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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/23/2006 11:06:08 AM | Corporate Lessons 1 - 5
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a
care in the world" Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/24/2006 1:43:10 AM | A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 653 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/24/2006 2:13:04 AM | Brazen, Please let me be a patient at that hospital
Big Game Hunter
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
..
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/24/2006 1:21:00 PM | A NY City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped right beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of
it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yup, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/24/2006 9:19:15 PM | Jessie Jackson Dies and like many political figures of the past is sent to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gate and says to him, "we have some over crowding and because there are many other politicians down here already, I am going to give you three choices to pick from for your eternal damnation."
The devil opens us the first room and there is Ted Kennedy in a river diving down swimming underwater trying to save this bimbo, struggling to get back to the surface, gasping for air. Then he starts the whole process again and again and again.
Jessies says, " I can't swim very well. I just don't think this is for me."
THe second room shows Al Gore on a mountainside with a sledge hammer breaking rocks one after another over and over and over and over. Jessies says, " that looks like a lot of work, I just don't think I want to do that for eternity."
The third room has Bill CLinton leaning back, smoking a cigar, just moaning up a storm and Monica Lawinskie doing what she does best. Jessie watches this for a while and finally says to the devil, " I think I can stand to do this for a while .... I think this will work."
THe devil says to Jessie, "great you can start right now". . . " okay then, Monica you can leave now."
---Robert  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/25/2006 10:22:41 PM | A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck
and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the
beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular
evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm
from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to
health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to
their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red
sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings"
again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave
in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in
her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/26/2006 3:28:40 PM | An employer was having a few financial set backs and came to the conclusion that he was going to have to lay off someone.
All of his employees were very good so he was having a very difficult time deciding which person it was going to be. Finally he narrowed it down to two employees in which he needed to pick one. Their names were Jack and Jill. Both were very good workers so he decided that the first one to go to the drinking fountain would be the one that he would lay off. He waited paitiently for quite some time when finally Jill comes walking over to the drinking fountain with a couple aspirins in her hand.
The employer says, "Jill,I have a problem and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off" she quickly responds saying, " your're going to have to jack-off cause I have a head-ache" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/26/2006 11:11:52 PM | ^^^ a better version of that one was posted one day earlier, see thread called
"workplace joke" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/26/2006 11:15:10 PM | Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/26/2006 11:15:58 PM | A classic but still worth posting...
---------------
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb
and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you,
how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding
there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
be alive." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/26/2006 11:17:12 PM | A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before
her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news;
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know….. She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked::::::::::::"Will I get away with it?
| |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/27/2006 8:19:21 PM | Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he
accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he
got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said
"Let's have da fingers and I'll see
what I can do. Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."
What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?
Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2004! We's got microsurgery and
all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back
onand made you like new!
Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
Johnny says ... (Are you ready for this?????)
Remember this is a Newfie ..
How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?? | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 663 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/27/2006 8:36:13 PM | | Hi VI..I think he is the lead character on the Fox show '24'..ie: Kiefer Sutherland...Apparently, he can kick Chuck Norris' **s..LMAO | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/27/2006 10:05:51 PM | A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a
horse and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or
female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her
mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK,
what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks
up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget,
shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase
that. I would like to thee the horth run." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/28/2006 3:04:03 PM | A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for
His birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very
expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't
Want to spend a fortune.
"well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They Say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proved, but we've sold 30 of them this
month," he said,
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if
it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was
extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy,
thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of
Pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing
Sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
Frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your, Ass is gone." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/29/2006 12:10:23 AM | NEW MALE SURVIVOR SERIES:
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark
Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will
be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each
of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or
dance class), and no access to fast food.
They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving
at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project,
cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. Oh, and
they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus
they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must
apply themselves either while driving or while making six
lunches.
The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA
meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a
sick child at 3:00 a.m; making an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old
to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off. The winner gets to go back to his job | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/29/2006 12:12:20 AM | Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be
the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian." | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 668 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/29/2006 7:45:00 AM | "A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend."
That is priceless..Where do you get all these?..LMAO | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 669 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/29/2006 7:50:52 AM | | Why do farts smell??...It's for the hearing impaired.. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/30/2006 5:57:03 AM | **POINT SYSTEM FOR MEN**
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something
she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a simple guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
- You make the bed (+1)
- You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow (0)
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-2)
- You go out and buy her what she wants... (+5)
- ...in the rain (+8)
- ...but return with beer (-5)
- You check out a suspicious noise at night... (+1)
- ...it's nothing (0)
- ...it's something (+5)
- ...you pummel that "something" with an iron rod (+10)
- ...that "something" is her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy... (-2)
- ...named Tina (-10)
- ...Tina is a dancer (-20)
- ...Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
- You take her out to dinner (+2)
- ...it's not a sports bar (+3)
- ...it's a sports bar (-2)
- ...and it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
- ...it's a sports bar, all-you-can-eat night and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-20)
A NIGHT OUT
- You take her to a movie (+1)
- You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
- ...it's called "Death Cop" (-3)
- ...you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and big
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and say "It doesn't matter, you have
one too" (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
- She asks "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
- You hesitate in responding (-10)
- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
- You listen for over 10 minutes (+50)
- You listen for more than 10 minutes without glancing at the TV (+500)
- ...she realizes your head hasn't moved because you've fallen asleep
(-4000)
SEE HOW SIMPLE THIS IS??!? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/30/2006 6:14:17 AM | How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 10:15:00 AM | A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:
"Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:19:29 PM | On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.
Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,
"What in the world are these?"
"Aspirin," he replies.
"But I don't have a headache," says she.
"GOTCHA!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:20:23 PM | A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head
in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head." | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 675 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:33:06 PM | Redneck's Birth Control
A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother". | |
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