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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 3:15:03 AM | This is a classic that I just had to share in case none of you have read it before.
Blow Jobs:
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick.
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probabl y best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit... don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 827 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 9:41:38 AM | Great Timing! LMAO..Ya know all the Dads will be on the net today. Talk about gettin a 'bang' for your buck..Priceless.. | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 828 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 9:41:57 AM | | Great Timing! LMAO..Ya know all the Dads will be on the net today. Talk about gettin' a 'bang' for your buck..Priceless.. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 5:43:06 PM | | ^^^ BraZen, look -- you just got a guy to come twice! | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 830 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 6:20:52 PM | BRAZEN, that was a riot!!!!!! It is sooooo true! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/18/2006 8:11:16 PM | A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says: ”Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
Having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"
The person says, "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not Canadian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks: "Are you a Canadian?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/19/2006 10:37:39 AM | Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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deb1
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Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 834 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/19/2006 4:37:27 PM | how do u catch an elephant? Di a big hole , fill it with ashes and line the top of it with peas.
When the elephant stops for a pee, kick him in the ash hole | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/19/2006 5:28:25 PM | | There are only 10 kinds of people in the world... Those that understand binary code and those that don't. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/19/2006 11:15:21 PM | Highschool Guy 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!
Highschool Guy 2: Really? My son's made me proud too. He's become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.
Highschool Guy 3: Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet.
The fourth Highschool Guy comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.
Highschool Guy 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.
Highschool Guy 1: What a shame.
Highschool Guy 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends. | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 837 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 2:08:28 AM | Twice The Size
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
..
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 838 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 2:13:44 AM | Bubba Knows Everybody
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 839 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 2:41:13 AM | Success
At age 4, success is...................not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is..................having friends.
At age 20, success is..................having sex.
At age 35, success is..................making money.
At age 70, success is..................having sex.
At age 80, success is..................having friends.
At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants.
.. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 9:46:43 PM | Vanilla Pudding Robbery
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2nd
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/20/2006 9:47:23 PM | Subject: The Hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This
sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The ****!"
He turned to the hit-man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been
mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, but he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit-man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit-man calmly, "I think I can save you
a grand here....." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/21/2006 3:36:26 PM | GAS PRICES
I went into the 7-11 gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/21/2006 6:09:02 PM | This is so true and funny.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
DO YOU KNOW ANY PEOPLE LIKE THESE????? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/21/2006 6:10:30 PM | One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the road eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you " the lawyer
said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too."
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass
is almost a foot high." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/21/2006 8:27:01 PM | LOGIC:
Two South Texas farmers, Joe and Ned, are sitting at their favorite bar,drinking beer.
Joe turns to Ned and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."
Ned thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Joe goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for
the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Joe says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll explain it to you. Do you own a weedeater?"
Joe says, "Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a
house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual.
That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Joe shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Ned at the bar.
He tells Ned about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Ned says, "What's that?"
Joe says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:40:42 PM | What did the Elephant say to the naked man?
how can you breathe through that thing? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2006 10:30:05 AM | a man went to the docters office to get a double dose of viagra.The docter told him he couldnt subscribe a double dose of viagra.
"Why not?"Asked the man.
"Because its not safe."Replied the Docter.
"But i need it really bad."The man answered.
"Well why would you need it so bad?"The Docter questioned.
The man said"Well my girl friend is coming to town friday night:The ex -wife will be here saturday night;and my wife will be here sunday.Cant you see....i need a double dose?"
The Docter finally relented,"Okay..i will give it to you on one condition..that you come in monday morning so i can check that there is no side effects...ok?"
Monday morning comes and the man walks in to the docters office with his right arm in a sling.The Docter looks at the man and asks,"what happened to you?"
The man replied,"No one showed up" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2006 2:36:10 PM | ok now this only applies where we're not getting any
at least this gets me by in the meantime
20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/27/2006 4:26:48 PM | A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my goodness! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out!" | |
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