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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/18/2005 9:32:49 AM | Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are
all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I
would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great
family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say 'LOOK, HE'S
MOVING!!'" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/18/2005 11:19:55 AM | | i hope that when i die, i die like my father did, peaceful and in his sleep and not like all the other people in the car. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/18/2005 3:36:03 PM | On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 12:35:38 AM | Timman... it's just a joke, go be serious in the other 50 forums. Christ.
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his****in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
^^^ How many men said owwwwwwwwwww to that one???
 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 1:52:10 AM | Q: How can you tell when your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys are at a bar. The first guy says to the second guy, "I went home for lunch today, and saw a man in bed with my wife!"
Second guy, "So, what did you do?"
First guy, "I fixed him! I threw his umbrella out of the window, and prayed for rain...." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 4:43:34 PM | John is mowing his lawn when he sees a new neighbor moving in. He stops and steps to the fence to see what the new neighbor is like. After calling him over, the new neighbor, Bob, tells says that he is a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.
John- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?
Bob- Well, lemme give you an example. I see you have a doghouse. That leads me to believe you have a dog. If you have a dog, perhaps you have children. If you have children, then I would deduce that you have a wife. By having a wife, you are enforcing that you are a heterosexual.
John- That's pretty neat!
They part ways and John goes to talk to another neighbor, Jerry, who is watching the move.
Jerry- New neighbor, huh? What's he do?
John- He's a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.
Jerry- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?
John- Lemme give you an example. Do you have a dog?
Jerry- No
John- Fag! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 5:54:41 PM | | brazen, what did i say? i'm NEVER serious! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 6:49:05 PM | | A man goes into the hospital for tests. The last one leaves his stomach very upset. He makes several false alarm trips to the bathroom, and when he feels it coming on again, he stays put. This time he has diarhia, and it gets all over the sheets. The man, not wanting to be embaraced, takes the sheets off the bed and throws them out the window. A drunk, who is walking past the hospital, has the sheets fall on top of him. He starts cursing and flailing his hands wildly until the sheets are a tangled mess on the ground. At this time a policeman, who had watched the whole thing, walks over and asks, what happened here? The drunk says, I don't know, but I think I just beat the $hit out of a ghost! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 7:29:56 PM | | A man dies and goes to heaven, and is met at the pearly gates by St Peter. Peter says, 'Welcome to heaven. Go ahead and look around while I process your paperwork, and if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them.' The man has a look around, likes what he sees. He sees famous celebreties, people he has known, family members that have passed on also. He is having a great time observing all of the goings on. When he makes it back to Peter, he says, "I only have one question. As I was wandering around, I noticed a man with a stethescope". "If there is no sickness or pain in heaven, why do we need a Doctor?" St Peter says, "That's not a Doctor, that's God. He sometimes likes to pretend he's a Doctor". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 9:39:06 PM | Its not exactly a joke but its pretty funny.
I cdnuolt bleiee taht I cluod aulacity uesdnanrd what I was rdanieg. The phoanmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deson't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat lttteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 1:14:48 PM | @Timman
I obviously didn't read that right, looks like I'm in need of a spanking. hahah My apologies.
---------------------------------------------------
MOM (DAD) - Job Description
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma (Father, Dad, Dada, Daddy, Da)
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,
must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero
to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously
sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you
play your cards right. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 6:12:25 PM | WHAT IS MARRIAGE ? (humour)
> >>
> >>1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
> >>
> >>2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution
> >>for the blind.
> >>
> >>3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree
> >>and the woman gets her masters.
> >>
> >>4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and
> >>suffering.
> >>
> >>5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
> >> In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
> >> In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
> >> In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
> >> You order what you want, and when you see what the other person
> has,you
> >> wish you had ordered that instead.
> >>
> >>7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
> >> Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
> >>
> >>8. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't
know
> >> his wife until he marries her.
> >> Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
> >>
> >>9. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
> >>
> >>10. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,it is
> >> love; after marriage it is self-defense.
> >>
> >>11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
10-year
> >> married man looks happy, we wonder why.
> >>
> >>12. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in
> >>Europe.
> >>
> >>13. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They
> just
> >> can't face each other, but still they stay together.
> >>
> >>14. Before marriage , a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After the
> >>marriage he "Y" becomes silent.
> >>
> >>15. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only
> >>seems longer.
> >>
> >>16. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of
> >> one thing - either the car is new or the wife is. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 6:29:17 PM | @brazen
appology accepted. now get ready for your spanking!
this couple gets married and are spending their first night in bed together. it was very tense, as each laid in bed looking straight ahead. finally, the woman brakes the ice and says, if you ever want to have sex with me, pull on my tit 1 time and if you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my tit 2 times. the man looks at her and says o.k., but if you ever want to have sex with me, pull on my d1ck 1 time and if you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my d1ck 125 times. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 7:31:27 PM | This just in from the CDC (Center for Disease Control):
Symptoms of the Bird Flu
Fever
Achiness
Chills
Vomiting
The undeniable urge to sh!t on someone's windsheild | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 8:07:16 PM | If you wake up in the morning and find mucus seeping out of your "bird"
dont panic its not bird flu........
Just a wet dream | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 9:06:41 PM | | on christmas eve a farmer hears a loud crash outside his house and goes out to check it out.out by the barn he see's a sleigh with several reindeer crashed into the side of his old outhouse.he runs over to see if santa was ok and just when he gets to santa's side,santa's raises up and yells toward the front of the sleigh."rudolph you idiot i said the smit house the smit house" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 4:56:39 PM | This is a great thread!
An old man comes in from a hard day at work and finds his way to his favorite chair.
His old wife who is sitting in her chair gets up, walks over to him and slaps the sh.it out
of him. "What's that for", he asks rubbing his cheek. " That's for 40 years of lousy sex" she
says.
She walks back over to her chair. He sits there and thinks about it for a minute. He then gets up, walks over to her and slaps the living sh.it out of her. "What's that for, she asks.
He says "That's for knowing the difference". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 6:50:23 PM | 5 Kinds of Sex:
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room..... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 7:14:27 PM | Geez yet another why oh whyyyyyyyyyy did you block me?  Asking in a public thread just exemplifies why I did it. Yikes, that's just plain creepy.
-------------------------
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Everytime time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife finally decided she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night in the middle of hot, screaming wild sex, she got up and turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device.....a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one.
She went completely nuts, screaming "YOU IMPOTENT **stard!" She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly; "I'll explain the toy.....you explain the kids." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 7:40:02 PM | | Brazen, change that picture, PLEASE. we want to see boobie. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 7:55:11 PM | what is the difference between dark and hard
it stays dark all night | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/22/2005 11:04:24 PM | Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their modest cottage.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There’s just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I must have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath?"
"That’s not a problem," replies Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replies Doris.
"Good," says the model. "That being settled, I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully went to his darts match whilst Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath and Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris’ staring eyes, smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave her delicates, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It’s true, I tell you!" says Doris. "Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains and points towards the model’s naked ****. Then she lifts up her skirt and, wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" Doris asks Fred.
"Aye," he replies. "I’ve never seen nuttin' like it in all me life. But why did yer lift up *yer* skirt and show *yer* hairy twat??"
"Just to show you the difference, Dear," answers Doris. "But anyway, you’ve seen me without me knickers thousands of times...!"
"Yes," says Fred. "I have...but the rest of the foocking darts team haven’t, have they???" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/22/2005 11:42:15 PM | LOL Timman... I would, but apparently it gives people the wrong impression. ~sigh~
The secret to a happy marriage to find a woman that cooks and
cleans. It's also important to find a woman that earns good
money. And it's important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
It's very important that these three women never meet. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/22/2005 11:45:29 PM | A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items
in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a
large empty jam jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks
about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jam jar
was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,
rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the
students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The
students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is
your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, your children - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be
full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small
stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for
the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention
to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner
out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." Take care of
the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students
and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a
glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is,
there is always room for a BEER. | |
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| Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/23/2005 7:00:50 AM | A farmer has three sons.
One day his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor, and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy, but he did understand the situation, and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later his second son (10 yrs. old) approaches him wanting a new two wheel bicycle.
Well he gets the same excuse.... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..... "
A few days later son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again Ol' dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you, to deserve that!"
The little boy looks dad square in the eye, and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
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