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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2006 10:01:50 PM | It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as
she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That's a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a **** to iron." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/1/2006 4:43:46 PM | No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 3:48:06 PM | The Joy Of Irish Sex
THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish
aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his
mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride".
His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her
with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me hole then love?"
The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic
smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever **** off!!!".
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at
his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches
the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the
back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant
"Here we go, here we go, here we go"
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8
incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very
tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of
encouragement such as "Ye useless **stard, ye" or possibly "It
never happens to the Milkman".
Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his
wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth
round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to
her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then",
she says "but don't disturb me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the
man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may
suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh ****, I've shot
me load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for
disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments
such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever
come across.
An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the
woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite,
arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting
away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.
The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes
she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?
" Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm.
This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big
Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep,
and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world
performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom
of sex. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 6:17:14 PM | Poor couple
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on."
The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?"
The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 7:18:21 PM | A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 7:18:55 PM | There are three girls in a bar bragging to each other how loose there pussies are.
One says "Mine is so loose that my boyfiend can get his whole fist in"
Second one says "Mine is loose enough that my boyfriend can get both his fists in"
The Third one laughs and slides down the bar stool. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 9:40:46 PM | Stupid...
Three businessmen were sitting in a bar,
drinking and discussing how stupid their
wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
Last week she went to the supermarket and
bought $300 worth of meat because it was
on sale and we don't even have a fridge big
enough to keep it in."
The second agrees that she sounds pretty
thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last
week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a
new car," he laments. "She doesn't even know
how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and
agrees that these two woman sound like they
both walked through the stupid forest and got
hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.
"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her
packing her bags and she must have put about
100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 9:57:55 PM | A woman walks into her home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"
"Oh really!?" he replies. "Well should I pack for someplace tropical or maybe winter gear for skiing?"
The woman replies, "I don't care where you go, just get the hell out!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 11:03:05 PM | Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking
through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits
are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2006 11:04:06 PM | You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:
* Any part of your chair is painted camo.
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as
decoration.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
Double points if you don't care that it sucks your batteries dry
so long as the beer stays cold.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a
**** to put on and you can't walk anyway.
* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
* You installed a gun rack on back.
* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer
tap, or similar.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have huge knobby mud tires installed.
* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a
truck or hog.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars
and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to
your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing
or battery compartment of the chair.
* You, while in your chair, ever made any roadkill.
* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair
does.
* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your
chair.
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as
you sit.
* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever
got caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are
going to start making wheelchairs.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to
hang fuzzy dice from your chair.
* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if
the livestock was bigger or heavier than you!
* You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a
highway patrol cruiser while in your chair.
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance
plan.
* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you
thought it might help pick up chicks.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point,
"now that's a good idea!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2006 6:00:24 AM | A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've DEFINITELY pooped in my pants." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2006 6:03:28 AM | A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2006 1:40:10 PM | Zipper Down
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase
that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he
was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He
zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally
got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks
door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached
the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a
soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said
"No! No I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting
on a couple of old duffel bags. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:26:30 AM | Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a
sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?"
he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a
dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna
blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the
bed!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 2:24:17 AM | 1. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
3. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:18:23 AM | 'slides down the barstool'
o my word BRAZEN-only YOU
sorry i cant contribute a funny
laughing TOO TOO hard
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:35:25 AM | My wife left me...
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses and I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day, when she came home from grocery shopping, I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:38:34 AM | 2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Ok BraZen, I couldn't even say this sober! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:46:48 AM | (breathes a sigh of relief unto his Scottish colours)
I mean DAYUM.
...poor Irishmen...
hee hee hee
~W.S. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:43:26 PM | Thank god I am alone at work, cause the whole zipper thing make me cackle out loud! I love this thread!  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:45:45 PM | A Japanese couple just got married and was on their honeymoon. After hours of making love, the wife got out of bed and bent over to pick her new husbands shorts off the floor. She released a very loud fart. She turned to him and smiled.
"Oh, so sowwy. Front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud."
| |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 10:19:08 PM | Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again.."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass.  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:31:51 PM | Quote :
You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass.
Damn , I just turned senile at a ripe old age of 39....LOL
OT- not all are funny ...here goes a list of 50 interesting facts :-
1) If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your
right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on
your left side
2) If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For
when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4) Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there
is a thin film of bacteria on it.
5) The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning
'the best or nothing'.
6) The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7) The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a
person looks at something pleasing.
8) The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less
sleep a night.
9) Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the
immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
10) The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear
is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the
veins in the ear.
11) Dalmatians are born without spots.
12) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
13) The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus',
but for 'and' (in civil proceedings) or 'against' (in criminal proceedings)
14) Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts
have the buttons on the left
15) The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All
other birds raise their lower eyelids
16) The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been
digested by a bee
17) Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks
18) The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to
release calming hormones
19) Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die
20) Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for
your heart
21) The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate
22) When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red
23) When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red
24) The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and
used a tomato can for a carburetor
25) The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney
26) Google is actually the common name for a number with a million
zeros
27) Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag
of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan
28) It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to
make a film about it
29) The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes
dimples
30) There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower
31) The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually
the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting
32) Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death
33) It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the
whole body
34) The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets
35) Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game
36) The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the
cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air
37) Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are
born, and 140,000 people die
38) In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch
is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and
make it look like it is smiling.)
39) Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish
speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang
yourself."
40) The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its
head are the rabbit and the parrot
41) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
42) The average person laughs 13 times a day
43) Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:
Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no
evil)
44) Women blink nearly twice as much as men
45) German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of
dog
46) Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump
47) Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster
than the speed of sound
48) Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs,
all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death
49) If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front
leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural cause.
50) The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to
squirt blood 30 feet!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 12:52:06 AM | Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised," the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!" | |
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