|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/10/2006 6:16:33 AM | Breaking into the House
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/10/2006 4:00:30 PM | | All the kids in Suzy's class had to stand up in front of the class and share what they learned over the weekend. Suzy started telling about the story she heard in Sunday School about "Jonah and the Whale". The teacher interrupted her and explained that although whales are really big critters, they eat really little stuff, shrimp, fishes, seaweed, and the like. There's no way that a whale could eat a whole guy!! But Suzy was undaunted. "I learned it in sunday school, so it has to be true". Well the teacher and Suzy bicker for a few minutes and Suzy finally gives up and says "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah what really happened." The teacher asked "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" Suzy said "Then you ask him." | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/10/2006 5:16:55 PM | A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots on liquor & starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says,"You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."The bartender says,"What do you have?"
The guy says,"75 cents." | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/11/2006 10:43:23 AM | It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump
off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job
and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to
jump, Father Christmas (Santa Claus) taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant
you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that
you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank
you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that :-
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in
her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for
your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue
with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also,
nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds
in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can
do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a
little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas
aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay **stard in fancy dress. | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/11/2006 10:44:09 AM | Repeat after me:
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I don't forward an e-mail.
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e- mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
POST CARDS, or GET-WELL-CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately
after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending
things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC
to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and
send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full
moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months
and all of your hair will fall out! | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/11/2006 10:50:16 AM | How to talk about women while still being politically correct:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/12/2006 9:35:25 AM | A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses
are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked
if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers,
"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains
her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/12/2006 10:36:27 AM | Friends don't let friends take home ugly women - Men's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open - Women's restroom, Murphy's,Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away - Perkins Library,Duke University, Durham, NC
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards - Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives - Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" - Rest stop off Route 81,West Virginia
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? - The Irish Times, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity - The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Voltaire
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra, Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere - Written in the dirt on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED! - Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MO
God is dead - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead - God, The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal - Revolution Books New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it - Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less - Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hilis, CA
| |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 4:00:30 AM | | A young boy sends a letter to Santa telling him a sob story and how he would like $2000 to buy his mother a present.The guy at the post office felt really sorry for the boy and decided to have a collection.He ended up raising $500 for the boy and sent it to him in the mail.The boy opened the letter and was disappointed to see only $500.He wrote a letter back to Santa saying,"Thanks heaps for the money Santa but there was only $500.But then again,we all know what a thieving bunch of priCks work at the post office." | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:01:35 AM | This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!"
The duck looked startled and leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?" | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:30:53 AM | Worm Remedy
Joe's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his ninth grade class a lesson on the evils of liquor so he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Observe" he told his class as he began to put one of the worms in the glass of water. This worm swam about freely and looked as happy as can be.
He then put the second worm in the glass of whiskey and it to swam about for a moment but then started to shake and fell to the bottom dead.
"Now" he asked "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
"That's easy," replied Joe. "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:42:56 AM | Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" ) | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:50:11 AM | Arriving Home Drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" | |
|
| what did you learn over the weekend
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:35:49 AM | Two old guys at Walmart:
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 35 yrs old, tall, with red hair,blue
eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Who gives a shit--- let's just look for yours. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/13/2006 9:37:47 PM | Laws of Life
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and
then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of
the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your
tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and
just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing,
you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food
that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market
is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave
work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/13/2006 11:02:59 PM | Ok so I read this joke somewhere on here.....I think it was posted on a different forum...so here goes....Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand only? So she can moan with the other one.............. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/13/2006 11:16:12 PM | A Greek and an Italian met one sunny afternoon in Greece and shared a glass of wine.
The Greek couldn't help bragging about his rich cultural heritage.
"We Greeks built the Parthenon," he said proudly.
The Italian answered, "We Italians built the Colliseum and the Sistine Chapel."
The Greek, unfazed, said, "We Greeks gave the world Alexander the Great, Socrates and Plato."
The Italian said, "We Italians gave the world Michaelangelo, DaVinci and Gallileo."
Somewhat frustrated, the Greek said, "Yes, but we Greeks gave the world sex."
To which the Italian calmly replied, "True, but we Italians introduced it to women..." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2006 1:27:58 AM | The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
> >
> > 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
> I
> > may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact,
> just
> > f-k off and leave me alone.
> >
> > 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
> flat
> > tyre.
> >
> > 3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
> > neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
> >
> > 4. S-ex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
> >
> > 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
> promoted.
> >
> > 6. No one is listening until you fa-rt.
> >
> > 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
> >
> > 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
> >
> > 9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
> > couple of mortgage payments.
> >
> > 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
> > That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
> > shoes.
> >
> > 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
> >
> > 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
> and
> > he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
> >
> > 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
> probably
> > worth it.
> >
> > 14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
> >
> > 15. Don't worry; it only seems kin-ky the first time.
> >
> > 16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
> > bad judgment.
> >
> > 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
> > back in your pocket.
> >
> > 18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
> >
> > 19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
> it
> > holds the universe together.
> >
> > 20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
> >
> > 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
> moving.
> >
> > 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
> | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2006 12:19:29 PM | THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
*************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
*************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
*************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
*************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
*************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife --
Marrying you screwed up my life.
*************************
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
*************************
My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*************************
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
*************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime! | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2006 4:23:11 PM | You all just keep topping yourselves! This thread just gets better and better every day.
This is my favorite for today:
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
I *have* to use that somewhere!!! LOL!
 | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 6:16:12 AM | A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 6:23:27 AM | Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 2:44:47 PM | Where the Driver is from:
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male.
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male.
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female.
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado.
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um."
Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2006 6:32:47 PM | WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/16/2006 12:12:10 AM | Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-Hung.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, ten inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
Improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch. | |
|
|
| Page 18 of 74
|
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44 |
|
Home
login 
