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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/16/2006 6:03:47 AM | A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine ... " | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/16/2006 6:51:42 AM | One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/16/2006 7:27:34 AM | An interensting penis study not to offend anyone in Germany, Great Britian or my Canadian boys!
Years ago, Great Britian funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. he study took two years and cost over $100,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason that the head of the penis is larger than the shaft was to provide more pleasure to the man during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced the British results were wrong so three years of research and over $250,000 later they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger to provide a woman with more pleasure during sex.
Well when those results were published the crazy Canucks decided to conduct their own study to test that of Britian and Germany.
So after three weeks of study and around $75 bucks the Canadian study was complete and came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
have a great day all! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/16/2006 9:10:05 AM | LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email Address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Date: Friday, October 13, 2004 Subject: I have Arrived! Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS ...... Sure is freaking hot down here!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/16/2006 8:46:34 PM | A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened."
"Yeah it did," he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife?
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out!"
"What about your friend?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/16/2006 10:34:45 PM | A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the guy and
says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop? | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 457 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/16/2006 10:53:38 PM | It was the night of the fancy dress party
The theme was emotions
Man and woman turned up wearing Red and Green
Hostess most impressed, Rage and Jealousy etc etc
Two Black men turn up naked except for a pear on ones dick and a bowl of custard on the others
Hostess, horrified, says "what are you supposed to be?"
Well Mam I am fucking disgusted, and he's fucking dispair | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/17/2006 5:34:15 PM | Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What
are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big
hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your f*!#**g cat." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/18/2006 1:16:45 AM | Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex
* Is it in yet?
* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
* Do I have to pay for this?
* You look better in the dark.
* I think that goes in the other hole...
* Hey! My mom has that same bra...
* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
* Hurry up, the game is about to start.
* ZzZzZz
* Are you trying to be funny?
* Can I have a ride home after this?
* Are those real?
* Is that smell coming from you?
* Haven't you ever done this before?
* Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
* You're so much like your sister....
* Your mom is really cute.
* What's your name again?
* Do I have to be here in the morning?
* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
* But you just started!
* Don't touch that!
* Smile for the camera, honey!
* Get your hand out of there!
* I knew you wore a padded bra!
* Cover me boys, I'm going in!
* Hold on, let me change the channel...
* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
* Stop breathing...you're fogging up the wind-shield.
* Stop interrupting me!
* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.
* God, I wish you were a real woman.
* Why can't you ever shave your legs?
* How much do I owe you?
* How come we each have a penis?
* Just use your finger, its bigger.
* Does your family have to watch?
* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
* Get off me, I'll do it myself!
* Can you hold this sandwich for me?
* Watch...my mom taught me this...
* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
* Should I ask why you're bleeding?
* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
* I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
* You wanted me to use a condom?
* Fire in the hole!
* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
* You don't sweat much for a fat chick
* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/18/2006 8:34:32 PM | Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of
David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the
beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they
would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
***********************************************************************************
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
***********************************************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
***********************************************************************************
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
***********************************************************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that
her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are
white?"
***********************************************************************************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
***********************************************************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,
class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet aint empty."
***********************************************************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/19/2006 1:49:53 PM | The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as
dictated by physicians...
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and
then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall
to the floor.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr.
Blank to dispose of him.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three
days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/19/2006 7:36:27 PM | Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"
Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/19/2006 8:34:42 PM | | a guy walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.he sits down and has a drink by a very pretty lady sitting at the bar.curiosity got the best of the lady and she ask the guy why he had a frog on his shoulder.the guy looks at her and says well this is a very special frog who i have trained to make a women climax with his toungue.the lady looks at him like he is crazy but the guy says its true.then the lady says your telling me that this frog can make a women climax by going down on her with his toungue.the guy replies yes and anytime you want an orgasm just let me know and i will let you use the frog.well the lady has a few more drinks and her hormones start to remind her that she has not had any in awhile so she turns to the guy and says ok ive gotta see if this frog can do that.they go out to the ladies car and in the back seat she pulls up her dress and the guy places the frog down between her legs.the guy then says ok now go to work little guy,the frog just sits there.the guy says to the frog ok do it make this lady cum.the frog just sits there.after a minute of this the guy looks at the frog and say ok ok i will show how to do this one more time. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/19/2006 10:17:39 PM | I'm not sure if this is real, but it's funny nonetheless.
----------------
"This is an actual letter of resignation from an employee at
Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss. His boss apparently resigned
very soon afterwards!"
Dear Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a
few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct
superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground
squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-
workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can
only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of
our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every
little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll
into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network
computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide
amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly
simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also
never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and
explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as
effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You
walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault
in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that
may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually
have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping
their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world
of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you
getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender
my resignation; however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is
illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to
hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends
randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you
honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I
know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list",
which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your
useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not
usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to
erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice to say I
have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure
you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending
the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use
a spell check please. I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of
recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.
One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted
repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with
your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
with all that free time!
Sincerely
Darryl Brewer | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/20/2006 6:22:37 AM | New Dentures
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "Well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/20/2006 6:24:14 AM | Painless Birth
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/20/2006 6:34:23 AM | A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry.
A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.
Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but
straight down.
VADER: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
VADER: No... I am your father!
LUKE: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
VADER: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
LUKE: NO!
VADER: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
LUKE: Threepio?
VADER: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
LUKE: No...
VADER: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
LUKE: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
VADER: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
LUKE: Well, it's not my fault...
VADER: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
LUKE: Shut up...
VADER: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
LUKE: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.
VADER: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here!
LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
VADER: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
VADER looks after him.
VADER: Get a haircut! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/21/2006 7:15:50 PM | POLITICS
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/21/2006 10:08:55 PM | Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,he laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."
**********************(SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
*********************(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
******************** (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
******************** (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) : The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2006 6:20:47 AM | WOMEN ARE EVIL - PART III
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2006 6:27:03 AM | A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2006 8:01:40 AM | The Retirement Home
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They
met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked
Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.
Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they
were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was
lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin , I'd have been
more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2006 5:32:02 PM | Sporting chance
Finishing his ploughing run early one evening, a farmer heads home – hoping to spend time with his gorgeous young wife. But, upon entering the farmhouse, he hears panting and moaning coming from the bedroom. Furious, he grabs his 12-bore shotgun, edges his way upstairs and inches the bedroom door open. There, sure enough, is his young farmhand, pumping away on top of his wife. Enraged, the farmer bursts in waving his shotgun. His wife screams and runs away in panic – leaving the terrified farmhand, shaking on his knees, in the middle of the floor. The farmer presses his gun at the lad's testicles. ‘Boy!’ he barks, ‘I'm going to blow these off. Anything to say?’ ‘Please!’ stutters the young buck. ‘Give me a chance!’ The farmer narrows his eyes. ‘Okay,’ he snarls. ‘Swing 'em.’ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2006 7:03:38 PM | Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this
handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one
word from each of the three columns below, and preface it
with the word "Thou":
|___Column_1___|____Columm_2____|____Column_3____|
| artless | base-court | apple-john |
| bawdy | bat-fowling | baggage |
| beslubbering | beef-witted | barnacle |
| bootless | beetle-headed | bladder |
| churlish | boil-brained | boar-pig |
| coc*kered | clapper-clawed | bugbear |
| clouted | clay-brained | bum-bailey |
| craven | common-kissing | canker-blossom |
| currish | crook-pated | clack-dish |
| dankish | dismal-dreaming| clotpole |
| dissembling | dizzy-eyed | coxcomb |
| droning | doghearted | codpiece |
| errant | dread-bolted | death-token |
| fawning | earth-vexing | dewberry |
| fobbing | elf-skinned | flap-dragon |
| froward | fat-kidneyed | flax-wench |
| frothy | fen-sucked | flirt-gill |
| gleeking | flap-mouthed | foot-licker |
| goatish | fly-bitten | fustilarian |
| gorbellied | folly-fallen | giglet |
| impertinent | fool-born | gudgeon |
| infectious | full-gorged | haggard |
| jarring | guts-griping | harpy |
| loggerheaded | half-faced | hedge-pig |
| lumpish | hasty-witted | horn-beast |
| mammering | hedge-born | hugger-mugger |
| mangled | hell-hated | joithead |
| mewling | idle-headed | lewdster |
| paunchy | ill-breeding | lout |
| pribbling | ill-nurtured | maggot-pie |
| puking | knotty-pated | malt-worm |
| puny | milk-livered | mammet |
| qualling | motley-minded | measle |
| rank | onion-eyed | minnow |
| reeky | plume-plucked | miscreant |
| roguish | pottle-deep | moldwarp |
| ruttish | pox-marked | mumble-news |
| saucy | reeling-ripe | nut-hook |
| spleeny | rough-hewn | pigeon-egg |
| spongy | rude-growing | pignut |
| surly | rump-fed | puttock |
| tottering | shard-borne | pumpion |
| unmuzzled | sheep-biting | ratsbane |
| vain | spur-galled | scut |
| venomed | swag-bellied | skainsmate |
| villainous | tardy-gaited | strumpet |
| warped | tickle-brained | varlet |
| wayward | toad-spotted | vassal |
| weedy | unchin-snouted | whey-face |
| yeasty | weather-bitten | wagtail | | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/24/2006 7:48:00 AM | THEY WALK AMONG US
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingm! an, KS.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?
Yep..From Kansas City!
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge.
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
! ______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctive! ly tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE!!! | |
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