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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:40:40 PM | A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to buy a sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 – the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
"Good Lord!" says the husband. "You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:41:06 PM | A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest; you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. The rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest; you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his cocaine, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest; you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and beats the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they ask, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little ****er makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:45:18 PM | A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:45:41 PM | A blonde driver is two hours from San Diego when she's stopped by a man whose truck has broken down.
The man walks up to her car and asks, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," says the blonde. "Need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck," the man says. "My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you 50 dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," says the blonde.
So the man ushers the two chimps into the back seat of the blonde's car and straps them in. Off they go.
Five hours later, the guy is driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he's horrified.
There is the blonde, walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes, he pulls over and runs up to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demands. "I gave you 50 dollars to take these chimps to the zoo!"
"I know," says the blonde. "But we had money left over, so we went to the movies." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:46:05 PM | A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent."
"One penny?!" exclaims the guy.
"That’s right."
So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents."
"Four cents?" says the guy. "Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!"
"He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender.
"What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy.
"Same as what I'm doing to his business." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:46:25 PM | A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving the neighborhood pub.
While viewing the bedroom, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above his bed.
"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock" the drunk answered.
"A talking clock, seriously?!" asked the astonished friend.
"Yup" answered the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the drunk answered.
He picked up a large wooden mallet that was lying alongside the bed. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT!! IT'S 10 PAST 3 IN THE MORNING!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:46:51 PM | A blind man walks into a department store with his Seeing Eye dog. The man finds his way to the middle of the store and starts swinging the dog around in the air by its leash.
A startled store clerk rushes over and say, "Umm...can I help you, sir?"
He replies, "Oh, no thank you, I’m just looking around." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:48:53 PM | A man was hiring a new administrative assistant, and decided to test the honesty of the candidates. Before each one came in, he placed a $20 bill on the floor in front of his desk where they could see it, but he couldn't.
The first candidate came in, immediately picked up the money and gave it to him. The second didn't say anything, but kept glancing at the money. The third placed her handbag by the desk, and when she left, the man discovered the money was gone too.
Which candidate did the man hire?
The one with the biggest breasts. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:49:14 PM | A guy is at the supermarket when a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.
He's taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, and he really should remember someone so beautiful. So he asks her, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my balls with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass?"
"No,” she says. “I'm your son's math teacher." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:49:32 PM | | A rabbi, a priest, a minister, a Texan and a guy with a little devil on his shoulder walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:49:53 PM | Two Canadians get bored during a long car trip and start playing 20 questions.
The first guy thinks of a moose****and tells the other to start guessing.
"Is it something you can eat?" his friend asks.
The first guy chuckles and replies, "I guess you could eat it, if you really wanted to."
The friend asks, "Is it a moose****" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:51:27 PM | A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette and looking very satisfied.
The egg looks up and says to no one in particular, "Well, there's the answer to that question!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:51:45 PM | A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they’e walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."
The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.
So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.
Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:52:10 PM | The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people: Becky or Jack. It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the next morning. Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:52:35 PM | A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.
The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and he’s actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.
The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot."
The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:54:13 PM | On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.
"Jeez," says the mailman. "This is great, but what’s with the two dollars?"
"Well," she replies, "since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘**** him — give him a couple of bucks.’ Breakfast was my idea." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:54:38 PM | A guy is driving in Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yup," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, so I decided to settle down. I had uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. And now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar - he never did any of that stuff." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:55:01 PM | Two guys are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says:
"I ****ed your mom last night, rode her for hours."
Shaking his head the other man says:
"I think you've had enough to drink, Dad." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:56:26 PM | A penguin pulls his sputtering car over at a full service station. While he is waiting he gets an ice cream from inside the station. When he comes out of the station he asks the mechanic what the trouble was.
"It looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says.
To which the penguin responds, "Oh, no it’s only ice cream." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:56:56 PM | A young couple goes up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all of the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them between my legs and I’ll warm them up."
Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Wow, honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She sighs and says, "Gee, honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:57:16 PM | | A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, you’re in luck, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Really, you've got a drink called Kevin?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:00:36 PM | A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off. After an intense night of hot sweaty sex with this sensitive guy, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:02:12 PM | Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:02:36 PM | A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive, so he got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came for the redneck’s jump. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck jumped and, a few seconds later, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed. But when he pulled his rip cord, the chute didn’t open. The instructor, frantically trying to open his parachute, plunged past the redneck. Seeing this, the redneck unbuckled the straps to his parachute, yelling, "So you wanna race, huh?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:04:56 PM | A guy is spending the holidays with his girlfriend’s family. They’re sleeping in separate bedrooms, and one night before they go off to bed the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Baby, would you give me a blowjob?"
"Are you crazy?" she says. "My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
This goes on for a minute or two when, out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down and do it himself. But for ****'s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...." | |
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| Page 29 of 74
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