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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2006 9:42:51 AM | | A woman rushed into a fruit store and asked for 2 kilos of tomatoes.The shopkeeper told the woman that he didnt have any but he was expecting some more in 2 days.The woman insisted that he must have some as every other time shed been in the store he's always had tomatoes.So she asked again for 2 kilos of tomatoes.The shopkeeper looked at her and said,"How do you say carrots without the C?" "Arrots," the woman replied. "How about potatoes without the P?",asked the shopkeeper. "Otatoes," replied the woman. "Then how would you say tomatoes without the F?" asked the shopkeeper. "Theres no F in tomatoes," replied the woman. "Well," replied the shopkeeper, "thats what Ive been trying to tell ya!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2006 11:02:27 PM | For all you golfers out there...
The Laws of Golf:
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have
inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law
does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the
former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this
cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most
unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should
be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke
the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he
deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies
to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
(Funny how this law applies to women.)
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law,
does not come close.)
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law
three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss
an easy one, ***hole."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be
the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until
the sunset. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 2:36:46 AM | a guy stops in after work at a local bar to have a drink or two before he goes home to the wife.he is half way through his first drink when this little hottie sits down near him at the bar.they start to talk and he has a few more drinks,then a slow dance and then back to her place.he wakes up and looks at the clock and see's its 2:30 in the morning and starts to freak out about what he will tell the wife.he thinks for a minute then looks at the girl and says do you have any baby powder and she says yes.he grabs the powder and puts some on his hands then jumps in the car and goes home.he opens the door and there is his wife at the kitchen table where she starts yelling and asking questions about where he has been.he looks at her and says honey i am so sorry but i stopped to have a drink and met this little hottie at the bar.i we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and i have been at her house until i just woke up.she looks at him for a second then says let me see your hands,he shows them to her.she looks at his hands then looks at him and says"little hottie my ass you've been bowling with your buddies again all night. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 5:27:59 PM | Top 16 Country Songs
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number one song:
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:21:24 PM | brazen if you don't mind i would like to add a few to your list
i wish i were in dixie but she is out of town tonight
i did not know how low i had fallen until i woke up on top of you
the last thing i gave her was the bird
my name may not be elvis but you can call me king
your good girl is gonna go bad | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 6:51:04 PM | Not really a joke, but ( imho) one of the funniest routines Peter Cook and Dudley Moore ever did. British humour at it's best. The " One legged Tarzan" sketch.
One Leg Too Few
Peter Cook
The scene is a theatrical producer's office
Peter:
Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.
Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg
Peter:
Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Dudley:
Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter:
Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley:
Right.
Peter:
Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley:
You noticed that?
Peter:
I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley:
Correct.
Peter:
And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley:
Right.
Peter:
A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley:
Very true.
Peter:
Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley:
Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter:
Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley:
The leg division?
Peter:
Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley:
You mean it's inadequate?
Peter:
Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley:
I see
Peter:
However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.
Dudley:
So there's still a chance?
Peter:
There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley:
Well... thank you very much.
Peter:
So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.
He shows Dudley out
Peter:
I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:30:18 PM | World's shortest (& best) fairytale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you
marry me?" The guy said, "No."
And the girl lived happily ever after and went
shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had
a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.
The end. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:33:12 PM | 40 things you would like to say outloud
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ....?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:34:48 PM | I lie awake
I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking
about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you lay on my naked body...You sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while
you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore
witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting foryou...
YOU F-CKING MOSQUITO!!!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2006 7:36:39 PM | BEST SHORT JOKE OF THE YEAR
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 9:09:48 AM | Who am I?
I shall seek and find you...
I shall make your knees weak and your head spin...
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy...beg for me to to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved
When I am finished with you.
And you will be weak for days.
Who am I...
THE FLU | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 1:20:06 PM | Ok this one is a classic, and a repeat but whatever, I still love it. 
Things women should know:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
bitching about you leaving it down.
2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think
of it that way.
5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
9. Check your oil! Please. You always know when you're out of
food to cook.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
12. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
13. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do
it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions,
and neither do we.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to
your girlfriends.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.
18. If it itches, it will be scratched.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not
worth the hassle.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
21. You have enough clothes.
22. You have too many shoes.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce
Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the
hell they're saying anyway).
24. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
25. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 1:29:27 PM | The following 15 police comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country.
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them for a while."
14. "Take your hands off the car or I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that's the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket!"
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey doo!"
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
5. "In God we trust. All others, we run through NCIC."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
3. "No, Sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good, personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE NUMBER ONE COMMENT IS...
1. "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Now sign here." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 2:05:38 PM | OUCH!! LOL, Brazen.
I have a real-life funny cop story. I was living in NYC when I was mugged and my wallet was stolen. The guy who stole it took off running down the street. He got to the corner and ran into an off-duty morotocycle cop. The cop, noticing the guy looking like a frightened rabbit and clutching a woman's wallet, decided to check it out. Of course the mugger took off running.
The cop is now chasing the mugger down the street, driving right behind him on his motorcycle with the lights on. The guy doesn't stop, so the cop calls out to him, "Hey buddy! Can't you run any faster? I'd really like to open this thing up!"
Yay!  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 4:15:30 PM | "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you
now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 4:28:49 PM | KFC
what do a woman and a KFC have in common?
after the thighs and the breasts theres only the bucket to stick your greasy bone in | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 4:31:45 PM | The Vending Machine and the Peanuts
A man goes into a bar and orders a chocolate bar from a vending machine. The vending machine sez "I'm not giving u a chocolate bar u ugly git!"
Then the man goes up to the bar and sees a bowl of peanuts. The peanuts say " Ur lukin very nice 2day sir, go ahead and eat us" So he does. He then asks the barman y the peanuts were polite but the vending machine was rude. And the barman sez " Well, the machine is out of order but the peanuts r complimentary!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 5:48:40 PM | 3 construction workers head up to the top of the building to eat their lunches.
The first one, an Italian man, opens up his lunch box and says "I swear to god, if my wife packs me spaghetti and meatballs one more day, I'll jump off the roof of this building."
The second man, a Chinese man, opens up his lunch box and says, "I swear to god, if my wife packs me fried rice one more day, I'll jump off the roof of this building."
The third man, a Mexican man, opens up his lunch box and says, "I swear to god, if my wife packs me burritos one more day, I'll jump off the roof od this building."
The next day the 3 men go up to the top of the building to eat their lunches. The Italian man opens his lunch and jumps off the building plummeting to his death. The Chinese man opens his lunch and jumps off the building plummeting to his death. The Mexican man opens his lunch and also jumps off plummeting to his death.
2 days later, the wives of the three men were standing around the caskets talking. The Italian's wife said "If I had only known, I wouldnt have packed him spaghetti and meatballs." The Chinese man's wife said, "If I had only known, I wouldn't have packed him fried rice." The Mexican's wife said "I don't know what the fu ck his problem was, he packed his own damn lunch for years!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 6:02:35 PM | an 85 year old man goes to the doctor for a check up.the doctor is asking him the usuall questions about his life style."so mr jones what have you been up to"mr jones thinks for a minute and says"well doc this last weekend while i was at the country club i got to talking to this 20 year old hottie.one thing led to another and she ended up back at my place were had a long hot steamy sex session.after we were done with the first one she calls her 21 year old girlfriend who comes over and we have a threesome for the rest of the night.they leave the next morning and i go back to the club for breakfast.i had just finished breakfast when the 24 year old sister of one of the girls i had just been with comes to my table and we ended up leaving going back to my house for some more hot sex.she ends up staying the whole night and leaves the next morning after one more good role in the hay.i go back to the club for lunch and guess what there was another hottie there and it all happend again.another night of hot steamy wet sex with a young lady.the stunned doctor looks at him and says so your telling me that you had sex all weekend with 4 younge ladies under the age of 25.yes i did the man proudly says.well mr jones you know you are 85 years old i hope you took some precautions when you were having sex with these young ladies.oh sure doc what do you think i am a idiot.i gave them all a fake name and phone number in case they got pregnant. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/29/2006 7:22:37 PM | 4 rich and prominent people are at the driving range. One of the men excuses himself to use the washroom and the other 3 remain and continue to brag about their sons.
The first man, a lawyer says that is son is such a successful CEO of a company that he bought his girlfriend a Ferrari for her birthday.
The second man, a plastic surgeon says that his son is so wealthy he bought his girlfriend a house for her birthday.
The third man, a dotcom millionaire brags that his son is so wealthy he bought his girlfriend a yacht for her birthday.
The fourth man returns and asks what they are talking about. "Our sons" one of the men replied.
"Get this."The fourth man says. "I found out last month that my son is gay and is sleeping with multiple people, and for his birthday his lovers bought him a Ferrari a house and a yacht!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 6:55:18 AM | Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker-night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Dear Sir,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:05:00 AM | My Business
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:08:53 AM | Pet Names
A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.
He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shinned his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot said, "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."
The burglar asked, "Warn me, huh? What's your name?"
"Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:17:31 AM | A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 1:40:42 PM | Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
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