest for women who acquire herpes before pregnancy -- one study (Randolph, JAMA, 1993) placing the risk at about 0.04% for such women who have no signs or symptoms of an outbreak at delivery. The chances of transmission are highest when a woman acquires genital herpes late in pregnancy.
In about 90% of cases, neonatal herpes is transmitted when an infant comes into contact with HSV- 1 or 2 in the birth canal during delivery. There is a high risk of transmission if the mother has an active outbreak, because the likelihood of viral shedding during an outbreak is high. There is also a small risk of transmission from asymptomatic shedding (when the virus reactivates without causing any symptoms).
Fortunately, babies of mothers with long-standing herpes infections have a natural protection against the virus. Herpes antibodies in the mother's blood cross the placenta to the fetus. These antibodies help protect the baby from acquiring infection during birth, even if there is some virus in the birth canal. That's the major reason that mothers with recurrent genital herpes rarely transmit herpes to their babies during delivery. Even women who acquire genital herpes during the first two trimesters of pregnancy are usually able to supply sufficient antibody to help protect the fetus.
Babies born prematurely may be at a slightly increased risk, however, even if the mother has a long-standing infection. This is because the transfer of maternal antibodies to the fetus begins at about 28 weeks of pregnancy and continues until birth. "Babies delivered at term should be protected by antibodies -- but premature babies haven't gotten a full load, "explains Brown.
Mothers who acquire genital herpes during the last trimester of pregnancy may also lack the time to make enough antibodies to send across the placenta. In addition, newly infected people - whether pregnant or not - have a higher rate of asymptomatic shedding for roughly a year following a primary episode. This higher rate of asymptomatic shedding, plus the lack of antibodies, create the greater risk for babies whose mothers are infected in the last trimester.
Mothers who acquire genital herpes in the last few weeks of pregnancy are at the highest risk of transmitting the virus to their infants. If the mother's infection is a true primary (she has no previous antibodies to either HSV-1 or HSV-2), and she seroconverts (becomes HSV positive) at the end of pregnancy, the risk of transmission can be as high as 50%, according to research by Brown and others. The risk is also high if she has prior infection with HSV-1 but not HSV-2. While acquisition of herpes in the last few weeks of pregnancy is rare, it may account for almost half of all cases of neonatal herpes. If a woman has primary herpes at any point in the pregnancy, there is also the possibility of the virus crossing the placenta and infecting the baby in the uterus. About 5% of cases of neonatal herpes are contracted this way.
Finally, about 5%-8% of babies who contract neonatal herpes are infected after birth, often when they are kissed - by an adult who has an active infection of oral herpes (cold sores).]
Hope that helps a little about the pregnancy thing and herpes.
CA
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:28:23 PM | You're right planetsatan that is scary - and it's that kind of statement that makes me question the claims about "70% of people were infected by a partner who didn't know they had it". Yeah and he wasn't going to cvm in my mouth either.
Here's something that's even scarier. The blood test for HSV is not part of a routine screening for STD's! I guess the powers that be figure it isn't worth testing for something they can't cure? Who knows.
So the next time you are getting a checkup and getting bloodwork just to be sure you haven't caught anything - make sure you ASK for the HSV test - herpes symptoms can mimic a yeast infection, dermatitis, all kinds of things, so it's not at all uncommon to have it and be unaware.
Ignorance may be bliss but it's also DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE. 
Dar | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:37:13 PM | I didn't know there was an HSV blood test at all...Far as I know, they can only try to culture the virus from an already present sore to check if herpes is indeed the cause.
And since people can go months or even years without outbreaks basically all you can depend on is 'honesty'.
*shudder*. That was a shock to read, I honestly didn't believe that anyone would knowingly with hold such information. | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:43:13 PM | For those who know, I'm lazy to research..
What is the risk of transmission? And how is it transmitted, skin contact, mucous membranes, blood?
Does using condoms make a difference?
Can cold sores cause genital herpes? | |
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| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 2:45:53 PM | PlanetSatan - you've got some really funky restrictions on your email - only men between 95 & 96 living in Estonia can send you messages!
I've added you to my faves so you can message me directly and I'll do my best to answer all your questions.
Dar | |
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