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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 2:07:51 PM | Jack Bauer Facts...
* Jack Bauer's cell phone never runs out of battery because the cell phone doesnt want to be mistaken for helping the terrorist.
* Jack Bauer once fit an entire NERF football in his ass and than he shit out a 12" Subway meatball sandwich. Go figure.
* The dead sea scrolls explicitly show the Holy Grail to be located inside Jack Bauer's pants.
* Jack Bauer, the one man on earth who never takes a leak, has a meal or takes a nap on any given day.
* Jack has Never Taken a Leak in the entire Show.
* Jack grew up without any parents, siblings or pets, he was self taught the ancient arts of war by Genghis Khan who then left Jack for dead when he started speaking. ...Jack's still alive.
* Jack Bauer lost a game of Baccarat to James Bond. Jack tortured Bond until he pissed his pants and gave Jack’s money back. For good measure, Jack pissed in his dry martini, keyed his car, stole his woman and nuked London. **** Baccarat.
* Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris cry so that his tears will cure cancer. No one else can make Chuck Norris cry.
* Chuck Norris originally made anyone handicapped who parked in a handicapped spot. Jack Bauer came along and killed Chuck Norris and will kill anyone who parks in a handicapped spot.
* Ray Charles only came away with blindness after Jack Bauer shot him in the face, nobody tells Jack to "Hit The Road Jack."
* In the midst of war between the Titans and the Olympian Gods, Jack Bauer captured Atlas and forced him to hold up the world until he told him who was plotting against Zeus. After Atlas cracked, Jack rushed off to inform Zeus and on his way out said, "Don't move until I get back." Atlas is still waiting for Jack to get back. It is also a well known fact that earthquakes are caused by Atlas shaking with fear when he thinks Jack is coming back.
* Jack Bauer once survived a nuclear explosion that was detonated less than 14 miles away.
* Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.
* Jack Bauer is the real Fifth Element.
* Jack Bauer's duffle bag has enough weapons to take out a former Soviet bloc country.
* Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is because he sunk it
* Only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of because GOD got boring to make fun of
* Jack Bauer takes round house kicks to the face from Chuck Norris for dinner
* Jack Bauer once played russian roulette with a fully loaded uzi, or coarse he won
* Chuck Norris is Jack Bauers personal toilet
* Jack Bauer's poker face is so good he once won a game of poker with monopoly money, an eight card from uno, a joker, a visa card, a tissue, and an iPod nano.
* Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testacles contest". He beat them both by a combined total of 46
* Chuck Norris did not beat a brick wall in tennis because the wall is Jack Bauer
* Jack Bauer is the only person in the world to win a game of connect four in two moves
* Jack Bauer has had sex with every woman in the world, including Chuck Norris.
* It takes Jack Bauer 13 minutes to watch 60 minutes
* Jack Bauer personally trained the trainers of both the Special Air Service and the Office of Strategic Services during the Second World War. After the initial training, which abruptly ended in 1940, Bauer spent the remainder of the war in Germany, not hunting, but toying with Hitler. The suitcase bomb was a practical joke. On a related note, Jack Bauer is the real reason that there is no trace of Adolf's body.
* Scientists recently uncovered the real reason dinosaurs are extinct: Jack Bauer received an anonymous tip that dinosaurs are terrorists.
* Everytime jack bauer smiles, a terrorist loses his balls
* Jack Bauer is the only man to call John McCain a **** and live to tell about it.
* Jack Bauer's so hard that he once got bitten by a vampire and staked himself. He's so convincing that he talked God into resurrecting him.
* Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer because they're afraid to.
* The dodo bird once pissed off Jack Bauer...
* Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires don't come out at all.
* Jack and Nina actually had a kid. A book was written about him called 'Revelations'
* Lemmings think Jack Bauer's behind them
* Zombies only run when chased by Jack Bauer
* Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start is a result of Jack Bauer torturing Contra for information.
* The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
* Jack Bauer once bit a zombie. It turned into Tony Almeida
* Jack Bauer pees fire and shits snow balls.
* Jack Bauer wrote the Bible. That's why its so violent.
* Jack Bauer only uses a gun to kill terrorist as a courtesy to those who would have to clean up the mess associated with him using his hands.
* Jack Bauer isnt a herion addict, herion gets it's rush from doing some Jack Bauer
* Jack Bauer's only true friend is Al Bundy
* Jack bauer is so hard, even a state excecution wouldn't kill him
* If Cloe and Edgar ever had a child Jack would face his most annoying nemesis yet!
* In the hour after the last episode of the 1st season a tiny Bauer Baby shoots its way out of Teri's stomach and rescues a bus full of school children.
* Jack Bauer once assisted in the bombing of CTU, not because he had to keep his cover but because he grew tired of bullshit protocols. Damnit Jack your a loose canon.
* Jack Bauer once pissed in Tony's Cubs mug, this granted Tony magical powers that allowed him to be come back to life after being shot in the neck, and blown up by a bomb.
* Jack Bauer could have survived the nuclear blast, but decided that he had enough of Mason and wanted him to die.
* In the morning, Jack Bauer doesn't shave, he must kick himself in the face repeatedly. Jack bauer is the only thing hard enough to cut Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer is not hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Jack Bauer.
* Jack only dies when there are no more terrorists in this world, but since that's not gonna happen, he lives forever!!
* Chuck Norris drives a Dodge Ram. Jack Bauer drives whatever the hell he wants.
* Jack bauer named his cat chuck Norris because its a ****
* Jack Bauer is to cowardice as Chloe is to personality.
* It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
* There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.
* People have begun to play a drinking game called "Bauer Hour", where you take a shot of Jack Daniels every time Jack kills someone. One person usually goes through 3 bottles an episode.
* If Bush really wanted the war in Iraq to end he would just send over Jack Bauer. Nuff said!
* Jack Bauer's last meal was on the California Presidential Primary in 2000. Now he gets his nourishment straight from the sun....like Superman.
* Jack Bauer is not part of CTU. Jack Bauer is part of Walt Cummings' worst nightmare.
* Jack Bauer performs more frontal lobe labotomies than the American Medical Association.
* Jack Bauer uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.
* Jack Bauer, from the Latin 'Baur', meaning "to rend the flesh while smiling."
* Jack Bauer doesn't cut his grass, he stares at it and dares it to grow.
* Jack Bauer does NOT get taken into custody.
* Jack Bauer invented the word "Damnit".
* Jack Bauer is responsible for the phrase "Please don't kill me"
* E= mc2 - Jack Bauer = A whole lot of trouble!
* Jack Bauer is what keeps Morgues and Coffin Makers in Business.
* Every empire owes its existence AND destruction to Jack Bauer.
* The dinosaurs rolled out 65 million years ago cause they heard Jack Bauer was coming.
* Jack Bauer killed Latin.
* Jack Bauer Express. When you absolutely, positively have to kill every terrorist overnight.
* Jack Bauer redefines the word kill-a-ton.
* Jack Bauer is the last surviving son of Planet Whoop Ass.
* Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces.
* Jack Bauer is the reason Osama's still hiding.... but not for long.
* The Grim Reaper calls Jack Bauer for advice.
* Jack Bauer has killed more people than AIDS.
* Jack Bauer has a higher body count than Hitler.
* Jack Bauer only own 5 outfits. Fox is gonna be screwed if there's a 6th season.
* When the boogey man gets scared its cause he thinks Jack Bauer is hiding in his closet
* Jack Bauer is 1/16 Cherokee, not because of his ancestors but because he ****in ate Chuck Norris, who ate an indian
* Jack Bauer had a staring contest with Chuck Norris. Norris got so frightened, he shit his pants, lost 200 pounds, and his beard fell off
* It doesnt take 24 hours for Jack Bauer to foil Terrorist Plots, He is just toying with them.
* It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
* When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
* Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
* Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
* If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
* When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
* Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
* A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
* The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer". No matter who you are.
* While in college, Jack was hit on by a girl he knew already had a boyfriend. She made her move, and he smashed her face into a glass coffee-table. Nobody ****s around with Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer was a major reason why David Palmer was elected President. Not just because he saved Palmer's life several times during the California primary, he accompanied Palmer on campaign trips and glared at voters, scaring them into voting for his man.
* When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
* God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.
* Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.
* That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.
* Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a ****.
* Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
* If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
* Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper.
* Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone's ass.
* On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
* Fox initially wanted to call the show "Jack Bauer: Terrorist Hunter". Jack said "**** you. What happens when I kill all the terrorists?" "Well, we cancel the show." Jack quickly snapped the exec's neck into 24 peices. Hence the name, 24.
* In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
* Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
* Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
* When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
* If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
* Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
* If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
* Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country. To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck. Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
* The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
* Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
* Jack Bauer would kick the **** out of Chuck Norris, his roundhouse kicks, and his beard
* Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2006 4:29:33 PM |
Jack Bauer Facts....
Maybe it's just me, but who is Jack Bauer? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 8:06:04 AM | The Blind Man in the Blondes' Bar
A blind man enters a ladies-only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells
to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to the blind man says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that
you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blond woman.
2) The bouncer is a blond woman.
3) I'm a blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a weight lifter, and
5) The lady to your right is a blonde and professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister: Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 8:07:18 AM | The Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell
asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his
lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He
put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife
demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
my secretary. We had sex all afternoon and then we fell asleep with
exhaustion."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying **stard! You've been
playing golf." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 4:29:58 PM | Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument
Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. (have said it)
You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? (have said it..BAD idea)
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. (always say it)
Whoa, time out. Football is on. (have said it...good luck enjoying the game after THIS!)
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of **** flakes this morning! (said it)
Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? (said it...she did it..HA!)
Who are you kidding?We both know that thing ain't loaded. (no f'in way I'm sayin THIS one)
> | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 5:06:56 PM | | Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says, ‘When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing.’ After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats. ‘Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the cat again.’ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 9:21:25 PM | msannthrope wrote
I don't know who Jack Bauer is, that list made me laugh 'til it hurt. (Who the hell is he though?!)
Thank you for not making me feel alone on this one, msannthorpe. Chuck Norris is an icon. Jack Bauer may be more powerful than Superman, but he should hire a new PR firm! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 9:30:47 PM | Jack Bauer may be more powerful than Superman, but he should hire a new PR firm!
Ok, it's Kiefer Sutherland, a real crazy Canuck, from the TV show "24" who plays the character Jack Bauer. Maybe I should watch TV more often! It's pretty similar to John Wayne who would have never made it as a cowboy hero with his real name of Marion Weatherby, or something along those lines. Notwithsatnding, Chuck, capable of roundhouse kicks from birth is a real life bad a$$, while Kiefer Sutherland only plays the role of a real bad a$$. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 11:43:37 PM | Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed
to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife and
work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/31/2006 11:46:58 PM | Don't mess with mothers....
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better know as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
I've cancelled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
He asked ""Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 6:39:22 AM | Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny then asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 6:40:14 AM | Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 6:41:49 AM | Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 7:14:27 AM | | A guy walks into a bar with a cut on his arm,a broken nose and bruises everywhere.He sat down and ordered a whisky.The guy sitting next to him finally decided to ask how he got all these injuries.The guy looked at him and replied,"Well,I was walking into a store and I stepped on some dogshIt and slipped over and cut my arm." The other man said," Yeah,but how did you get so bruised and break your nose?" "Well,there was this biker who arrived just after me and walked in and slipped on the same shIt that I did," he replied. "When I told him that I did that five minutes ago,he beat the crap outta me!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 10:40:34 AM | The Grievance
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: *I do physical labor. * I work at great depths. * I plunge head first into everything I do. * I do not get weekends or public holidays off. * I work in a damp environment. * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. * I work in high temperatures. * My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: * You do not work 8 hours straight. * You fall asleep after brief work periods. * You do not always follow the orders of the management team. * You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. * You do not take the initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. * You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. * You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. * You will retire well before you are 65. * You are unable to work double shifts. * You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. * And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 10:41:55 AM | Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Someone willing to make the "women are like"... rebuttal?  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 10:43:43 AM | Some helpful rules for better writing:
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Comparisons are as bad as clichs.
7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
8. Be more or less specific.
9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
10. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
11. No sentence fragments.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Don't use no double negatives.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be ignored.
19. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
20. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
21. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
22. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 10:45:27 AM | Coors translated its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue", the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "Female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "Ko-kou-ko- le", translating into "Happiness in the mouth."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 3:57:42 PM | Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and
beer.
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, you've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.
No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have
eaten all the food."
I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.
Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f*cking going!!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 4:14:29 PM | Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:.
Dave....
Dave....
Dave.....
...............You're a veterinarian"! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2006 10:04:48 PM | A Happy Woman:
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care , what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that
not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/2/2006 12:15:37 AM | A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/2/2006 1:14:15 AM | Johnny(7) and his brother Billy(5) are sitting in their room and they're really bored. So Johnny says to Billy " Hey i think it's time we started swearing, don't you?"
Billy replies " Ya lets do that sounds like fun Johnny"
Johnny says " Okay when we go down stairs for breakfast just do what I do okay?"
" Okay " Billy says.
Well they get downstairs and sit down at the breakfast table and their Mom says to Johnny.
" What do you want for breakfast today Johnny? "
Johnny says " I want some God Damn Cheerios!!! "
Well his mother grabs Johnny out of his chair and smacks him so hard he flies accross the kitchen and bounces off the wall. He gets up and runs upstairs crying.
The mother turns to Billy and asks " And what do you want for breakfast Billy? "
Billy replies " I don't know but I sure dont' want any of those F*cking Cheerios"
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/2/2006 4:25:42 AM | | Old Mario invites his nephew Luigi up to his estate one weekend.He takes him to a high vantage point and says to him," Luigi,look out to the north,you see the city of Rome? With my own bare hands,I builda that city.But does anyone remember me as Mario the Great Builder? NO!"...." Luigi,look to the south,you see the vineyards and wineries? I grew them wines and produced the local vino.But does anyone remember me as Mario the Great Wine Maker? NO!" ...."Luigi,look to the west,you see the fishing villages and fishing boats? I builda them.But does anyone remember me as Mario the Great Fisherman? NO!"...."But f#ck one goat...." | |
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