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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/24/2006 2:25:30 PM | The population of Canada is 30 million. 11 million are retired, that leaves
19 million to do the work. 5.5 million In school, this leaves 13.5 million
to do the work. Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work. 1 million are in the armed
forces, preoccupied with killing terrorists, which leaves 9.5 million to do
the
work.
Take from that total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and City
Governments and that leave 2.5 million to do the work. At any given time,
there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment Insurance
and Welfare. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice.
Real nice | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/24/2006 3:17:55 PM | | A Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer. The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said. The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?" The Doberman says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/24/2006 3:18:10 PM | A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/25/2006 7:15:27 PM | i have a story for you guys its called A SWEET ASS STORY; it was another payday and i was tired of mr. goodbar. i saw miss hershey standing behind the powerhouse on the corner of clark and fifth avenue when i whipped out my whopper and whispered, hey sweetheart, how"d you like to crunch on my big hunk for a million dollar bar? well, she immediately went down on my tootsie roll, and it was like pure almond joy! i couldn"t help but grab her delicious mounds because it was easy to see that this little twix had the red hots. it was all i could do to hold the snickers and crackle as my butterfinger went up her tight little kitkat and she started to scream, oh henry oh henry!! soon she was fondling my peter pan and my zag nuts and i knew it wouldn"t be long before i blew my milk duds clear to mars that gave her a taste of the old milky way. she asked me if i was into m&m but i said, hey chicklet, no kinky stuff. i said, look you little reeses pieces, dont be a zero be a lifesaver, why dont you take my whatchamacallit and slip it up your bit o honey? ( what a piece of juicy fruit she was too) she screamed, oh crackerjack, better then the three musketeers!! as i rammed my ding dong up her rocky road and into her peanut butter cup. well i was giving it to her good-n-plenty, when all of the sudden....my starburst, yeah as luck would have it she started to grow chunky and complained of a wrigley in her stomach. and sure enough 9 months later out popped? BABY RUTH!!!!! is anybody hungry for a candy bar now? LOL LOL | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/26/2006 2:24:05 AM | Sixth Sense In Women
Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces.
That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the
shower! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:34:42 AM | 12-Step Internet Recovery Program
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and
plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.
7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the
Internet.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if
it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:48:06 AM | i will join an I.R.S.G. (internet recovery support group)
located at www. ... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:50:35 AM | Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and
said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says
ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half
an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
>>>> > She said "THE **stard USED COINS!!!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:42:52 AM | You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
11. No movie. Don't need one.
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:47:48 AM | A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?
You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:52:45 PM | A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:53:45 PM | A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great..some ***hole's got my pen". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:54:29 PM | A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have that much money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother,"
The man arched an eyebrow (as you might expect), "Anything?", he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed him.
"Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.
"Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead...take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead..."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...
"Hello, Mom...can you hear me?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 3:52:05 PM | A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office
and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat
around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw
and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home
and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots
drenched in hotsauce,10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with chocolate exlax.
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/27/2006 10:40:36 PM | a man tells his wife, of 40 yrs, one day
" i have never made love to you"
the wife replies "of course you have, PLENTY"
the man: " well, not with my ' self ' , i have always
used a DEVICE.
'WHAT!!!' SCREAMS the wife
you have been using 'something-EVERYtime?...
you had BETTER explain yourself!
the husband: i'll explain THAT, right after YOU explain the CHILDREN! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:07:27 AM | FREE HAIRCUTS
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:09:02 AM | KIDS AT THE WEDDING
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 6:18:12 AM | Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was delicious!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 11:34:53 AM | "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great, but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well...you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 2:06:45 PM | A MAN IS LIKE THE TRAIN
At 20 years hes like the local
it stops at every station
At 30 years he is like the special
it stops only at the large towns
At 40 years he is like the express
it stops at the big cities only
At 50 he is like the old locomotive
it stops oftend to water
At 60 he doesnt leave any more
it remains in the yard
...............................................................................................
A WOMAN IS LIKE THE WORLD
At 20 she is like africa
semi explored
At 30 she is like india
warm mature and mysterious
At 40 she is like america
technically perfect
At 50 she is like europe
all in ruins
At 60 she is like siberia
everyone know where it is but ....... no one wants to go there | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 2:35:42 PM | A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. They quietly take a table and as the bartender walks to them, a priest, a rabbi and a minister walk in. The bartender takes the ladie's order and as he's heading to the clergymen's table, a midget walks in with a duck under his arm and takes a seat. Before you know it, in walks a Britt, an American and a Canadian, followed by a guy with a 9" man on his shoulder. The bartender stops... looks around... and yells "HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!!. IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?!?!?!!!
hehe...OHH YEAHHH!
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Chris. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 2:48:24 PM | Here's a couple more
1. A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
2. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 4:15:11 PM | A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
"Who?"
"Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros."
"He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
"Sounds like he was something really special"
"There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer."
"Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
"Wow, some man about town then"
"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams; not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Mmm, there's not many like him around."
"And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
"Well, I never actually met Frank."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his $&$^$^$$# widow." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 4:38:23 PM | A man walks into a tattoo parlor and gets a $100 bill tattooed on his schlong. After its done the artist asks why. The guy replies, "Well I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and if the old lady wants to blow a hundred bucks, she doesnt even have to leave the house."  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 9:59:46 PM | Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck. | |
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