|
|
|
|
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:50:35 PM | OP -
When you are looking for information, either to educate yourself about the virus in general or to help you disclose to your partner, it is very important to consider the source. Anybody can post information on the Internet - websites which end in .gov, .edu or .org will be more reliable than .com sites.
Let me try and address an issue that has been raised in this thread.
after the first six months asymptomatic shedding occurs only about 1% to 2% of the time - in other words, three to seven days out of the year
This is from Managing Herpes - How to Live and love with a chronic STD by Charles Ebel, Director of the Herpes Resource Center of the American Social Health Association.
Another excellent resource is The Truth about Herpes by Dr. Stephen Sacks. Dr. Sacks was a Professor of Medicine at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver and founder of the clinical research organization Viridae, which specialized in viral infections.
These books both contain a lot of very helpful information including how to discuss the issue with your partner and prevent transmission of the virus.
I hope this is helpful.
Darlene | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 8:16:51 PM | I'm glad I don't have herpes, but these days it takes up to date info, to avoid contracting this disease -- there's just so much misinformation out there.
> Managing Herpes - How to Live and love with a chronic STD by Charles Ebel
This one's pretty dated (revised edn. 1998), and, an Amazon.com reviewer reflects most of my own sentiments on the topic:
"January 11, 2004
Reviewer: A reader
This book is awful. The name should be called should be called "Sugar Coating the Bitter Pill of Herpes" or "Herpes; Your Sex Life Does Not Have to Change at All" If you have herpes one should not have unprotected sex outside of marriage. This book does not endorse this practice. I realy don't understand how the so called M.D.'s that wrote this book can live with the fact that every other page of this book does not say "If you have herpes do not have unprotected sex!!!!". The woman who gave me herpes said there were risks but I did not have to wear a condom. This book is filled with similar propoganda. Her excusses must have come straight out of this book. "..it can be recesive for along time, you may have already had it..", "..at least I told you, and I was not maliscious..". If you care about not spreading herpes, this is book is not to be read."
As to "The Truth about Herpes by Dr. Stephen Sacks" an even older book (1997), again, an amazon.com reviewer reflects sentiments similar to my own on this topic:
" Once comprehensive but now outdated, August 9, 2006
Reviewer: Reader - See all my reviews
The most recent edition of this book is now nearly 10 years old. In the medical field, that is a huge amount of time. I bought this book based on the positive reviews posted on Amazon, but ended up more confused after reading it. This book focuses primarily on the medical facts about herpes (if you want a book to help you deal with the emotional issues, this is NOT the book for you), but much of what is discussed is outdated. For instance, the book discusses that not much is known about asymptomatic shedding, but that there probably isn't much risk of infecting a partner unless visible sores are present -- science now knows that this isn't the case (in fact about 70% of people got herpes when their partners had no visible symptoms). The anti-virals such as Valtrex were just coming on the market around the time this book was published and effectiveness of these drugs wasn't well known at that point. A few days of research online will educate you far better than this book will about treatment and reducing the risk of transmission.
I did like some of the medical details regarding rarer symptoms -- this book does go much deeper than any information you will find on herpes resources online. This book also discussed herpes behavior on other part of the body -- something that isn't well discussed in other sources I have consulted.
If this book is ever updated, I think it will oncew again be a very valuable read. Until it's updated, however, the outdated information outweighs the detail it contains. "
For reputable information, something more recent and authoritative, has, imo, a better chance of being useful towards helping the afflicted figure out how to tell someone they have herpes. Someone new to the scene who wants to avoid getting infected, surely Does Not want to hear the 'rose tinted glasses' version, or material that's outdated and become dangerously misinformed. | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/7/2007 9:15:58 PM | OP,
It is truly unfortunate that some people prefer to promote stigma and ignorance. I do not have rose coloured glasses; in the 13 years since I was diagnosed I have NEVER spread this virus to a partner. This was confirmed by blood tests. I was living with a man when I was diagnosed and we continued to have unprotected sex for another 8 years because I was CAREFUL and did not engage in any sexual activity with him when the virus was active.
Contrary to whatever opinions might be posted by people who are not actually living with this condition, these two books I mentioned are recommended by every support site I have ever found on the Internet over the last 13 years. Yes some of the language is very clinical, which is why I was wrong to just shove the book at the first man I met after my diagnosis!
The original antiviral Zovirax (acyclovir) had its patent expire in 1997 which means it had been on the market for a SIGNIFANT period of time. The effectiveness of acyclovir was VERY well known. Valtrex and now Famvir are variations on the theme but not the first drug(s) on the market to suppress the herpes virus.
The research/statistics perpetuating the myth that 70% of people who spread the virus did not have any symptoms/did not know they had the virus is being financed by the drug company which makes the antivirals!
It cannot be stated often enough - 80% of the population of North America has one or both forms of Herpes Simplex. The only way to be SURE that you do not have it is to have a blood test done, and the tests are only done by request, NOT as part of routine STD screening.
There are at present 15 million people in North America and Europe who know they have herpes simplex. If that's only 30% of the people who REALLY carry the infection, then there are an additional 50 million people wandering around in ignorance. No reasonable person could find that assumption plausible.
I realize that there has been a LOT of contradictory information posted here. There are a lot of good support groups, both online and probably in your community. Use all of these resources to help you figure out how, when and what to tell your partner.
It is worth noting that not all sites on the Internet are created equal. Anybody can create a .com site - I was taught in college last year that the most reliable information can be found on sites ending in .gov, .edu, and .org.
I really hope this has helped you somewhat.
Darlene | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:14:52 AM | PS & Dar,
I'm in a rush at work today, so I'm looking up acutal numbers, but I've been pumped full of H info since college...
Risk of transmission is low (not sure percentage) if the infected partner does not have any lesions/active outbreak. Note LOW, not anything else. Infected partners can have asymptomatic shedding, which occurs approx. 1% of days of the year. MEaning, if there are no symptoms, or sores, there is a very risk of passing the infection on to your partner. Now, risk of transmission is almost guaranteed if the infected partner has sores, burning, itching, tingling etc., in the area of the outbreak. Herpes does not live for long if not on a mucous membrane, but it is possible. Example, which ties in with another question you have about cold sores....infected partner has an outbreak and touches a sore (for whatever reason)....he/she touches you on the arm. Nothing happens. You touch your arm and then your mouth, nose, eyes,genitalia and you will most likely contract Herpes. Cold sores are herpes. Genital herpes can be from sores on someones mouth. Oral herpes can be contracted from giving oral to someone who has it. I don't remember the types, but with "cross-contraction" such as I just explained, it's not easy to keep the strains straight to me.
Condoms make a difference for some, but cannot protect you 100% from it. It basically boils down to where the outbreaks occur. I had a friend once who had it, and she had wicked bad OB's....I mean, she couldn't walk or sit for days - her sores were everwhere, anus, outer lips, above her clit....EVERYWHERE. Now, if she were to engage in any sort of sex, her parter would almost 100% contracted it, condom or not, because the condom would only protect what it covered. But for a person who has one little sore in a spot that would be where a condom would cover/protect partner from touching, it would be safer for both - but not 100% safe. Know what I mean?
Cold sores can cause an outbreak on the genitals as often as genital outbreaks can cause someone to get it on their mouth (cold sores). As well, shingles, chicken pox and a variety of other diseases are related to the herpes virus. The blood test I've heard about tests the titre (number of antibodies a person has). This test will show (with proper interpretation - which I'm not sure...) ... I think the number of antibodies a person has, which will tell you (higher the number of antibodies i think) that he/she has been exposed to the virus. I'm not sure it can tell you which strain of the virus, or if that person has it for definate. That's the last I heard. But generally the way they do test for it is when you have an active outbreak they take a look at the sore itself, and take a scraping of it to have it tested. As well, though it can "appear" as a rash, or skin condition, there are other side effects that go along with the initial outbreak that are not possible to miss if you have a "good" enough OB.....I remeber when my friend had her OB's...and it affected her like this each time, not just the initial one - she was soooo tired and achy, like she was coming down with the flu or something really bad. She was moody like she had massive PMS, and she itched like she had fleas down there. But when she itched herself you could hear her wince in pain because it would make the skin burn. She said a few times she had pain when going pee even. She was a mess. I remember her hiding in the basement in the dark for days, until she healed enough to walk and sit properly. It was so sad to watch. I realize that many people don't get it that bad, but she did, and let me tell you, it was awful to see her like that.
I believe a lot can be said for cleanliness too though...and I can't say if she washed her hands all the time or what have you....but she was covered. No, she never showed me, but she explained where they were to me. She'd end up with coldsores too at the same time....so I am leaning toward the fact that she wasn't washing her hands as often as she should have been. But also, said friend was recently diagnosed with cancer (ovarian). I also wonder if she didn't have it, undiagnosed of course, back then, and that had some play on how bad she had her outbreaks.
Sorry to rant on and on about it. It's just very sad to know that there are people (not you guys) who wouldn't consider telling their partner about it "if he didn't like her". Don't sleep with her if you don't like her. Duh! I did projects on H at college, and learned a lot, and with this friend I learned even more. Most of all I learned that it doesn't change who they are...it just makes you run or stay and support the friends who have it. Simple as that.
Hope that helped answer a few of your questions. And if you have any more, I have the books at home about it, I can look up the answers for you. :)
CA | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:19:37 AM | Wow that was a lot of info, and that is the book i have from college, the Herpes: How to live and love with it book.....very informative. I shared a lot of that info with many friends who were also ignorant on the subject. :)
I hope that I didn't give any wrong info, and am certain I didn't, except the blood test thing I'm not 100% sure of how it is read.
I believe my friend tried Veltrex? something like that - and she said it was too expensive and didn't make much of a difference for her. But maybe it's not the same for everyone. I don't know.
CA | |
|
e-wok
|
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 81 | |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:05:23 AM | I don't think your average person is gonna study up on Herpes just to
have a date. The STD's out there...your average ones, not AIDS, will
prove to be fatal to many people; women and baby's are are especially
prone to death. As far as Herpes, I understand it's only fatal to baby's
if you accidentally pass it on them, so if you're dating a mother of
a child, you best warn her of your harmful affects.
I believe a lot can be said for cleanliness too though
That's the key...you have to have a cleaning regime of a surgeon. Once
your done with sex, remove the blankets off the bed and wash, and clean
any surface area you may have come into contact with and I'm assuming
detergent or anti-bacterial agents but you're left with........DOUBT if you
did a good enough job.
Not worth it, IMO. I'd always date somebody who's clean of it. | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:44:19 AM |
That's the key...you have to have a cleaning regime of a surgeon. Once
your done with sex, remove the blankets off the bed and wash, and clean
any surface area you may have come into contact with and I'm assuming
detergent or anti-bacterial agents but you're left with........DOUBT if you
did a good enough job.
cleaning your blankets and cleaning surface areas will not change the fact of whether or not you have contracted the disease or not.
As far as Herpes, I understand it's only fatal to baby's
if you accidentally pass it on them
not true, there would have to be numerous other congenital health problems that the neonate had prior to death, not just herpes. This is something I know from being an RN and having experience with neonates.
hope this helped
 | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 10:09:41 AM | e-wok,
Genital herpes CANNOT be caught from the bedding! And it is not FATAL to anybody. And since 80% of people in North America have Herpes Simplex type 1 or 2 or BOTH - unless you've had a blood test you could be one of the majority.
The World Health Organization recently published findings that there has been an increase in genital herpes caused by type 1 - which prefers the face - from oral sex - thanks to President Bill for teaching an entire generation that fellatio is not a $ex act!
The virus is easily killed by ordinary soap & water.
As to how easy it is to spread it by touching an active lesion and then touching yourself somewhere - skin, healthy, unbroken skin, is a very effective barrier to the virus. That's why it is so hard for a woman to give the virus to a man - even during an active outbreak - because male genitalia are protected by skin whereas women have mucous membranes.
Epstein Barr - which causes mono - is also a herpes virus. Chickenpox and shingles are caused by herpes zoster - there are a total of, I think, 8 herpes viruses but it's the two simplex strains that cause cold sores - whether on the face or the genitals.
I believe it requires a culture from an active lesion to determine if an infection is type 1 or type 2 but a blood test can determine if a person has herpes simplex. I have learned that in the US the HMO's don't cover testing for ANY condition where symptoms are not present but in Ontario it's easy to get tested - you do, however, have to ask specifically to be tested as they normally do NOT include this test in STD screening.
The post might have disappeared but I have written somewhere that the FEMALE condom offers better protection because it covers more area. They're very expensive though and they don't appear to be very "user friendly" - if anybody out there has experience with them perhaps you could contribute to this discussion.
CatholicAngel - I'm sorry your friend is having such a hard time. Yes Valtrex is very expensive and you have to start taking it at the first sign of an outbreak. If you pay attention to the "small print" of the advertising, even taking it every day to prevent outbreaks cannot guarantee 100% that there is no risk of transmission. The risk is infinitesimal but those folks don't want any lawsuits.
It might help her to take l-lysine, an amino acid which helps prevent the virus from "reproducing" and try and avoid foods which contain l-arginine which "feeds" it. Chocolate is one of those foods - it can trigger migraines too - comfort food my a$$ 
In the 13 years since my diagnosis I've only had a few of those gawdawful outbreaks with flu-like symptoms, aching all over, hurts to sit down - or even wear underpants! Two of those outbreaks were after my first time with a new partner - apparently that's not uncommon - the virus is triggered by STRESS - and it's important to use adequate lubrication.
I don't know how long it's been since her initial outbreak; I used to have outbreaks every time I got my period. If she's on the birth control pill she might want to talk to her doctor about doing something ELSE because that could be contributing to the problem. Outbreaks do become less frequent and less severe over time. Oatmeal baths help a lot.
It is actually cold sores on the FACE that has rare but potentially life threatening complications. When the virus in not active it lives in nerve bundles called ganglia - normally when it becomes active it travels out to the skin and erupts into cold sores. RARELY the virus can travel UP into the brain and cause encephalitis. About 2,000 cases occur each year in the U.S.
To keep this thread on topic, I think it's clear from recent posts that everybody has an opinion and because of the stigma associated with getting cold sores south of the equator far too many people would rather treat us like lepers. Latest figures - 22% of the population of North America has genital herpes - that's a pretty big leper colony!
This is what makes it so hard to disclose to a partner - the drug company has been spending a lot of money for more than 20 years to try and get people taking their pills by exaggerating how horrible herpes is. Yes SOME people do have difficult painful outbreaks BUT there are many millions of us leading perfectly normal lives, being responsible about having open and honest discussions with our partners, and NOT infecting anybody else! | |
|
e-wok
|
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 84 | |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 10:15:44 AM | It is truly unfortunate that some people prefer to promote stigma and ignorance.
It could also be argued that you are being reckless in the way you make it
sound as if the average person has the capacity to control the spread.
You said it yourself, 80% of the population is spreading this thing and it's
getting out of hand, yet you opinioned that there are simple steps you
can take to bring this thing to a HALT. You then wonder why people think
you wear rose coloured glasses. So, why is it being spread? If you can
come up with a simple answer and solution you're op's will hold water.
BTW: that 80%..if it were accurate, is including the simplex form we
all seem to have but we arent' talking about that are we...we are talking
about the heavy duty version which is not at 80% and even if it were I'd
avoid it like the plague.
Also, most of us didn't contract herpes or other STD's NOT by luck...we don't
play russian roulette. It's risk management and control. People ought to look
into that. Some people think a condom is gonna protect them......LOL OMG....it
can only HELP but is still VERY VERY risky. | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 10:31:49 AM | Dar, I've got a question for you but won't post it here, could you message me please when you get a chance...
And thank you for the advice, I'll send that off to her...she's had it for about 9 years I believe. That was about the time we met too, so she may have had it for 8 or 10 years..but I'm gonna say long enough that they shouldn't be that bad. However, being immune-suppressed with cancer treatments & full of stress, I feel for her.
E-wok - every person who has H has the chance of having the "heavy duty" version you are referring to. Give your head a shake would you? That's not meant to offend, but come on, people wonder WHY it spreads so much, and here you are talking about a plague and washing sheets after sex so you don't get it....give me a break.....YOU are one of the "reasons" people won't disclose the info to others..because people don't bother reading up on it, or paying attention in sex ed classes, or asking their doctor. And they surely don't bother getting to know the infected person for who they are..to them they're just a blister waiting to infect. Maybe YOU should just stop having sex, because that is the only way you will ever not come into contact with it. (by YOU I don't mean you you , I mean anyone who is so scared of it that they run with their tails between their legs)....
This is not meant to bash you E-wok....just venting....you can yell at me if you want. I can take it.
CA
EDIT: AND date someone who's clean of it? You do realize that many don't know they have it...what would you do if she did have it but truly didn't know...and you got it? OMG what devastating actions/words would you bestow upon her? And how on earth would you ever have sex again? You can never be 100% sure she doesn't have it - even if she is a virgin, since she could have been kissed as a child, and gotten a cold sore....that is still herpes....and it's easily transferred to the genitals. But I do wish you luck. I really do...because I've seen how people get treated when they have it, and how much emotionall trauma telling people has caused them. Not to mention physical pain. Please accept my genuine wishing of luck. I hope you never have to worry about getting it. | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/8/2007 11:06:10 AM | e-wok,
You are taking what I said out of context - 80% of North Americans have some form of herpes simplex - only 22% have genital herpes. MOST people with type 1 are infected before the age of 12 - being kissed by an infected relative or family friend!
You've read that some people think it's perfectly alright not to disclose to a partner - THAT is why the virus is still spreading! That and the fact there is such a huge stigma attached to getting cold sores in the genitals instead of on the face so people don't want to talk about it.
There was a kid at my son's school who had herpes on his face so bad he couldn't EAT for several days. When you have an outbreak of genital herpes you can't have sex. Big whoop! Yeah it's itchy and sore - but so is a yeast infection and nobody wants to put people who get yeast infections into a leper colony - you can spread them too! Contrary to what a lot of people think men DO get yeast infections - you just call it jock itch.
Again, read what I wrote. I ALWAYS disclose, and in 13 years I have NEVER spread the virus; this has been confirmed by blood tests. | |
|
e-wok
|
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 87 | |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:34:27 AM | The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) says with or without symptoms, the
disease WILL SPREAD. It's this "I didn't have symptoms so I didn't think it
would spread to my partner" bullshit that is causing the spread.
CDC says.........don't have sex with these people....THAT'S YOUR CURE.
Hey, I'm only the messenger.
Health Tip: Genital Herpes Can Be Spread Without Symptoms
(HealthDay News) -- Genital herpes is caused by a sexually transmitted virus, often leading to blisters on or near the genitals or rectum. These blisters eventually open into painful sores that take several weeks to heal. Over time, outbreaks tend to become less severe and last for shorter periods.
Although many people with genital herpes may not even know they are infected, the virus can lead to serious infections in babies born to mothers with the condition, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
There is no cure for genital herpes, and an infected person with no symptoms can continue to infect sexual partners.
Certain medications, however, can help control herpes outbreaks.
Although use of a condom may reduce the risk of contracting or spreading genital herpes, the disease can still be spread if sores are located in an area that is not protected by the condom. The CDC says the best way to prevent herpes is to refrain from sexual activity with any potentially infected partner.
TRANSMISSION
If you have genital herpes infection, you can easily pass or transmit the virus to an uninfected partner during sex.
Most people get genital herpes by having sex with someone who is shedding the herpes virus either during an outbreak or during a period with no symptoms. People who do not know they have herpes play an important role in transmission
| |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:55:39 AM | the disease can still be spread if sores are located in an area that is not protected by the condom
Which is why I have consistenly advocated for the use of the FEMALE condom which covers more area.
The CDC has a mandate to err on the side of caution, just as the drug company has an agenda to sell more pills by exaggerating how horrific this virus is.
There are many millions of people with this virus who have never infected a partner. I don't know which part of "my former partners have had blood tests done to confirm they did not catch herpes from me" you are having trouble understanding.
The topic of this thread is "how to tell someone you have herpes". Please stop trying to hijack the thread with your personal belief that we should all be ostracized for something that is entirely outside of our control (i.e. having caught the virus in the first place).
Darlene
P.S. When did you have a blood test to make sure you're not one of the 80% who have some form of Herpes Simplex, btw? | |
|
e-wok
|
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 89 | |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:06:02 AM |
The topic of this thread is "how to tell someone you have herpes". Please stop trying to hijack the thread with your personal belief that we should all be ostracized for something that is entirely outside of our control (i.e. having caught the virus in the first place).
You're spending an enormous amount of time trying to argue how you've never
spread the disease, and if someone like me produces a blurb from the
CDC you freak out. Who's hijacking this thread??
To answer the OP's question.....if you tell her, be prepared for rejection
if she's read the CDC report. I've read it, and if my partner told me she
has it......it's "see ya!" | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:21:24 AM | I'm not freaking out as you put it, I am merely trying to give you some perspective on the CDC report. I have never denied that it is POSSIBLE to spread the disease when no symptoms are present - see msg 76 for the details of how unlikely that actually is.
By your own posts, if people are spreading the virus because they don't know they have it, when it's very well established that 80% of North Americans have some form of Herpes Simplex and 22% have genital herpes, what makes you so [expletive deleted] sure that you don't have it yourself? Some people have it for years without ever experiencing an outbreak.
By your own quote from the CDC, condoms alone don't always prevent transmission, although a man is 4 times more likely to give the virus to a woman than to catch it from her. And if you actually READ all my posts, you would note that the W.H.O. has reported an increase in type 1 herpes outbreaks in the genitals. Are you THAT sure that every woman who's ever given you a b.j. doesn't get cold sores? Nobody feels the need to disclose getting cold sores on the face which is part of the whole problem, as I have said again and again.
Given the kind of stigma which you are so brilliantly demonstrating, I just don't get how you can be so sure that none of the women you've ever had sex with did not have the virus. 22% of the people in North America have GENITAL herpes. You're over 40 so you've probably had more than 5 partners in your life - the mathematical probability is that AT LEAST one of them has HSV, whether they know it or not.
It's very difficult to disclose to a partner because it's a lot easier to say nothing, practice safe sex, and hope for the best. Very irresponsible, but a LOT easier. Now would you PLEASE just let it go! | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:51:40 AM | **The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) says with or without symptoms, the
disease WILL SPREAD. It's this "I didn't have symptoms so I didn't think it
would spread to my partner" bullshit that is causing the spread.**
Just to point out to you e-wok, that you say it WILL spread, which is NOT what the CDC says - it says it CAN spread. Big difference!!! YOu CAN slip on the ice and break your wrist, that does not mean you WILL slip on the ice and break your wrist - with the proper information (seeing the ice, using caution and protection such as salt & boots with a good tread on them) you can change the WILL to CAN. Same with herpes. But good for you in not wanting to sleep with someone who has it. I hope you can stick to that, and that someone who has it doesn't steal your heart and not give you a choice in the matter. Try to think of it that way for once.....
IF someone was dishonest or did not truly know they had it and you got it, how would you deal with it? Keep it quiet, become an H advocate, find a support group, or be so angry with her that you go out and pass it on to a bunch of unsuspecting women because that's what happened to you? Just keep your mouth shut for a minute and really read what I'm saying....it's hard to say what you would do in that situation, but from what you're writing, and how fast you'd run from someone with it....that leads me to suspect that you give off a vibe to people to make them NOT want to disclose it.
You have to watch out for how you come off to a potential partner, because if they can sense that you would run away and they get scared, they just won't say anything to you and BANG, your turn to make some troll try to understand the stigma and how hurtful it is...and then you see the numbers and statistics differently.
All I'm asking you to do is think about what you'd do, and how you'd feel, and try to understand that you can't always be in control of your sexual health. You can do your best, but if you truly don't want to risk getting Herpes, don't ever have sex again. That is the only sure-fire way you will avoid, without a doubt, getting it, or anything else besides hairy palms. Sorry but it's true. Every time you have sex you put yourself at risk. You can only do so much to prepare yourself, but with the attitude you're displaying in here, you are relying on people to be honest with you. To have honesty given to you fully, you have to show some compassion & caring....and prove you have an open mind. She may just be playing you for some sex...a 1 night stand even...you can't know everything about someone else, how they feel, and what they have/don't have in any situation. Just deal with it and make educated decisions. And if she is honest and says she has it, don't be an A** about it.....be polite, and graceful. Like she isn't already angry or sad or hurt by having it....she doesn't need you to call her a whore or a b*tch for having something she most likely contracted from someone who also didn't know. People don't go out and think "hmm, herpes sound like fun...lets try that today!".
Come back when you have a blood test to say you've never been exposed to it to date. Good luck and try a body comdom, I've heard they reduce the risk. Cuz heaven forbid you get a cold sore!!!!! Ohhh, end of the world!
CA
 | |
|
e-wok
|
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 92 | |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:04:49 PM | ^^^ I appreciate what you're saying and I hear you; I'm only pissed off for
a friend of mine who I've known for a very long time. She contracted another
form of STD from a dude who later came to explain that since he had no symptoms,
he wasn't obligated to inform her that he was a carrier. Years later,
she lost her liver and had to have her husband donate part of his to keep
her alive. You might have read the story in the Vancouver newspaper
about 6 years ago. So, with dudes like that running around loose in the city
thinking: No symptoms....no chance of passing it on - I ONLY WANT TO
SAY THIS IS EVIDENTLY WRONG. NO SYMPTOMS DOES NOT MEAN
YOU CAN NOT PASS IT ON. But at any rate, as a carrier, you'll have
to fess up sooner or later and 1 day late and if she's exposed there's no
friggin chance she'll ever trust you again to carry on a relationship
anyway...so is this just a fling? You have to be totally up front.
Come back when you have a blood test to say you've never been exposed to it to date.
I'm clean. Maybe it's a little bit a luck but it's largely risk management.
IE: I wouldn't sleep with that hot girl at the bar eyeing me like candy.
She's been around. | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/10/2007 7:19:40 AM |
I'm clean. Maybe it's a little bit a luck but it's largely risk management.
Let me say this again. Testing for Herpes Simplex is NOT done as part of the "usual" testing for STD's. It must be requested specifically.
I hope your friend was able to successfully sue the ba$tard for her medical costs. People with HIV who don't disclose are now facing criminal charges since that can be a death sentence; I was unaware of other STD's that could produce the kind of serious complications you describe. A good friend of mine has been unable to have children because somebody gave her an STD and after years of having it, untreated, her tubes became completely blocked.
Those of us who are responsible about disclosure would have a much easier time if there weren't so many people who think like another poster in this thread - that we should be treated like lepers and limited to dating each other! This virus does not define who I am; I'm a musician, an activist, an animal lover - THOSE are the things I look for in a partner, not a virus!
Dar | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/10/2007 9:20:52 AM | I'm so sorry to hear about your good friend...and things like that are very sad. But herpes will not make you lose your liver. Herpes is not curable, I know that, but it doesn't have the additional risks associated with it as hepatits, AIDS, HIV etc. have....it is not pleasant I'm certain, but it is also not life threatening. In your friends case it sounds like it very much is life threatening, but it is also not herpes.
HUG to you and your friend. But please do not class herpes with what she was infected with. I'm assuming here that it was a form of hepatitis to affect her liver that way.
I agree that the "no symptoms" attitude does have to be recognized, but at the same time, you have to realize that H is not the same as other STD's. It is life-long, and you can spread it, but it won't (as far as i know) cause infertility, your organs to shut down, or any of the other complications that many other STD's can have. IT is that way of thinking that will help the world understand how to handle the situation. It is people who are not open to researching it, and who have this big problem with anyone who has it....my friend said that having herpes was a physical challenge when she had outbreaks, but it was more of an emotional STD for her. The stigma attached to having it. ... she felt worthless & "tainted" for lack of a better word. In reality, though others thought of her as being a sl*t, she was in a very long term relationship with a man she loved when she got it. He'd been unfaithful and passed it to her. She was unaware of his cheating, and they were going to get married and have a family....big surprise for her. It's not always the "free" chicks/guys who have it...sometimes they're just the unlucky people who get to suffer the consequences - and they are generally the ones who are honest with people about it. So please, I'm begging you, PLEASE, if someone tells you they have it, do not look down on them, do not call them names, and do not make them feel like they are less of a human than you for having it - try to be understanding and have a heart. It's easier for someone to hear that you just aren't comfortable with that, but that being friends is ok with you (if it is)....either way, don't just say EWWWWWWWWWw and run from her. lol Think of her feelings too.
As for the [ I wouldn't sleep with that hot girl at the bar eyeing me like candy.
She's been around.] comment - HOW do you know she's been around? Unless you KNOW for a fact she has, don't make assumptions like that about anyone. Don't just assume she's got herpes or something else! Maybe she's just lost a bunch of weight, or feels really good, or is celebrating graduating from university and is really happy and feels confident enough about herself to eye you like that!! Give her a chance...don't just jump in the sack with her, but give her a chance! Jeepers! She could be a virgin for all you know!!!
Grrrr! Just when I think we've gotten through to you you say something dumb like that. And people wonder why so many are single.
CA | |
|
kk42
|
Joined: 1/18/2006
Msg: 95 | |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:06:15 PM | | I think you need to be honest and never hide it. I have heard of couples living with it with only one with the virus, but not sure how they manage. I don't think anything that can be spread to another should be kept a secret especially if you care about them and even if you didn't I would hope you would be honest as well. | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/11/2007 11:17:20 PM | | Does anyone know the current statistics on type 2? Also, what about the current commercial about the current medication to prevent transmission? | |
|
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/12/2007 7:51:38 AM | The stats don't account for a lot of stuff. The spreading isn't amongst married people or those not having sex etc. Throw in length of time on this earth and you soon realize that numbers like 25% of the people becomes 60% of the single 50 year olds. I don't know the real number but as someone who has dealt with this issue for around 25 years I can tell you that it is a lot more common than you think.
A person educated in Herpes knows what they have. Unfortunately lots of people may not take the time to educate themselves. The symptoms do go away for many people and those people may brush it off. Often in the future they may meet someone that has a larger reaction to the virus and the old “but, I didn't know or have symptoms” story comes out. Some times they go through life with someone who also has only minor flair ups or sprinkle some gold bond on and call it jock itch and neither person is the wiser.
If a person is upfront near the beginning then telling the other person is a non issue. I never really understood people who try and hook line and sinker someone then spring the news on them. In the first stages of a relationship a few strategic questions can be asked to gage how they would handle it. Some times you have to walk away as you know deep down inside it is a disaster waiting to happen. You are probably best to stay away from the ones that think STD's are related to how clean you are. | |
|
| |
| How to tell someone you have herpes?
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:48:26 AM | Gretin -
If you "read the small print" as it were, you'll notice that the commercials say that a daily regimen of anti-virals to prevent outbreaks cannot GUARANTEE that the virus will not be spread. Furthermore, a British researcher discovered in the early 90's that the drug company which makes the antivirals was responsible for the campaign of misinformation in the 80's which left so many people thinking this virus is much worse than it is.
Having lived with this thing for 13 years and never given it to anybody, in my opinion the only good reason to take the antivirals is if you already have herpes and experience very painful outbreaks. Bear in mind that herpes on the face can be very painful too; there was a child in my son's school years ago who could not eat for days! I don't know about you but I think not being able to eat is a lot more serious than not being able to have intercourse!
I think herpes_2 is quite correct, that the percentage of those infected with type 2 is probably higher among us older folks. The World Health Organization recently reported that there has been an increase in the number of genital herpes outbreaks caused by Herpes Simplex type 1 because oral sex is considered by many young people these days to be something other than a sex act so they don't realize the potential to spread diseases.
As you've seen from the posts in this thread, there are still people who think it's okay to say nothing and hope for the best; that's how most of us caught it in the first place! The stigma attached to getting cold sores south of the equator instead of on the face makes it difficult for us to have "the talk". That is why I have tried so hard to refute the posts of those who would treat us like lepers.
Dar | |
|
| |
|
| Page 4 of 6
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
|
Home
login 