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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 12:53:21 AM | I don't know why, but I've always liked this joke. lol
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 6:33:50 AM | "The Headache"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a
new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size
44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business
60years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit
perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The
salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe
was
surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been In the business
60 years.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said,
"Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you
one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 9:11:09 AM | AFFAIRS
A married man was having an affair with his
>>>secretary.
>>> One day they went to her place and made love
>>>all afternoon.
>>> Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8
>>>PM.
>>> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to
>>>take his shoes
>>> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>>> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>>>
>>> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>>> "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm
>>>having an affair with my secretary.
>>>
>>> We had sex all afternoon."
>>>
>>> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>>>
>>> "You lying **stard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
>>>
>>> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
>>>daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to
>>>try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>>> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy
>>>baby boy.
>>> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see
>>>his new son.
>>>
>>> He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
>>>ever seen.
>>>
>>> He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
>>>father of this baby.
>>>
>>> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>>>
>>> Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>>>
>>> The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this
>>>time!"
The 3rd Affair
>>>
>>> A woman was in bed with her lover when she
>>>heard her husband opening the front door.
>>> "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She
>>>rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>>>"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a
>>>statue."
>>> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he
>>>entered the room.
>>> "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths
>>>bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
>>> No more was said, not even when they went to
>>>bed.
>>> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the
>>>kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said
>>>to the statue,'' Have this. I stood like that for two days at
>>>the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair
>>>
>>> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
>>>ordered a beer.
>>>
>>> "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>>> "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>>>
>>> He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for
>>>a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
>>> "A nickel," the barman replied.
>>>
>>> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy
>>>who owns this place?"
>>>
>>> The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my
>>>wife."
>>>
>>> The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with
>>>your wife?"
>>> The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm
>>>doing to his business down here."
The 5h
>>>Affair
>>>
>>> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>>>
>>> He looked up and said weakly: "I have something
>>>I must confess."
>>> "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
>>>
>>> "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
>>>
>>> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>>>her best friend, and your mother!"
>>> "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let
>>>the poison work." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 12:07:31 PM | ^^ HAHA Awesome!
A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.
"Second wish," said the Chief.
"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.
The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.
"This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."
"I'll need my horse again."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.
"I said POSSE!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 1:24:42 PM | Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 4:48:15 PM | Jeff Foxworthy & Ontario
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping
that the food will swim by, you live in Ontario.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in Ontario.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the
year, you live in Ontario.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you live in Ontario.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Ontario.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Ontario.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ONTARIAN:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Toronto for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back
again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Toronto ...
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Ontario friends | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:06:43 PM | What Sexually transmitted deseases do birds Get?
Chirpies.....it's a canarial desease with no tweetment | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 1:46:24 AM | The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband
Brave, Intelligent, Gentle
Polite, Energetic, Nutty, Industrious, Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 1:47:51 AM | Two men are talking:
"I met a fairy yesterday. She told me she could give me longer
penis or more memory."
"And what did you choose?"
"I can't remember." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 1:48:07 AM | Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas
for the convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 5:50:21 AM | ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
................. 3?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.! And keep them occupied
for several minutes..! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 1:58:50 PM | Interesting Psychological Fact...
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If
she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies in this area have
been canceled. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 4:50:41 PM | I can agree with that last one, vivienne......do you think thats why I'm still single? 
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 4:52:12 PM | Sorry, I didnt post the whole joke.....guess that helps!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 4:54:03 PM | There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, " Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 5:10:51 PM | For all your Family Guy lovers out there.
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2006 5:13:05 PM | These are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 6:54:22 AM | An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
Gotta love the Irish. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 2:31:02 PM | The Birds & the Bees, 21st century style
The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad says: Ah, my
son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 3:51:20 PM | THE WEST VIRGINIA THREE KICK RULE
A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said,” Apparently you’re don’t know how we do things in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this with the West Virginia Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the West Virginia Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up,
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”
(I love this part.)
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.” | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 7:20:12 PM | A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own f...ng blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 7:21:40 PM | Some guy is speeding over a bridge and at the bottom of the bridge is a cop with a radar gun who pulls the man over.
" im gonna have to give you a big fine for excessive speeding. why are you in such a hurry anyways?"
"im late for work" replies the man
"what is it that you do?" asks the cop.
"im a rectum stretcher"
the cop asks "a rectum stretcher?! what the hells that?"
"well, first i put one finger into the rectum, then 2, then 3, then 4, then i put my whole hand in. after that i put in my other hand, and stretch the rectum 1 foot, then 2, then 3, then keep stretching up to 6 feet."
then the cop asks "what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ***hole?"
to which the man replies " you give him a radar gun and put him at the bottom of a bridge" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 7:29:43 PM | >A soldier was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
>there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In
>the letter she explained that she had slept with two
>guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break
>up with him. AND, she wanted all the pictures of
>herself back.
>
>So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
>do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
>the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then
>mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and
>without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
>"I don't remember which one you are. Please keep
>your picture and send the rest back | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/8/2006 8:48:35 PM | Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have
combined to market the new Mint flavored birth
control pill that women may take immediately before
sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug
store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're
going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 1:20:00 AM | There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time
of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into
an iceberg and begins to sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but
our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using
every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns
his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the
sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-
mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks
up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is
there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on
my shirt?"
"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt
and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she
says.
"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets
off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the
island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!" | |
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