|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 10:57:58 PM | Things NEVER to attempt on any date especially the 1st:
1. Slam a pitcher and get up and sing "I Touch Myself"
2. Walk up to your date straight faced and say, "I lost my butt plug, have you seen it?"
3. Go to Todd's to pick out new and exciting toys
4. Bring up the amount of times that you went to jail for either being the prostitute or trying to buy one.
5. Introduce your date to "Eli", your invisible friend.
6. Tell your date about your date as if he isn't there.
7. Not only talk to yourself, but actually answer yourself.
8. Get on the table and start to dance off beat while taking off your clothes.
9. Never post a picture that is 4 years old (80lbs lighter) than what you have on your internet page and then tell your date that you woke up heavier this morning and you don't know what happened!
10. Make sure you take your medication before going out on dates.
11. Don't vomit on your date or in the car unless you never plan on seeing them again.
12. Nudity is not recommended unless your not wanting to see that person again.
13. Do not take your date to an adult store, pull him in the back and have him watch you have sex with some random man!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2006 11:26:44 PM | Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear....
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card (or a key to the building) and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
***** So why is it again that we work? ***** | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2006 2:22:57 AM | Take you time to read each line aloud without making a mistake.. The average person can't
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
this is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read every third word from the top down | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2006 10:42:25 AM | Courtesy of Belgarion...
---------------
EuroEnglish
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaning "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2006 7:55:51 PM | A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2006 9:27:20 PM | A sexually frustrated woman went to her doctors complaining about her love life, telling the doctor her husband isn't so much into sex anymore. He prescribed some viagra told her to put 1 in his morning coffee and report to him the next day.
The woman did as instructed and went back to the doctors the next day. "It was wonderful we made love for over an hour, what would happen if I gave him 3?". The doctor told her he wasn;t sure but to try it anyways and report to him the next day.
The woman again did as instructed and reported to the doctors. "Wow, I can't believe it, we made love all night long, he hasn't touched me like that in years. What would happen if I gave him 5?" The doctor told her he wasn't sure but to try it anyways and report to him the next day.
The woman gave her husband half the bottle and went to the doctor's office again the following day grinning ear to ear. "Last night was the most amazing evening ever. We hade love into the morning... I can barely move...wow! What would happen if I gave him the rest of the bottle?" The doctor told her he wasn't sure but to try it anyways and report to him the next day.
A few weeks go by and the doctor hasn't heard from the woman, when a young boy comes into his office asking the doctor if he was the one who gave his mommy those pills, when the doctor told the child yes and asked how was working out for her, he said "my mom's dead, my sisters pregant, my ass hurts and my dad has cornered the cat saying "here kitty kitty kitty..!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/22/2006 10:10:41 AM | Southern Gentlemen
After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas bar, he beckoned
the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly,
luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of a$$?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're
nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just
slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just
did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from
in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all
for a piece uh a$$ for mah drink." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/23/2006 6:42:36 AM | A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/23/2006 7:47:45 AM | I just about busted a gut reading this... 
---------------
Men's Speech Patterns
1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the
address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle
identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday.
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and
was wearing a thong bikini.
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt.
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I
can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three
days yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could
be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and
we're out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/23/2006 7:50:32 AM | A lot to be thankful for...
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example:
1. I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 10.Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 11.Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
12.How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
13.Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
14.If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
15.Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
16.If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
17.You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
18.Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
19.Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
20.We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.......but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
21.Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
22.A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
23.Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
24.Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
25.I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
26.If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
27.Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
28.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29.I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
30.You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
31.Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
32.We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
33.If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/23/2006 9:44:33 AM | re: Men's Speech Patterns
BRILLIANT! Every woman should receive a copy of that along with the operating manual for men. (I was reading mine in the tub and it fell in. I lost whole chapters that way.)
Thanks for the tips!  | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:19:02 AM | SENIOR MOMENTS
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:37:30 AM | One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.
"What is 12x11?"
"120?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"
"25?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"
The blonde ventured "4?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:42:39 AM | Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 6:46:02 PM | Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the balls to say, "You're next." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 10:08:59 PM | An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all
sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life. After
much deliberation the Englishman said,
"I believe it is the process of thought, it comes out in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think Blinking is even
quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough, " quipped the Welshman. "I am
sure electricity is faster; just think if you hit any light
switch you get instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid
points but I think Diarrhea wins!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three
other guys.
"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry
house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of
Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the
morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat
myself!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/24/2006 10:13:02 PM | I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive
on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered
the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped
the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each
day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at
the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new
car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the
32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least
another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,
000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,
000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the
National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men
as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that
EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a
lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off?
I think not.
---------------
| |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:01:00 AM | | Two cows were standing in a field and one said to the other, "So what do you think about this Mad Cow Disease?". "What do I care",the other replies," Im a helicopter"........sorry,that was awful! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:18:38 AM | | Two farmers stood on the verandah of the outback pub with beers in their hands.Nearby a kelpie sheepdog was sitting in the shade licking its balls. "You know Jake," said one of the farmers watching the dog, "Id like to be able to do that!". "Well why dont ya?", his mate replied,"its your dog!". | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:22:47 AM | YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN....
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw YOU peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 6:57:30 AM | TEDDY BEARS AND MEN
A gorgeous woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. The couple goes back to his place. He shows her around his apartment
She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the shelf along the wall
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that is so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly...she gazes into his eyes, and they begin to kiss...which leads to them romantically removing each other's clothes. After a very intense night together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over lovingly and asks, "Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns and says; "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 7:33:48 AM | Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2006 7:42:45 AM | Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why do they wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2006 6:30:23 AM | A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2006 8:37:58 AM | In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right." Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say...
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife. | |
|
|
| Page 14 of 76
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41 |
|
Home
login 
