|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/2/2006 6:37:30 AM | HEAVEN VS. WAL-MART
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident! Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale! | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/2/2006 7:14:45 AM | A man is driving down the street and needs a parking space. He looks up and says "Lord, if you provide me with a spot, I'll swear off booze." Just then an open space appears. The man looks up again and says, "Never mind-found one." | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/2/2006 2:27:53 PM | coloured tampons..for brighter periods i saw a woman driver with her hazzard lights on and thought thats a good idea | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/2/2006 10:38:41 PM | >A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he seesSteven >Spielberg. > >As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for >his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese >people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." > >The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your >Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're >all the same," replied Spielberg. > >In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the >Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." >Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not >me." > >The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same." > >> > > > > | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 7:51:47 AM | Heh, i saw this on one of my friends profile/blog entries - I had to copy and pass it around - hilarious...
I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm.
A girl asked, "Why doesn't it taste sweet then?"
When she realized what she said, her face became red with embarassment.
Then the teacher said, "Because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat."
The girl started crying and left class ...  | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 4:51:45 PM | It's tough being a man...
a.. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
b.. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
c.. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
d.. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
e.. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,this is exploitation.
f.. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
g.. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
h.. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
i.. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
j.. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
k.. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive **stard.
l.. If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
m.. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
n.. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
o.. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
p.. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
q.. If she asks you, it's a favor.
r.. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
s.. If you don't, you're gay.
t.. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
u.. If you don't, you're unromantic.
v.. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
w.. If you don't, you're a slob.
x.. If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
y.. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
z.. If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
aa.. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
ab.. If she has a headache, she's tired.
ac.. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
ad.. If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
ae.. If you don't, there must be someone else. NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 4:54:06 PM | Signs and Slogans:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 4:56:41 PM | Tips for managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 4:57:50 PM | Kenny the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the Beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Kenny the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Kenny the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Kenny the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Kenny the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Kenny the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Kenny worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Kenny the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Kenny the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Kenny the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth... | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 5:04:45 PM | He Said, She Said...
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . .... . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . Good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said . . . I would but you're never there.
He said . . . Why did the man cross the road? She said . . . He heard the chicken was a slut.
He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . . They don't have time
He said . . .. What do men and sperm have in common? She said . . ....They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
He said . . . How does a man show that he is planning for the future? She said . . . He buys two cases of beer.
He said . . . What is the difference between men and government bonds? She said . . . The bonds mature.
He said . . . Why are blonde jokes so short? She said . . . So men can remember them.
He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . . . We don't know; it has not ever happened.
He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? She said . . . A widow.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
He said . . . What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? She said . . . They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 5:10:32 PM | Advantages Of Being A Woman Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/5/2006 9:50:30 PM | a door to door salesmen goes up to a house and rings the doorbell.after along time a little boy comes to the door and the salesmen ask him if his mommy was at home.the little boy points toward the back yard but does not say anything.the salesmen goes around the house and looks in the backyard where he sees this lady having sex with a goat.he stares for a second the goes back to the front yard and gathers himself.once he regains his composer he goes back to the front door and rings the doorbell again.the little boy comes back to door and opens it.the salesmen ask the kid"dosn't it bother you son that your mother is having sex with a goat".the looks at him and says"nooooooooooo it dosn'tttttttttttttt botherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr meeeeeeeeeeeeee a bitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. | |
|
| |
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/7/2006 6:14:03 AM | Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud." | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/8/2006 2:45:37 AM | | Flight 407 was just about to crash into the Atlantic Ocean and all the passengers were screaming for their lives.One young lady stood up in the middle of the aisle,stripped off her clothes and yelled,"Quick,someone make a woman outta me!" A man sitting behind her stood up,whipped off his shirt,threw it at her and said,"Here,iron this!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/8/2006 2:52:40 PM | Embarrassing moments
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld (go figure)
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? This is a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/8/2006 2:54:02 PM | | A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/8/2006 6:55:49 PM | A housewife takes home a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again and the mom's lover and son are again in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." Son: "I can't. I sold them." Dad: "How much did you sell them for?" Son: "$1,000." Dad: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends ! like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again.!!!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/9/2006 2:01:28 PM | 1) Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do. They are called "Speck Tators."
2) Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They're called "Comment Tators."
3) Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin. They are called "Aggie Tators."
4) There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them "Hezzie Tators."
5) Some people put on a front and act like someone else. They're called "Emma Tators."
6) Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators." | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/9/2006 2:05:48 PM | God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone to decide to play chess 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/9/2006 6:49:28 PM | Ok this is corny but it made me chuckle. Maybe corny is the wrong word to use... see below. lol
-------------
A man went into a hospital with a leaf of lettuce stuck up his bum.
The doctor said, "Ouch, that must be painful".
"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/9/2006 7:26:26 PM | Ok from corny ...we go to gross......a lady forwarded me this by sms.. =====================================================
A man goes to the hospital bleeding after being raped by an elephant....
the doctor who examines him says - strange , an elephants penis is probably 3" wide...but your @sshole is strecthed 10" wide....
the man replied - the b@stard fingered me first. | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/9/2006 10:51:48 PM | ^^ LMFAO Yeah yeah I already know I have a sick and twisted sense of humour... it's also politically incorrect.
~Cue proof~
-----------
Answering machine message at a Mental Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r- e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short- term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/10/2006 12:20:03 AM | Quote : If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
damned if she does damned if she doesnt.................LOL I have a lot of blonde friends on here so if any of you read this post...dont hate me K ?
A Blondes Year in Review ========================
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 2/10/2006 6:13:06 AM | Old Man on a Bench
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!" | |
|
|
| Page 17 of 74
|
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43 |
|