|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/18/2006 10:59:34 AM | An engaged man goes over to his future sister-in-law's house a week before the wedding because she said she needed him to fix her drain.
The sister invites him in and she is wearing nothing except for a sheer pink slip. "After next week, you will be married to my sister, and I will never have a chance to make love to you. I am going to go upstairs into my bed, and if you are interested you will follow. If you aren't you can leave with no hard feelings." She says and promptly walks up the stairs with her fantastic @$$ wiggling about.
The man immediately turns around and heads for the door. When he opens it his fiance, and future mother and father in law are standing there. "You have made us very proud, son. I knew you were perfect for my daughter. You have my blessing to marry her next week."
Moral of the story? Keep your condoms in the car. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/18/2006 12:19:49 PM | These are couplets taken from a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second...
After you, my love, my only prize Would be a bullet between my eyes
Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you're not
I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space
I saw your face as you walked by but then I saw a better guy
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt, If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"
Look at those eyes, look at that face, good God, someone, hand me my mace!
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/18/2006 2:14:52 PM | THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
----------
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
-----------
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
----------
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick
up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
-----------
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
-----------
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
----------
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
----------
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
----------
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
----------
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!
------------
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/18/2006 5:00:16 PM | ^^^^LOL! I heard that a while back and it is SOOO true!!! I know this from experience! and one more thing that can added is their baby books.. My first childs is full from beginning to end - my last one doesn't even have one!!- poor him!  | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/19/2006 2:44:35 AM | | a mailman was putting the mail in the door slot when the door swings open a hot looking blonde wearing nothing but a lace teddy grabs him.she then grabs his coller and leads him to the bedroom where in no time at all she has him naked.she makes mad love to him for what seem like hours to the guy.after the session was over and the mailman was getting dressed the blonde reaches over kisses him and puts a dollar in his shirt pocket.whats this fore he ask,oh its from my husband.i ask him if we should get the mailman anything for christmas and he said screw him give him a dollar. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:18:23 AM | Ponderings
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:40:42 AM | First Time Skydiver
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:44:24 AM | Designer Condoms - Company Slogans:
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1 | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:52:52 AM | Hammer Heads
Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and I throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 6:54:50 AM | The Blonde and the Snow Plow
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2006 9:11:54 AM | A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2006 7:44:18 AM | We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. | |
|
Gremmy
|
Joined: 5/28/2005
Msg: 613 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2006 8:31:25 AM | While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were
discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I
hate being married to a smart ass. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2006 10:37:50 AM | A couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Yeah...fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/29/2006 10:57:38 AM | Joke for dog lovers
To the people I know who love dogs.
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny
at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check
stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my
nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you
know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top
of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then
acting surprised when I freak out every time we go
back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that
handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the
fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know
who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your
poop do you ??? | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/29/2006 12:54:42 PM | Why does a dog lick himself?
Because he can. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:59:19 PM | Rooster Story
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."?
Moral of this story? ....?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/1/2006 1:44:06 PM | old lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Oops!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right
into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the
bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By theway,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2006 10:33:44 AM | ^^^^ Ouch! That hurts! It's also very funny...
Reminds me of the young lady (guess this goes on the blonde joke thread) who had been a
waittress, then went to work in a hospital's circumcision ward.
After all, tips are good, and there's a chance to get a head. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2006 1:03:13 PM | A man is sitting in his living room watching a football game, and suddenly hears a knock on the door.
He opens it, and notices a snail on his doorstep. The snail looks up at him and says " Hi, can I have a few minutes of your time ? "
He bends down, grabs the snail and throws it far into his backyard - and goes back to watching the game.
Three years later, he is sitting there in his living room when he hears another knock on his door.
He opens it, and the snail yells " WHAT THE #%^&$%# WAS THAT ABOUT !!!!!! " | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2006 3:22:01 PM | Billy Bob and Becky Sue watched and waved goodbye as Ma and Pa took the buckboard wagon into town for supplies and disappeared from view.
As soon as they were gone, Billy Bob turned to his sister and said, "C'mon, Becky Sue, let's go have us some fun in the hay!"
"Nuh-uh," said Becky Sue, "I ain't goin' in no barn with you."
"Aww, c'mon, Becky Sue! It'll be fun! Yer gonna like it."
"Nope. I ain't goin' nowhere with you. Ma told me never to do nuthin' like that with you."
Billy Bob kept pestering Becky Sue, and finally she gave in, and they went in the barn and had a roll in the hay.
Afterwards, Billy Bob leaned back with some straw between his teeth, and relaxed with his arms behind his head. Then he looked over and said, "Well, whaddaya say now, Becky Sue? Was that good or what?"
Becky Sue thought a moment, and said, "Well, yeahhhh, that was good..... In fact, I'd say
you wuz even better than Pa!"
"Ha ha! I knew it!" said Billy Bob. "That's what Ma always sez, too!" | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 622 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2006 4:52:34 PM | Silent Battle With The Pope
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch." | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 623 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2006 7:18:41 PM | Jesus, Are You There?
A drunk stumbles along to a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:05:35 AM | Lost Dr. Seuss Poem?
I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day.
I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job-I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2006 11:30:11 AM | I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that **** knows I'm smarter than her. | |
|
|
| Page 25 of 76
|
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51 |
|
Home
login 
