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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/27/2006 4:34:17 PM | The Official Weedeater Annual Award goes to......
Rebecca Romejn
Why??
duhhhhh.....
Because we'd...... (guess the rest!) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2006 6:39:31 PM | A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked,
"Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied,
"Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 12:19:29 AM | A plane was flying over the desert when it went down. Everyone died except a young man. To his delight, the plane was carrying a shit load of food and water in it's cargo. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, without a soul in sight. The young man began to get horny...
One day he spotted a female camel. He told himself,"As long as it's female, it'll have to do."
But just as he was about to insert he's ***k, the camel moved. And each time it moved away, it would turn back and look at him. The young man kept trying for weeks, failing each time.
After a month of trying, a plane flew over. Thinking he'll finally be rescued, the young man waved frantically. To his dismay, the plane crashed. Everyone died except a beautiful, young girl, who was half naked and unconscious. The young man, hardly able to keep his eyes off her perfect body, took her in his arms and brought her to safety. When she came to, she turned to him and said, "Thank you for saving me. I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to. ANYTHING....". The young man delighted by what she said, replied without hesitation,
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"Help me hold the camel." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 12:28:57 AM | Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the
elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak.
Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy,
what's that?"
Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh,
that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."
A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny
grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants,
saying he has a question.
Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says,
"Daddy, what's that?"
Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?"
"Yes, she told me it was nothing."
"Well, your mom is spoiled, son." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 12:29:38 AM | TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
(Okay, 11!)
11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.
7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic
Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
shirt.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.
...and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!" | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 856 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 3:33:21 AM | What do you call a pregnant lady riding a bicycle?
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.A cyclist. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2006 1:10:56 PM | Here's one to add if it isn't already in here
You should Ideally be sitting on the toilet to read this in case of accidents....
This is soooo funny too!
You should Ideally be sitting on the toilet to read this in case of accidents....
"WAX is Not your Friend"
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Air and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart, press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax..."yeah, right") I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-hoo and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!
I'm blind! Blinded from pain!....OH MY GOD! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RRIIPP! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip...there's no hair on it! Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet...I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Hoo-hoo? Sealed shut! Butt? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off." What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right? Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain. God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom. I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub..."
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. Yeah right! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off.
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major plummet and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling from this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the****ns out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS! It works!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...
Enjoy
Randy | |
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Danimo
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Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 859 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/1/2006 12:30:50 AM | Here's one for ya
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and
I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the
test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd
grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal
and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry,
after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The
principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains
thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The
principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does
on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat
and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... | |
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vivid
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Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 861 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/2/2006 12:58:54 AM | Pre-Relationship Agreement
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following
with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party
agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases,
strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships
with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each
party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with
pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before
it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the
person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the
"matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a
"real loser" or "psycho bitch." (For definition of "real loser," see
"John DeLorean: My Story," available at most bookstores; George
Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob
Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon
Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed
past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the
following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the
first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going
out." (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are
"seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
item." Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date"
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or lover"
and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple." Under
no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little
woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable.
Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be
accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again
be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both
parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on
weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable
demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no
"rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six
weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing
in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give
up."
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of
the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3)
phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working
day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate
50% of the phone calls.
Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at
least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend,"
and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me"
from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at
least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-
five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship
progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a
week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between
their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides
will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or
roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the
morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at
her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to
respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess.") (Especially since
we tend to excel in this area!)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a
family?" and -- using archaic terminology--"Let's get married."
Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend
the other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs,
cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but
not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will
result in the other party using the "G" word . . . "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds
for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do
that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the
other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are .. . ." (Psychosis to be
filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as
the relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) At the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
personal undergarments with all due haste through an
impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other
for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
performance included), and further consent to use one
of the following nebulous terms in the description of
the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist."
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:27:29 AM | A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....
"JUST LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"
"YER ******** EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/5/2006 2:38:15 PM | Science nerd to her husband/lab partner whilst looking through microscope --
"Do these genes make me look fat?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:03:36 PM | Time for a quickie?
Quickie #1
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
Quickie # 3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army
has been looking for Herman for 51 years. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:08:16 PM | Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your****
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed **** with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/6/2006 10:58:56 AM | OMG I LMAO at this one!
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with
the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I"m in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad, we actually have fun down
here. You a drinking Man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On
Mondays that's all we do is drink, Whiskey, Tequila,
Guinness,wine coolers,diet tab,and fresca, we drink
till we throw up,and then drink some more! and we dont
worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead
anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We
get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer-no biggie,
you're already dead anyway remember?
Guy: Wow, that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble?
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps,Blackjack,
Roulette,Poker,Slots,whatever. If you go
bankrupt..you're dead anyway. What about drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You dont mean.....
Satan: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack,or smack. Smoke
a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want,you're dead,who cares?
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool
place!
Satan: You Gay?
Guy: No.
Satan: Ooooh { grimaces} You're going to hate
Fridays. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/6/2006 11:14:13 AM | A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/7/2006 2:13:36 AM | A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they
make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She
wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the
guy, by now exhausted, says:
"Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing
a flat. He goes up to the guy and says;
"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four
or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if
you'll take over for me."
The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to
go at it with the woman. He's just getting to the gravy strokes
when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my
wife until you shined the light on her." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/7/2006 12:25:58 PM | That was too funny! Now I have my drink all over my laptop! | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 870 | |
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/7/2006 1:03:57 PM | Was the night of the fancy dress ball
The theme was Emotions
First couple arrived in Red and Green
Hostess said "Wonderful, Rage and Envy"
Next couple were dressed in Pink as Love etc etc etc
Last couple arrived
Bit different this time
Both naked
One has his old fellah sticking into a pear
Other has his dipped in a bowl of Custard
Asked what they were and this was the answer
"Well I'm Deep in Despair, and he's Fucking Disgusted"
..
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:36:15 PM | I think the life cycle is all backwards:
You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get
kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you
start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until
you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready
for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on
tap,
living quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case. | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 872 | |
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/9/2006 7:25:04 PM | | That is totally priceless..Thank You... | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:29:48 AM | Mid Life Crisis
Well, it's not a mid life crisis, but here's how things worked out for
me. Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed.............. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/11/2006 11:01:30 AM | ^^^ funny!
also -- BraZen, msg 868 is the perfect joke! I love that one so much! ha ha
Simmah, msg 871 -- never heard that before, it is perfect, too -- I am borrowing it now!
some great stuff on here today! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/11/2006 2:20:50 PM | what food has recently been discovered to be responsible for putting more weight on woman than any other food?
wedding cake! | |
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