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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 676 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:34:27 PM | Australian Virgin
A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.
On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."
When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.
"Why did you do that?" she asked.
"Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"... | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 677 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:36:22 PM | The Way To Heaven
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
.... | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 678 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:14:10 AM | Legal Dispute
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/4/2006 8:24:18 PM | Long-married couple
A long-married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled;
"It really works!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:19:31 PM | A very sick man is in the hospital, taking many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where they land on a drunk who is staggering home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, and asks what’s the commotion.
"I don't know, officer," the drunk says. "But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:19:56 PM | There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:20:26 PM | A man walks into a bar with his dog. He sits down, and the dog plops onto the stool beside him. The man says, "Give me a shot of whiskey, and Fred here will have a beer."
The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy, that dog can't be in here."
Man says, "But Fred's special. He can talk. Show him, Fred."
So the dog says, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender isn't convinced. "Look, buddy, I don't know what kind of ventriloquist act you're pulling here, but that dog can't stay."
The man says, "Ok, look: I'll go in the bathroom and close the door. Fred, you then order a beer. This will prove it."
Guy goes to the bathroom, closes the door, and Fred looks at the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer."
"Wow," the bartender says, "this is awesome. You can talk! Hey, I want you to do something for me. Take this $ 20 bill, run across the street to Sam's bar and order a beer. It will freak him out!"
So Fred takes the $20 bill in his mouth and heads out the door. Guy comes out of the bathroom, says, "Where's Fred?" The bartender tells him what he did, and the man says, "Oh, no!" and rushes out the door. Once outside, he finds Fred in a side alley, humping a female dog for all she's worth.
"Fred," he yells, "what's gotten into you? You've never done this before!"
Fred looks up and says, "That's cause I never had $ 20 before." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:20:49 PM | A man goes to prison. The first night, after lights out at 9 p.m. he hears other prisoners yelling out numbers followed by laughter. The next day he asks the man next to him at mealtime for the story.
His meal-mate replies, "Well, 9 o’clock is too early for grown men to go to sleep, so we tell jokes. But it takes too long to tell a whole joke and the guards would catch us. To overcome this the cons have all memorized a joke book in the library called 'The World's 100 Funniest Jokes.' Then we just yell out the numbers."
The new inmate likes this idea, so he memorizes the book. He picks three he thinks are funny and awaits his turn. When he gets a chance one night, he yells out a number. Nobody laughs. He tries again. Nobody laughs. A third time. Same result.
The next day he asks his meal-mate why no one laughed. His meal-mate responds, "Well, you know...some guys can tell a joke...and some guys can't." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:21:14 PM | A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:21:36 PM | A hotshot young lawyer gets his first BMW and decides to show off to his associates by parking in front of the firm where they can all see. As he starts to get out, a truck speeds by and takes the car door right off. A couple of co-workers see this and come running to his aid. As they approach, he is still sitting there crying "My brand new BMW!"
One of the co-workers looks down and says, "Forget about the car, do you know your arm is missing, too?"
"Oh no," he screams. "My Rolex!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:22:02 PM | A trucker is driving through Nevada and decides to stop at the Chicken Ranch. He goes into the office and walks up to the madam and gives her $500 and says, "I want the ****iest whore you have and a bologna sandwich on stale bread."
The madam says, "For $500 you can have Mary over there, the sweetest girl in the place, and I'll cook you the best steak dinner you’ve ever had."
"Thanks but no," says the truck driver. "I'm homesick, not horny." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:22:26 PM | A young man named Vito is sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him says, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Vito says, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asks, "Well, did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"
"No, he minded his own ****ing business." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:22:54 PM | | A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:23:13 PM | A blonde lady calls her boyfriend and asks him to come over and help her put together a puzzle that she is having trouble with. He asks her what the puzzle was supposed to be and she says, "A tiger, I think."
The boyfriend comes over and takes a look at the table where the puzzle is spread out. He says, "Honey, why don't you go get us some coffee and I’ll start putting the Frosted Flakes back in the box..." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:23:34 PM | One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:30:09 PM | Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Polish joke. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, I’m Polish. And see those two big guys over there? They’re Polish. And those two policemen eating lunch? They're Polish, too. Now, wise guy, you still want to tell your joke?"
The guy says, "Heck no, not if I have to tell it five times!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:30:32 PM | The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills. He said that if they blindfolded him, he could recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, after locating the bullet hole, could even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said he was willing to prove it if the other patrons would put up the drinks. So the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and said, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and fell asleep. The next morning he saw in the mirror that he had a huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties and yelled, ‘Skunk. Killed with an axe.’” | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:30:53 PM | Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings. A man engages the speakerphone and begins talking. The other guys end up listening.
MAN: Hello.
WOMAN: Honey it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I'm at the mall now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1000… Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $90,000.
MAN: For that price I want it with all the options!
WOMAN: Great! And one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000!
MAN: Well then go ahead and give them an offer for $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It's clearly a pretty good price.
WOMAN: OK, I'll see later! I love you so much!
MAN: Bye. I love you too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles, and says, "Anyone know whose phone this is?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:32:03 PM | Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rural rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk past cow after cow and when she finally sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dumb blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple: By the nail over its stall," Amy says.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:32:50 PM | A bartender notices that every night an Irishman orders three pints of Guinness. Finally, he asks him why he always orders three pints at a time.
The Irishman says, "I've just moved to the United States, and before I left my two brothers and I all agreed to have three pints of Guinness every night, one for each of us."
The bartender thinks this is great. The Irishman continues to come in and order his three pints every night for the next few weeks. Then one night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two pints. The bartender sees this and says, "I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your brother."
"What do you mean?"
"I noticed you only ordered two pints, instead of the normal three, one for each brother."
"Oh no, my brothers are fine," the Irishman says. "I just gave up drinking." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:33:10 PM | A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a good-looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
"Hi there, good looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said:
"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding!" said the man. "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:33:29 PM | A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched by his memory. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years’?"
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:34:23 PM | Three priests die, go to heaven and are patiently waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives. He looks over the priests and says, "You've almost made it to Heaven. In order to pass through the Pearly Gates, I need you to tell me what Easter is."
The first priest approaches St. Peter and says, "Easter is when the whole family gets together, cooks a big meal and gives thanks for their blessings."
"I'm sorry," replies St. Peter. "But that's Thanksgiving. You're off to Hell."
The second priest approaches St. Peter and says, "Easter is when a fat man in a red suit slips down the chimney and delivers presents to all the good boys and girls."
"I'm sorry," replies St. Peter. "But that's Christmas. You're off to Hell."
Finally, the third priest approaches St. Peter and says, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus dying on the cross for us..."
"Yes, go on," says St. Peter.
"Then his body was removed from the cross and placed in a tomb," the priest says. St. Peter is growing more excited, smiling widely, encouraging the priest to continue.
"And on the third day Jesus arose and the stone was pushed away from the door. And if Jesus sees his shadow..." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:38:46 PM | | A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. As the days turn into weeks, the man, naturally, has a wicked desire to masturbate. Unfortunately, his dog follows him wherever he goes. As the weeks turn into months, the man still hasn't been able to lighten his load. Then one day a beautiful woman who has been stranded on the other side of the island approaches him. As she nears, the man begins to remove his belt. The woman says, "Just what do you think you're doing?" The man responds, "Use my belt as a leash and walk my dog... I need to jerk off." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:40:16 PM | Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter ... he can't come to you anyway. | |
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