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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/15/2006 12:11:56 AM | The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.
He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said,
"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them".
The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said,
"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".
This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.
He'd had it with this kid so he says to him,
"I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"
The boy replied, "No, but his would make two of yours". | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 6:30:46 AM | If Men Got Pregnant
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 6:57:32 AM | Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!!!” | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 8:45:05 AM | Subject: Frozen to death.
Two women were new arrivals at the pearly gates and comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: "I froze to death."
2nd woman: "How horrible."
1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV."
1st woman: "So what happened?"
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched down in the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st woman: "That's really quite tragic. Of course, if you had looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 9:33:19 AM | Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The ****!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want me to do?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his****off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 9:36:01 AM | A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.
She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet.
She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fcuking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 11:10:25 AM | Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she is in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 11:11:23 AM | A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 3:48:15 PM | The Little Girl Builder
You gotta love the humor that children provide to us!
"Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..."
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay-check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those a--holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f-----g sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 7:19:02 PM | Need to Fit a Camel
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 7:55:46 PM | An assortment of things to make you smile
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your livingroom, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize thath you had set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.
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Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
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They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty... do it and die."
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My mind not only wonders, it sometimes leaves completely.
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The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
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The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
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Amazing!! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
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Sometimes I think I understand everything...
then I regain consciousness.
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/16/2006 9:35:22 PM | Banking:
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and repeat as many times as required to align car window with the ATM machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate bank card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.
10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN# is written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN written on the inside of the back page.
11. Enter PIN into ATM machine .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 6:09:35 AM | New Disease
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 6:14:13 AM | Leaving Work Early
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 6:29:19 AM | COIN TRICK
A father walks into a coffee shop with his son. His son is clutching a shiny, brand new quarter. As the man begins to drink his coffee, his son falls to the floor and his face has turned blue. Right away the man knows that his son has swallowed the quarter. Frantically, the man starts yelling for help. With all the commotion, a well dressed, professional woman looks over the top of her paper. She neatly folds the paper and calmly makes her way over to the boy. As she bends over the boys body, she removes his pants. She then grabbs his testicals and starts twisting, gently at first, then more and more vigorously. Soon, the boys body convulses and he coughs up the quarter. The woman catches the quarter in her free hand, gives it to the father, releases the boys testicals and calmly walks back to her seat. After the man makes sure his son is alright, he makes his way over to the womans table. The man says, "I have never seen anything like that, are you a doctor"? The woman smiles and says, "No sir, a divorce attorney". | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 7:28:10 AM | A man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!!!", he demanded.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my!", exclaimed the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 11:18:41 AM | Gas Joke
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?" The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you FART?" | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 4:21:30 PM | Words Women Use:
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU! | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 5:04:23 PM | THE OTHER STALL!.....
>This could happen to you. >> >>I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall >>saying: >> >>"Hi, how are you?" >> >>I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I >>don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, >> >>"Doin' just fine!" >> >>And the other person says: >> >>"So what are you up to?" >> >>What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is >>too bizarre so I say: >> >>"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" >> >>At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I >>hear another question. >> >>"Can I come over?" >> >>Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could >>just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them >>,"No........I'm a little busy right >>now!!!" >> >>Then I hear the person say nervously... >> >>"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other >>stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!" >>
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 7:07:53 PM | CAUTION. The following joke is vile and disgusting. If you have a weak stomach, turn back now. You have been warned.
One day a leper walks into a restaurraunt. He goes up to the counter, and before seating himself, turns to the guy next to him and says "Hello. I know my appearance is pretty disgusting, so if it bothers you, tell me and I can go elsewhere." The guy next to him says "No, it doesn't bother me that much, sit down and eat." so the leper sits down and orders.
The guy next to him gets his soup, eats it, looks over at the leper and proceeds to barf it all up again. The leper jumps up and say "Look, it really doesn't bother me, I'll head out now, enjoy your meal". The guy says "No, it's not you,sit down". Mollified, the leper sits down again.
Next, the guy gets his steak, eats it, looks over at the leper and again barfs it all up. The leper jumps up again and says "That's it, I'm leaving now". Once again, the guy says "No, it's not you, sit down". The leper sits down again, somewhat warily.
The guy proceeds to get his desert, eats it, looks over at the leper and once again barfs it up. The leper leaps up and says "Look, I ruined your meal, here's $20, get yourself another one, and I'll leave so you can eat it in peace". The guy says to him "I tell you, it's not you. It's the guy behind you, dipping his toast into your back". | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 9:08:58 PM | Now that was gross!
Why did the leper fail his driving lesson? He left his foot on the brake What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 11:26:05 PM | Dogs vs. Cats
Entries in a Dog's diary:
7 a.m. - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 a.m. - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My favorite! 9 a.m. - Oh Boy! The kids! My Favorite! Noon - Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favorite! 2 p.m. - Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favorite! 3 p.m. - Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favorite! 4 p.m. - Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favorite! 6 p.m. - Oh Boy! Welcome Home Mom! My Favorite! 7 p.m. - Oh Boy! Welcome Home Dad! My Favorite! 8 p.m. - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite! 9 p.m. - Oh Boy! Tummy Rubs on the Couch! My Favorite! 11 p.m. - Oh Boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My Favorite!
Entries in the Cat's Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try and strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm! Not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time. | |
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longte
| Joined: 10/18/2004 Msg: 598 | |
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 11:39:38 PM | One afternoon, a Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves and both of their barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like." | |
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longte
| Joined: 10/18/2004 Msg: 599 | |
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 11:40:42 PM | Pickle Slicer
This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer. The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. “But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband. | |
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longte
| Joined: 10/18/2004 Msg: 600 | |
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 3/17/2006 11:45:52 PM | Which Would You Rather Operate On?
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
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