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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:32:14 AM | | One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:40:20 AM | hahahahah! I love starting the day reading this thread!  | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:48:34 AM | LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 9:52:34 AM | MsAnnThrope
glad this thread has kept going and going | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 12:10:33 PM | MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my guess." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 3:30:40 PM | Hello Classy Canuck.
I enjoyed reading you Joke Thread. I do disagree with some of your definitions though.
FRIGID; I do not believe a woman to be frigid who does not want the man to enter her body as soon as he removes her panties. I believe in lots of fore play. I do not want to "Slam Bang, Thank You Mam" I want to explore your body. Find those spots on your nexk that kisses inflame. I want to undo your brassiere and twick your nipples.
I want to run my tongue over your breasts until your nipples end up being sucked long and hard. I want my tongue to find its way up the inside of your thigh until it reaches the lips of your **** and then on to find your clitoris.
All this time I would hope you are massaging my teticles. then slowly stroking my penis. I would love you to run your tongue over the head of my penis.
After all this them maybe i would pentrate your **** with my penis.
I hope I have explained my position to you. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 3:37:28 PM | Hey Jack, thanks for that pervy and disturbing post. You may have noticed the thread title here is "JOKES", not "Creepy guys spell out their sexual fantasies."
But thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 3:45:31 PM | | :thumbsup: MsAnnThrope my sentiments exactly. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 3:51:37 PM | | I don't EVEN want to know what "teticles" are. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/11/2006 3:59:52 PM | A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 6:59:36 AM |
the gun was filled with blanks, I had to kill the **stard with the chair.
OMG I laughed so hard my kids came into the room... "Mom what's so funny???" 
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Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the
ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because
I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her
Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-
Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew
because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more
high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,
but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a
soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:08:28 AM | I enjoyed reading you Joke Thread. I do disagree with some of your definitions though...
[insert pathetic attempt to be sexy]
This is a thread to post and enjoy jokes... not a place for you to emanate slime from your veins.
I hope I have been able to explain my position to you, now kindly get the f*ck out of my joke thread. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:29:02 AM | Good one, *classy_canuck*
I'm still a hole behind you!"
Don't believe I saw my fave quadreplegic jokes yet...
1. quad in a pool....Bob
2. quad hanging on a wall....Art
3. quad in a pile of leaves....Russell
4. quad in a hole....Phil
5. quad bull-fighter....Gord
Also...How are women like KFC?
When you are done with the legs and the breasts, there is a greasy box to slide the bone in. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:35:38 AM | | You missed one. Man with no arms and legs lying by the front door? --Matt. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 11:46:18 AM | Three drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."
He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
"I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"
He paused...
"I didn't even know she had a penis!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 11:59:06 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^ That one got me!   | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 2:05:21 PM | Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 5:03:40 PM | What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A****that sticks to the roof of your mouth! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/12/2006 6:28:11 PM | man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit
him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with
the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week.
Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife
bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she
had hit again.
"Your horse phoned" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 12:33:19 AM | To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of
his apartment building in order to get a little color for
himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the
nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep, and managed to get
sunburned on his "tool of the trade." Being very determined he
decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. He
decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in
gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, he treated
her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, his
sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme
discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and
poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned
member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into
the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of
milk. Baffled the blonde exclaimed,
"So, THAT'S how you load those things!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 12:35:37 AM | And for the record, I'd post a "women are like..." one too if they had it. lol
I'll keep my eyes open.
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Men are like ...Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.
Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.
Men are like ... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 1:12:17 AM | Quote :
Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
Hey, I am teachable and always looking to improve myself | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 2:21:10 AM | The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 2:25:37 AM | | A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger ****ing his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 5:27:43 AM | A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden
he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" | |
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