|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:21:32 PM | After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not
talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I
challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:22:08 PM | A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep,
and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring
the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:43:32 PM | THE PUNK AND THE AOLD MAN
An old man was sitting on a bench at the local mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/5/2006 4:44:43 PM | This one's for Canadian Clone the Albertan storm trooper. lol
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You have ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is painted with primer.
You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is "the dadgum skeeters."
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the Force to cheat at fishing or bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the Dark Side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R2D2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light the barbecue grill.
You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/5/2006 9:55:51 PM | I am truly honored...
I don't get most of it, but I am honored. I bow before your humbling presences and worship the pages you type on, oh mighty BraZen one!
Thanks. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/6/2006 12:58:54 PM | More Chuck yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
-------------------
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.
When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…
It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/6/2006 6:45:57 PM | definition of a brave man
a married man who comes home late drunk with lipstick all over his shirt coller and love bites all over his neck and looks at his wife and says
"your next fatty" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/6/2006 6:51:10 PM | | a married guy comes home drunk with a sheep under his arm and walks into the bedroom where his wife is reading in bed and says "this is the pig i fu*k when you have a headache" and his wife replies "thats not a pig,it's a sheep" to which the guy says "i was talking to the sheep" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/7/2006 1:25:04 PM | This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season
and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times
in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in
front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/7/2006 2:54:50 PM | 2 whales overturn a ship using there blowholes.
"can we eat the crew?" asks one
"no!" says the other "i do blow jobs but i dont swallow seamen"
*lame i know.. but i got a chuckle outta it  * | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/8/2006 7:37:27 AM | Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of
them was attacked by a Rottweiller.
Thinking quickly, the other boy
ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's
collar and twisted it,breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Heraldwitnessed the incident and
rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter
began entering data into
his laptop, beginning with the headline:
"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws
Of Vicious Animal"
"But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero
interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in
Boston , Mass, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:
"John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog
Attack"
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy
responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this
state was either for
the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or
person do you like? "
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George
W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:
"Arrogant Little Conservative **stard Kills
Beloved Family Pet" | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/8/2006 10:26:46 AM | I love this thread! You guys crack me up. That last one killed, daviemckie!
Keep up the good work, Ms. Brazen!  | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/8/2006 9:44:13 PM | Thanks Ms, I'm glad you like my twisted sense of humour. lol
------------
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young
thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After
six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out
for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out, he stopped into the
men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a
moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look, it's okay. She's not here!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/9/2006 2:09:06 PM | At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/9/2006 3:02:46 PM | Ok this isn't really a joke, nevertheless it's interesting.
------------
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/9/2006 10:10:53 PM | An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his
favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive
looking blonde.
So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.
After a long while... He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over,
lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So.... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back
on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting
even longer than the first... and this time completing the deed
with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So.... you
finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once
again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely
manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and
energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights
it again, and then asks tiredly, "So... you finish?"
"No. I'm Swedish." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/9/2006 10:11:27 PM | A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple
inside with the dome light on.
Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a
computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly
knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,
"Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think
she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/10/2006 9:53:19 AM | Ok this isn't a joke either but it was an interesting read...
------------------
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway -- hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak into the food, causing lead poisoning. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
In England local folks started running out of places to bury people so they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth...(and whoever said that History was boring?!) | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:08:58 AM | If girls with big boobies work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?
I-HOP. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/10/2006 7:29:55 PM | | how do you make a woman scream twice? put it in her b**t, and when your done wipe it on the drapes. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:43:14 PM | A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his ***hole was
feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers
and bend over so he could take a look.
"This is amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from
the fellow's anus.
Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor
pulled it out, too.
And then another! And another! And many many more.
Finally, the doctor had pulled the last $20 from the guys ass.
He looked at the large pile of $20 bills on his desk, and began
to count them. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his
thumb when he counts money)
Finally the doc exclaimed, "There was $1,980 stuck in your ass!"
And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!
---------------------
Ohhhh I so groaned at that one.  | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:46:21 PM | It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most
frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker
was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped
through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and
was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he
still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two
poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for
Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would
send me out on a night like this???" | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 6:51:08 AM | WOMEN ARE EVIL II
There was an opening for an assasin at the FBI. Three people applied for the job, two men and a woman. All three were called in to interview on the same day. First up was Ed. Ed walked into the room, and was asked do you have what it takes to do this job? Ed quickly replied, yes I do. The man then handed Ed a gun and was told that his wife was in the next room - kill her. Ed said there is no way that i could kill my wife. The man then replied, you're free to go. Next up was Bob. The man handed Bob a gun and said your wife is in the next room - kill her. Bob went into the next room and 5 minutes later he came out, crying and stateing, i tried, but i just can't kill my wife. The man said, you're free to go. Next up was Betty. The man handed betty a gun and said your husband is in the next room - kill him. Betty entered the room and soon there were six shots fired. Then there was screaming, yelling and furniture breaking. Betty then came out of the room and stated...
the gun was filled with blanks, I had to kill the **stard with the chair. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:22:34 AM | FROG LOAN
A frog walks into a bank and up to a teller who's name is Patty Whack. The frog says my name is Kermit Jagger, my father is Mick Jagger and he knows the manager of this bank. I would like to take out a $30,000 loan. Ms. Whack asks the frog if he has anything for collateral. The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small elephant made of marble. The teller says that she must speak with the manager before she can approve the loan. The teller walks in the back and explains the story to her manager. She then shows him the elephant for collateral and asks what is this? The manager then replies...................
It's a knick knack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:28:39 AM | the gun was filled with blanks, I had to kill the **stard with the chair.
I hope this means Betty got the job.  | |
|
|
| Page 11 of 76
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41 |
|
Home
login 
