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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 6:22:53 AM | These three doctors from Arkansas are playing golf and comparing stories.
The first one says, "I'm the best surgeon in the world. I had a concert pianist who cut off seven of his fingers. I reattached them and three months later he played a concert for the Quenn of England."
The second one quickly griped "That's nothing, I had a man who lost both of his legs and one arm in an auto accident. I reattached them and two years later he won the olympic decathlon."
The third doctor chuckled and said "You guys are amateurs. I once had a blonde woman ride a horse head-on into a train travelling at 80 miles per hour. All that was recovered were the womans blonde hair and the horses ass, but I worked with them and today she is a senator from NEW YORK." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 6:34:01 AM | It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 7:41:57 AM | A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 11:22:04 AM | Medical Alert - Newest Medications
St. M o m's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
[Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.]
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 11:23:26 AM | Latest terms to add to your vocabulary for the 21st century office environment:
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
And on an unrelated note : Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sven, my ... um ... friend." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 2:17:55 PM | A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bltch had $500 in quarters." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 4:07:33 PM | A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoooyouuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab**** offfff?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2006 4:10:16 PM | A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number
for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and sh**s all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:11:50 AM | A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:14:24 AM | Married Life
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before getting to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out "so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY!" and she acts like she is asleep every time. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2006 7:24:01 PM | Repeat after me:
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I don't forward an e-mail.
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e- mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE
POST CARDS, or GET-WELL-CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately
after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending
things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC
to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and
send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full
moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/11/2006 3:25:11 AM | A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of
their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We
visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of
the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's
mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he
looked at me and quietly said... 'That's once.'" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/11/2006 3:26:26 AM | Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,
"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,
"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/11/2006 3:28:04 AM | A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"
The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.
The Judge says," OK".
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."
The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/11/2006 3:31:58 AM | | NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University." The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/11/2006 3:34:34 AM | The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams.
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A:Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2006 3:33:30 AM | THINGS YOU LEARN AS YOU "MATURE"
· I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can
do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
· I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are
just ***holes.
· I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
· I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge
boobs.
· I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
· I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think
you're finished.
· I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.
· I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
· I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones who do.
· I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because
their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
· I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your
children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the
local paper.
· I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2006 10:19:01 PM | I grabbed this off a friend's blog. Thought I should share with you all.
------------
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone
gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick
contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2006 10:38:32 PM | A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a
menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it
and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says,
"That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with
broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks maybe the
blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the
next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The
blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this
fork around your crotch before I take it to the blind man." Mary
complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I
already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/13/2006 11:28:13 AM | "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his plane." Author Unknown.
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." Unknown.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman.
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld.
"Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mum. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/13/2006 6:11:00 PM | A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnnne, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk..aaand rrunns bby bbaatteries ?
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowwwtttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab**** offff?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 6:05:53 AM | A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat? | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 1:18:34 PM | The Cremated Husband!
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said,
"Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? .....
.....Here it comes! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 4:12:47 PM | What's the difference between an Elephant and residents of Tennessee
One is fat, has only two teeth, and smells really bad
The other lives in a zoo | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2006 6:56:46 PM | Senior Moments
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
------------
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,
but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover
rather than the big shit he always was."
---------
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her,
so the captain sent the old man back to shore
with the promise that he would notify him
as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally
the old man got a fax from the boat's captain.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you,
we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and
attached to her butt was an oyster
and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .
please advise."
The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
---------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who had recently passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a funeral is held, and at the end of it,
the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
---------
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady
sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning
and then gets up and makes me
pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch
and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me
a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert
and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
--------
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time.....
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"
---------
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference. | |
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