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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:05:19 PM | An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:05:38 PM | A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: one small box of detergent, one bar of soap, three individual servings of yogurt, two oranges, and one stick of women’s deodorant. She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single.
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're ****ing ugly! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:06:05 PM | CHILD: Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
MOTHER: Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:06:56 PM | The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:07:15 PM | Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three ***holes and they were all on fire!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:07:35 PM | | Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the ****ing bed." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:07:55 PM | A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:08:32 PM | The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:09:14 PM | A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:09:43 PM | If a blonde and a brunette were to jump off the top of a building together, which one would hit the ground first?
The brunette – because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:10:32 PM | A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go check in aisle 4."
In aisle 4 the guy finds a woman named Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk asks him what size. Embarassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:12:07 PM | A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/6/2006 10:32:26 AM | Brokeback bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay
bar.
What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's
the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.
All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
Tell me the name of your Willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE,
for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping
on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back
and Says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you
guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,
FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you
Driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a
Rock!'" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour
the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2006 7:36:34 AM | 9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat ittoo". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus andsomeone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2006 11:03:06 AM | Oh those poor Newfies!
Joe is sitting on a train across from a big titty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt on the bus from Cornerbrook to Gander, Newfoundland.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my ****?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the **** blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder **** can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
Joe stares in amazement as the **** winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Sweet Jayzus, My Dear! You mean the little ****er can WHISTLE?"-
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/10/2006 3:46:11 PM | Water Vs. Wine
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words,
we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Doo Doo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be
full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/11/2006 3:55:19 PM | Big Bad Wolf
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. "
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you **** off, I'm trying to shit!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/12/2006 6:46:41 PM | I went fishing last week, And I caught two mermaids and one smelt  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2006 7:20:50 PM | It seems that the bible got creation all wrong...it was actually
Eve that God created first.
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit. "How is
everything, Eve?" he asked.
"It is all so beautiful God, the sunrises and sunsets are breath
taking, the smells, the grandeur...just so wonderful, but I have
this problem with these three breasts of mine. Like the middle
one pushes out the other two and I am constantly catching them on
branches and it is basically a nuisance!" reported Eve.
God replied, "Well that is a good point, hey it is my first shot
at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just
figured half it, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up
right away!"
So God reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of
there and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God
once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, how is my favorite creation?" he asked.
"Just fantastic!" she replied. "But for one small oversight on
your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has
her ram, and the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate
except for me, and I feel very alone here."
"Oh my! You're so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do
need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
Now let's see... Where did I leave that useless tit?" | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 745 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2006 9:33:47 PM | Top Ten Dirty Lawyer Sayings
The top ten things that sound dirty in law
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2006 10:29:08 PM | A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."
"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
$200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after
the police smell your fingers." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/18/2006 7:37:16 PM | A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to
See the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the
Pillow. It was addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
Read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
Writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend
Because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so
Nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all
Her piercing, tattoos,her tight motorcycle clothes and
Because she is so much older than I am but it's not only
The passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are
Going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods
And has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
Really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it
With the other people in the commune for all the cocaine
And ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure
For AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to
Take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to
Visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's
House. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
Things in life than the report card that's in my desk
Drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/18/2006 11:39:19 PM | Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After Brokeback Mountain.
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/19/2006 9:45:22 AM | ^^^^ "You better smile when you say that."
"Say, you ever been hung before?"
"He was hangin' an' swingin'."
"You really look like a horse's ass. Mmmm, smell nice like one, too."
"What have I got on? I've got a hard-on. I didn't know you could smell it."
"Let's get some leather and strop this razor."
"He likes to pull himself by his boots."
"She struts around like she was Puss in Boots."
"He'll be down shortly. He's just feelin' his oats."
"Hey, wanna hep sow some wild oats?"
"That ram might butt you. But don't get your hopes up too high."
"There are so many rats on this ranch, I guess we'll just have to pick up some more p_ussy." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/20/2006 4:08:22 AM | Daily Affirmations for the Unstable
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not
nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh
at.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them | |
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