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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2006 3:20:50 PM | ha ha ha! ^^^
I'd call that "tit for tat" !! a good one!
(women like to say, "Well now at least you're letting the big head do the thinking for the little one" or something like that, meaning you've realized you're just not getting any, anytime soon) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:08:08 PM | Thai Masculinity Ceremony
In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reach
the age of 18, they participate in a ceremony as follows:
They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward.
A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle.
Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl.
As soon as all the males are excited and have erections,
the girls behind them reach through their legs, pull their
erect penises downward, and then release them.
Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP" against
their bellies.... a measurement of strength of masculinity.
And that's why the Capital of Thailand is called
Bangkok. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2006 3:15:11 PM | | Ouch! (is there something against a one word post here? not registering yet... ) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2006 8:36:42 PM | The Discussion in Bed
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/9/2006 5:49:44 AM | The Catholic and the Blonde....
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped
into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only
to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was, apparently, not
going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you
lend it to, and for how long?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 1:19:59 AM | Awwwwwwww thanks for keeping my thread alive everyone. I've been so busy lately. 
---------------
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for
his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His
wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that
woman to know that you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Hey, looks like you picked up a real ****
tonight, Dave!" | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 632 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 1:55:56 AM | Knots And Ropes
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with
no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up
and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,
they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her
husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,
the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
..
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 633 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 1:57:33 AM | Redneck Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a moving picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
..
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 634 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:01:43 AM | Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and started counting on his other hand.
..
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 635 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:05:18 AM | Windows Recall
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = aw shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that WINDERS 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98
tiperiter...................A word processor
colering book...............a graphics program
addin mershene..............calculator
outhouse paper .............notepad
jupe-box....................CD Player
inner-net...................Microsoft Explorer
pichers.....................A graphics viewer
IRS.........................M/S accounting software
IRS2........................M/S accounting software
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:52:02 PM | Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud
as he typed.....
P...
E...
N....
I...
S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ** | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/10/2006 3:07:37 PM | Seniors Dress Code
Many of us 'Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
Speedos and cellulite
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least... my personal favorite
Thongs and Depends | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/13/2006 4:06:14 PM | NEW STUDY:
Women's ass size
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
asses!
The results are pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good
man, and they would have married him anyway. | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 639 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:53:50 PM | Heroic Act
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?" | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 640 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:55:09 PM | English Lessons
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike." | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 641 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/13/2006 10:00:14 PM | The Photographer
The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/13/2006 10:16:11 PM | | longte, that ^^^^ is great! loved every minute of it! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/14/2006 9:05:00 PM | I got this in my email from leafslady!
Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!
Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? Because he was eggo-centric!
Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbit's feet
What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.
What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!
What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.
How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!
Just some fun little jokes!
Have a Happy Easter!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/15/2006 2:39:33 AM | A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterward****ail with
her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely
sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could
not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for
staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100,
on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young
man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from
her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she
pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She
looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said: "Clean
my house" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/15/2006 2:40:27 AM | Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put
his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive
young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
wearing a robe.
Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation
with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite
obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the
door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.
Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my
best feature?"
The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat
several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your
ears!"
Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these
breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My
buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look
at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would
you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,
"Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was
me." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/15/2006 11:35:12 AM | ^^^^ ha ha ha! those are too good, BraZen!
The last one reminds me of this --
Girl goes up to a guy in a social gathering.
She -- "Wow! You smell terrific! What have you got on?"
He --- "I've got a hard-on. But I didn't know you could smell it." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/18/2006 4:35:22 PM | Sunday Sex
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely
play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid
do it." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/19/2006 7:43:41 PM | Male Mammogram
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.
" With that the bartender opens the door to looks in and says...
"You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/20/2006 4:41:45 PM | THE MOUNTIE & THE SASKATCHEWAN FARMER
A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Saskatchewan farmer driving down
the back roads.
She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will
be held against you".
"Tits", replied the farmer. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/23/2006 8:24:57 AM | Did you know this about vodka?
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid! tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me . I've only been drinking the stuff!!! | |
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