|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/11/2006 10:54:28 PM | What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/11/2006 11:20:42 PM | Did you hear about the wrestler turned prostitute?
He goes by the name Bam Bam Gigolo.
Did you hear about the outlaw turned porn star?
He went from gun-slinger to cum-slinger.
When Lorena Bobbitt cut of her husband's penis, she threw it in a corn field. It was thereafter named the "Field of Creams". Legend has it that if you enter the field, you will hear a voice that declares "if u step on it, it will cum".
What is the difference between Ruben Studdard and a Boeing 747?
Ten pounds. Now, which one is heavier?
All these aging celebrities want to make sequels of their old classics. Stallone's Rocky 6 will come out in December. He will be fighting arthritis. And in 7, he will be going toe to toe with the Grim Reaper. Harrison Ford wants to make an Indy 4. I bet they will name it "Indiana Jones and the Quest for Fiber". Supposedly, he is in a wheelchair, and his assistants hand him the relics.... | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/11/2006 11:56:34 PM | Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play
racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his penis. "He's
not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the
unit.
He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he
runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member
of this club." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 5:35:24 AM | SO now we have the Brangelina baby...Shilo Pitt.
How long before she is known as Pilo Sh1tt????
Just wondering???? | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 1:04:54 PM | A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to
say 'fvcken hell' and you say 'fvcken ass', OK?"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for
breakfast.
"Aw, fvcken hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fvcken ass it won't be
Cheerios!"
 | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 1:43:33 PM | | these are good! I think I like the Pilo Shit joke best today! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 2:48:02 PM | | A woman, discovering her husband had been unfaithful to her, cuts his manhood off while he sleeps and throws it out of the bedroom window.It lands on the windscreen of a passing transit van and bounces right off. The driver turns to his mate and says, "Bloody Nora! Did you see the size of the****on that fly?" | |
|
looknc
|
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 808 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 7:05:20 PM | A man and woman decide to have their first sexual experience together in a church.
Right after they start she says to him, " I didn't know you had such a small organ."
To which he replied, " And I didn't know I'd be playing in such a big cathedral." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/12/2006 7:20:45 PM | Yes, they actually made a porno parodying those lovable ducklings from Duck Tales. It was named... too obvious. It featured Uncle Screw, and his nephews Screwy, Gooey, and Pooey (for the hardcore). | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 10:53:41 AM | this one you may have all seen but I could not stop laughing....
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Mooooooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former sl*t
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B*tch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 1:15:21 PM | How to get into Heaven
I was testing the children
in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale
and gave all my money
to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day,
mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children,
and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 4:50:07 PM | Futuristic Motel
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not,
sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve
your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman
ocated the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his
head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his
life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that
read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the
salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into
the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and
they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a
sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the
machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,
stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine
started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and
almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his member..... which now had a button sewed
on the end.
-- | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 813 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 5:35:39 PM | Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable." | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 814 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 5:41:21 PM | Bush Leadership Test
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons****Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Condoleezza Rice!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!" | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 815 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 5:42:56 PM | New classteacher asks her students to introduce themselves and to tell their hobbies.
TEACHER-"Now boys start"
1st boy-"My name is Rahul.My hobby is watching BUBBLE in the bathtub"
2nd boy-"My name is Christy.My hobby is watching BUBBLE in the bathtub"
3rd boy-"I am Rohan.My hobby is watching BUBBLE in the bathtub"
TEACHER-"It's strange that you boys are having the same hobby.O.K.Now girls start
GIRL-"MY NAME IS BUBBLE..........!!!" | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 816 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 5:45:01 PM | A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
..
. | |
|
longte
|
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 817 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/13/2006 5:48:38 PM | During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
.. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/14/2006 2:50:25 AM | London Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/14/2006 9:11:17 AM | 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. -Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. -Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) -Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). -David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) -Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife? ... NOT! -Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
ewwwwwwww #8
Well you can't argue with the good book. I've been going about this whole wife thing all wrong. Oh the enlightment. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/14/2006 10:46:00 AM | A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/15/2006 1:46:42 PM | Two men are at opposite ends of the Earth.
One is on a tightrope 90 feet in the air.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90-year-old woman.
But they both have the same thought at the same moment.
What are they both thinking???
"Don't look down!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/15/2006 2:16:24 PM | | a man with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach when suddenly 3 sexy ladies come up to him..first one says.. "ever been touched by a lady""no" he replies so she touches his bodysecond one says.. "ever been kissed by a lady""no" he replies so she kisses himthird one says... "ever been F'kd""Hell no i havent yet" he replies very excited"well you are now pal the tide is coming in" !!! | |
|
| |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/15/2006 9:07:19 PM | One day working the pearly gates St. Peter has to pee.
He sees Jesus walk by and asks him to mind the gate.
"Of course I will" says Jesus. St Peter runs off.
The next man to walk up to the gate is very old.
"You seek entry into the Kingdom of Heaven?" says Jesus.
The old man just nods.
"What was your occupation on Earth?" asks Jesus.
"I was a carpenter" says the old man.
"Did you have a family" enquires Jesus.
"well" says the old man "I had a son without
every being with a woman."
"Really, and was this son special some how"
Jesus asks with great interest.
"Well" replies the old man "He was not normal,
everything he did showed a moral"
"Did he have any defining physical features"
Jesus asks very excited now.
"Why, yes he did, he had holes in his hands and feet"
Stammering Jesus steps towards the old man,
"Father, it is me, your son!!!!!"
The old man, stares at Jesus and says
"Pinnochio!!!!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 12:30:19 AM | Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
Can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch,
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a ****.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face, Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem, expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl, a babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN, Get it, you prick?! | |
|
|
| Page 33 of 76
|
19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59 |
|
Home
login 
