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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 7:40:21 AM | A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 11:15:28 AM | A teacher is giving a grammar lesson and asks if any of the children can use the word beautiful, twice in the same sentence.
Julie raised her hand and said, "my mother was making a beautiful dinner and she used beautiful vegetables".
Ronnie then raised his hand and said, "my mother was making a beautiful dress, and when she put it on she looked beautiful".
The teacher told them that they had both did well, then asked Johnny if he could do it.
Johnny stood up and said, "last night my sister told my father that she was pregnant and my father said 'beautiful, f'ing beautiful'." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 12:50:55 PM | Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, they only managed to scrape together a staggering 50 pence. Mick said, 'Hang on, I've got an idea' - went to the butcher's shop and came out with a large Cumberland Sausage.
Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all!'
Mick: 'Don't worry - just follow me...'
They went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's.
Paul: 'Now you've really lost it - do you know how much trouble we'll be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Mick: 'Don't worry, I've got a plan - cheers!'
They had their drinks and Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip - you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
Said and done, the landlord noticed it, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free. At the tenth pub Paul said, 'Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I'm p*ssed and my knees are killing me.'
Mick replied, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub...' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 7:29:52 PM | This cazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.
The doctor walks in and tells him - "I can clearly see your nuts!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/13/2006 7:48:16 PM | A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little **stard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 2:27:19 AM | q-whats the definition of a perfect cinderella?
a-a girl who sucks and fuc*s till midnight then turns in a 12 pack and a pizza | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:44:22 AM | A Business man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1.) it had never been occupied;
(2.) that there was plenty of heat;
(3.) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home......
Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 1:33:54 PM | Saw this on a website and chuckled.
-----------
So I'm on one of those little airplanes the other day, you know the kind that only seats like 30 people, and the stewardess comes by and asks me what my weight is...
I ask her why she needs to know and she tells me that on these little planes, they calculate the combined weight of all the passengers so they only have to bring just enough fuel to get to where they're going.
I WEIGH FOUR THOUSAND ****ING POUNDS! FILL ER UP!
Because the LAST thing I want to do is end up starving to death in the mountains because a bunch of women lied about their WEIGHT! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 1:42:21 PM | DUSTY UNDERWEAR
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."  | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 2:10:31 PM | A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a
bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and
flavor. The children began to say:
Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green.......lime
Orange.....orange
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify
the taste. "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue It's what your mother
might sometimes call your father," One little girl looked up in horror,
spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my
God! They're ass holes! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:59:45 PM | | a traveling salesmen was driving through a rural area when he had a bad car wreck and injured himself badly.he crawed several miles to a farm house where when he knocked on the door a mean looking farmer answered the door.the salesmen asked if he could stay there to let his wounds heal for the night.the farmer looked him in the eye and said very sternly"first my daughter is a virgin and if she is not one in the morning i will shoot your dead"."second my son weighs 250 pounds and plays fullback for the local football team and he is completely straight","if you try somthing i am not sure what he might do to you"."third my wife and i have been married for over 25 years she has never cheated on me and if you try i will kill you and bury you in the back yard"."now if you can live with that you can stay here as long as you need to and heal up".the salesmen looks at the farmer,then looks at his bleeding body and says"ok i can live with that but just one question how far is it to the next farmhouse". | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/15/2006 3:23:55 PM | Many years ago there was a wealthy gentlemen who had a large house in the country. He had a caretaker who would take him to town in the horse and buggy to run his errands. Whenever he had to travel, as he often did, his caretaker would watch over the house. The caretaker was a man of few words.
One day the caretaker picked up the gentleman at the train station after he had been away on business. They watched as the magnificent steam locomotive pulled its load of cars from the station and around a curve. As the sound of the whistle faded in the distance they began the trip to the country.
The gentleman asked his caretaker if anything had happened while he was away. The caretaker replied, "No, nothing much happened. 'Cept your dog died."
The gentleman asked, "Oh? My dog died? How did he die?" The caretaker replied, "Well, I reckon it was from eating the burned horse meat."
The gentleman asked, "Burned horse meat? Where did he find burned horse meat?" The caretaker replied, "In the barn. When the sparks landed on the roof the barn caught fire and burned. The horses were trapped inside. Your dog got into the barn, ate the burned horse meat, and died."
The gentleman asked, "Where did the sparks come from?" The caretaker replied, "Well they came from the house.
"The house?," the gentleman asked. "What happened to the house!" The caretaker replied, "Well, when the candle got knocked over the curtain caught fire and sparks from the house landed on the barn roof. When the barn burned the horses were inside. The dog ate the burned horse meat and died."
The gentleman asked frantically, "Candle! Candle! What candle!". The caretaker replied, "It was around the casket."
"CASKET! WHAT CASKET!", the gentleman yelled. "The caretaker replied, "The casket your wife was in. When we found her in bed with that other gentleman she was very frightened and her heart gave out. At the funeral one of the candles fell over and the curtain caught fire. The sparks from the house landed on the barn roof and the barn burned with the horses inside. The dog got into the barn and ate the burned horse meat and died."
"So," the gentleman exclaimed, "I thought you said nothing happened while I was away!" The caretaker replied, "Naw, nothing much happened. 'Cept your dog died." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 7:02:44 AM | | A man wins a ticket to the super bowl from a local radio station. When he arrives at his seat, he is closer to the Goodyear blimp than he is to the field. After the first quarter of the game, the man notices a seat right on the fifty yard line, eight rows up is unoccupied. The man makes his way past security to the seat. He askes the gentleman in the next seat if this is anyones seat. The gentleman replies, that was my wifes seat, but she has passed away and this will be the first super bowl that she has missed. The man, dumbfounded, askes, couldn't you get a relative or a close friend to come to the game with you? The gentleman then replied, I tried, but they are all at the funeral. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 3:33:15 PM | A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife...
"Wife, we're going fishing this weekend. You, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces... "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right, I'll give you three choices...
Either you come fishing with me and the dog, you give me a blow
job, or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again...
"But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of
them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when
I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.. Twenty minutes later her
husband comes back...
"Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, a blow
job, or up the ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind.
"O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his trollies....
The wife is on her knees doing the business.. she stops...looks
up at her Husband... "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It
tastes like shit!"
"Yes!" says her husband, "The dog didn't want to go fishing
either." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 3:50:11 PM | The Washington Post's Style Invitational has once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running a fever. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 5:01:49 PM | NEW RULES for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for _Classmates.com_
(http://classmates.com/) there's a reason you don't talk to people for
25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing
my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If
it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky **stards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing around with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target! You just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
***hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," oooooh, you're a huge ***hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter", verifying the amount,
deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy. Paper? Plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been
called to do a cleanup on aisle nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God that policeman wouldn't notice you.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving; it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/17/2006 6:55:20 PM | The price of vanity !!
>>
>>
>>
>>> A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
>> hospital.
>>>
>>> While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
>>>
>>> Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
>>>
>>> God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
>> live".
>>>
>>> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
>> facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
>> change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she
>> figured
>> she might as well make the most of it.
>>
>> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
>> crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
>>>
>>> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
>> another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the
>> ambulance?" .
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> God replied, "I didn't recognise you." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/18/2006 6:19:16 AM | SOME QUICK ONE LINERS
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/18/2006 11:20:57 PM | What if people treated cars like computers?
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't treat cars like they do
computers. But, imagine if they did....
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing
happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go
anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a
needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then
it crashed and it won't start now!"
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/19/2006 8:54:04 AM | ^^^^^^So true! So funny! Good one Brazen! Thanks for the laugh. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/19/2006 9:39:21 PM | I'm glad you like my thread... feel free to add some of your own. 
-------------
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit
his ball into the woods. Ho found it in a patch of pretty yellow
buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little
old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a
matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest
of your life!"
THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred,where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the **** willows."
Harry yells back......
"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/19/2006 9:40:48 PM | The following chat room transcript is pretty long, but it's
funny.
BIGBOY: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and High
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
BIGBOY: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have
on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm
also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it
from dinner...it smells funny.
SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
BIGBOY: OK
SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on
the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking
up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your
crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
BIGBOY: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
BIGBOY: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
SWEETHEART: I'm moaning softly.
BIGBOY: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off
slowly...
SWEETHEART: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling
and rubbing.
BIGBOY: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips
a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
SWEETHEART: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
BIGBOY: I'll pay for it.
SWEETHEART: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and
harder.
BIGBOY: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching
back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air
caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
BIGBOY: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.
SWEETHEART: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.
BIGBOY: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
BIGBOY: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
SWEETHEART: What?
BIGBOY: I'm so sorry; Really.
SWEETHEART: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.
BIGBOY: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it
with a *plop*
SWEETHEART: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing
your hard tool.
BIGBOY: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!
SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
BIGBOY: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all
over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
SWEETHEART: What's the matter?
BIGBOY: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
SWEETHEART: Are you OK?
BIGBOY: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
SWEETHEART: Can I help?
BIGBOY: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your
cups?
SWEETHEART: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
BIGBOY: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
SWEETHEART: Come back to me, lover.
BIGBOY: I'm washing the cup now.
SWEETHEART: I'm on the bed aching for you.
BIGBOY: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's
dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
SWEETHEART: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
BIGBOY: I found it.
SWEETHEART: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you
so badly.
BIGBOY: Me too.
SWEETHEART: Your pants are off. I kiss you *passionately* our
naked bodies pressing each other.
BIGBOY: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
SWEETHEART: Why don't you take off your glasses?
BIGBOY: OK, but I can't see very well without them. *Places the
glasses on the night table*
SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
BIGBOY: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the
room and toward the bathroom.
SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.
BIGBOY: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
BIGBOY: I'm done. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
SWEETHEART: What's the matter now?
BIGBOY: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling
my way.
SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.
BIGBOY: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know .thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
BIGBOY: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't
stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
BIGBOY: I'm flaccid.
SWEETHEART: What?
BIGBOY: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
SWEETHEART: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous
look on my face.
BIGBOY: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my manhood all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
SWEETHEART: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on
my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
BIGBOY: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair
spray, picture frames and your candles.
SWEETHEART: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
BIGBOY: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One
of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm
pointing at it *a shocked look on my face*
SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
BIGBOY: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
ADMIN: (Chatter #2 "Sweetheart" has exited the forum)
| |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:32:15 AM | Three maried couples arrive at the "pearly gates" waiting for admittance. St. Peter comes out and says that in order to gain admittance you must prove that you are worthy. St. Peter asks the first man, a plumber, why do you think you are worthy?
The man replies, Sir, I have been a great father. St. Peter looks at the man and says, yes, but you have also been a life long drunk. In fact, you even married a woman named Sherry.
NO ADMITTANCE!
St. Peter then goes to the second man, a carpenter, and asks, why do you think you are worthy?
The man replies, Sir, I have been a great provider for my wife and kids. St. Peter looks the man in the eyes and says, yes, but you have a personality like poison, you even married a woman named Ivy.
NO ADMITTANCE!
At this time, the third man, a lawyer, looks to his wife and says, let's get the hell out of here, Penny. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:54:54 AM | | The football team at Arkansas Tech is taking an exam that will determine their academic eligibility for the upcoming season. Bubba is having difficulty with the last question. The question reads: Old MacDonald had a ___________. Bubba taps Tiny on the shoulder and says, do you have the answer to the last question? Tiny replies, boy Bubba, you are so stupid. Everybody knows that Old MacDonald had a farm. Bubba says, yes that's what I thought, but I wasn't sure. Another minute goes by and Bubba taps Tiny on the shoulder again and says, how do you spell farm? Tiny says, Bubba, you really are stupid. Everybody knows that farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O !! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 10:53:45 PM | An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady
who is also staying at the home. One day he gets UP enough
courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day
trip, they will stay behind and get to it.
He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.
She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."
He says he would love to and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I
afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."
She says, "It must be my arthritis."
He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down
there. And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible
smell."
She says,
"No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my ass."
----------
Oh f*ck me that's gross. | |
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