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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/24/2006 4:39:26 PM | I got these in an email today... too funny.
# Chuck Norris was the original choice to play the lead role in the movie, "Boys Don't Cry". Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 9 guys blowing 8 guys.
# As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time.
# Chuck Norris has no friends on Myspace. Not Even Tom. (This one made me howl.)
# If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.
# Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
# Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel... and got absolutely ****ed up.
# Chuck Norris tried counting to infinity backwards - but didn't know where to start.
# Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie.
# Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop.
# Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because of their potency, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
# When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now.
# Michael J. Fox didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so he just told the world that he had Parkinson's.
# When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply asked "How many sex scenes?"
# Chuck Norris' mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris' ego survived. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/25/2006 6:28:18 PM | Horseback Riding A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... ...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/27/2006 9:58:58 AM | | man.. one of the best threads I've read.... | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/28/2006 4:29:13 PM | MYSTERY
Can you solve these 4 mysteries? Read carefully, the clues are so blatant you'll kick yourself if you miss them.
Mystery 1 A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis: The Wife said she was sleeping. The Cook was cooking breakfast. The Gardener was picking vegetables. The Maid was getting the mail. The Butler was cleaning the closet. The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?
Mystery 2 A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader. How did he do this?
Mystery 3 Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward." The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?
Question 4 If you touch me, you will die,! but you can only live without me. I am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest. What am I?
Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.
Think carefully, the clues are.....
Keep on scrolling down.
Would you be a good investigator?
OK you're almost there
Did you solve the mysteries yet?
ANSWERS:
1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on Sunday.
2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
3. Frost forms on the inside of the window, not the outside. So, Mr.Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Tidy`s body.
4. Death | |
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bobby7
| Joined: 3/22/2006 Msg: 755 | |
| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/28/2006 6:48:04 PM | | Good one..and I got three..must have eaten smart food today..lol | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/28/2006 9:13:01 PM | An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his heart out. a young man approaches and says "what's the matter, Pops, can I help you?" the old man says, "i've got a beautiful wife who's 34, she makes passionate love with me every day,keeps my house for me and helps me run my business". "then why are you crying. asked the young man. "Because, I can't remember where i live!, said the old man. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/28/2006 10:21:16 PM | Grandma's Letter:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/29/2006 6:40:07 PM | | whats black and blue and doesn't like to ****? The guy in the trunk of my car | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/30/2006 8:15:40 AM | George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a Little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?" | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/30/2006 8:29:17 AM | ^^^^Stanley is trying out his new lead boots in the river, just like so many others that we'll never know about. good joke | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/30/2006 11:16:15 PM | Man the jokes I've been getting in my email have been sucking lately. But this one made me laugh out loud.
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Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his facialexpression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!" | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/31/2006 9:09:34 AM | One day there was a man sitting on the beach, tanning in the nude. A little girl was walking towards him, so he covered himself with a newspaper. She asked,"Hey Mister, whats that you got under that there newspaper?" He didn't know what to say so he told her it was a birdie. She asked,"Mister, can I pet your birdie?" He quickly replied no and sent her on her merry way. Sometime later that day, he awoke in an emergency room in extreme pain. The police were there to question him and asked him what he remembered. He said," I don't know...I was laying on the beach and this little girl came along and I sent her on her way. I passed out and woke up here." The police went back to the beach and found the little girl. They asked her what had happened. She said,"Well I wanted to play with his birdie, but it spit at me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."
HAHAHAHAHHAH! I love that one! | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/31/2006 3:24:39 PM | BEER, FISHING, SEX & HOCKEY A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hockey equipment instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played hockey in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, hockey, and sex." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 5/31/2006 4:15:11 PM | Skill test
OT, possibly
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force has used this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try!! (AND NO IT ISN'T A SCARE TRICK) http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/1/2006 6:49:39 AM | A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/1/2006 6:50:13 AM | It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out.
He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.
He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask,
"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/1/2006 10:20:58 AM | Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell c0ck in the air". The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/2/2006 1:54:29 PM | The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL : Women are evil
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/3/2006 4:29:40 AM | I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/3/2006 11:04:30 PM | Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply bat her eyelashes and pretend to be innocently looking for a "friend", or "a shoulder to cry on" and in doing this she successfully entices him home with her, and then proceeds to continue on with this charade until she has him exactly where she wants him...with her head on his shoulder and his arms around her. All the while, the unsuspecting male victim does not realize that he is like a fly in a spider's web. This familiar scam is known as "The Damsel In Distress".
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to either sleep with horrific looking women with whom they would never normally be attracted, or they are induced into doing things they would never normally do like cheating on their wives or girlfriends.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what had happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred, or that they had just done something that they would forever feel guilty or sorry for, but not quite sure what.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, or out of their current relationships in which under normal circumstances they would never have thought twice about jeopardizing.
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "a relationship." once they have been able to get past the current wife or girlfriend. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/3/2006 11:05:20 PM | At the Welfare Office . . . . . . . . . . . . A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or his Rolls, but he'll supply all of your clothes, credit cards and money. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/3/2006 11:22:47 PM | A guy is in a bar with a few of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $500 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $500.''
The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.'' | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/4/2006 7:18:47 AM | Why is that time of the month called P.M.S?
Because Mad Cow was already taken!  | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/4/2006 10:15:24 AM | Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support : OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support : And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.... Tech support : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
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Tech support : What kind of computer do you have? Female customer : A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support : That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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Tech support : Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support : Good day. How may I help you? Male customer : Hello... I can't print. Tech support : Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer : I have problems printing in red... Tech support : Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support : What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Customer : My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support : Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support : That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
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Tech support : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support : Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support : What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape. Tech support : That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support : How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer : Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support : Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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And last but not least:....
Tech support : "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support : On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support : "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! | |
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| My Joke Thread. Posted: 6/4/2006 11:07:18 AM | | You are wrong on number three. Frost forms on the outside of the window, not the inside. You scrape the outside of your windshield not the inside! Nice try Dumbass! | |
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