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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:12:49 PM | Shoppers Beware
"I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or COSTCO, but this may be
useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me and it could happen to you!!
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old,
well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in
the trunk.
They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag
and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs
exposed. It's impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead
ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or COSTCO. You agree and they
get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking about what they want
to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins
kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!
While this is going on, the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,
again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
I'm running out of purses...." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 6:02:06 AM | HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY,
I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN
N MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. ! ; COULD HE BE THE SAME
GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN??
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL? "YES. YES, I DID.! I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-**** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 8:57:01 AM | ^^^^^^ Ouch, burn baby, burn! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 3:35:27 PM | Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a
pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy,
me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which
Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin
Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand,"
says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy
stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has
chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with
one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin
pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my
fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will
avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, whenPaddy
again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig
has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two
fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns
which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. "I'll
tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den
we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin
tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,
Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy,
"YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND
NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"
=========================
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professordecided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably out fishing with his mates!!
===================================
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man
here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed " Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged itdown. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/12/2006 8:30:36 PM | Why our bodies change with age!
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/13/2006 5:39:06 AM | TICKLE ME ELMO
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/13/2006 10:45:55 AM | Two ladies are chatting. One says, "I don't mean to get into your personal business, but
do you and Jim have mutual orgasms?"
And the other lady says...
"Oh, it's okay to ask.... but no, I think we have State Farm.... " | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/16/2006 11:33:08 PM | I go away for a week and you all neglect my joke thread! Booooooooooo! lol
-----------------------------------------
Life Reflections
· If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
· Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
· Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That
way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
· Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
· A closed mouth gathers no feet.
· If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
· My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
· I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of my face.
· If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
· Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.
· Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
· Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
· Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
· No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/19/2006 2:45:17 PM | Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the
million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead, lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question,I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/20/2006 9:51:27 AM | HURRICANE HOOPTY
Well, it appears our African American friends have found
something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman
reputedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all
Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names
that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua,
Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like
the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street
people can understand.
I can hear it now: A Weatherman in Houston says:...
Wordup, Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on
a crotch rocket! **** be a category fo'! So, turn Off dem chitlins, grab
yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest government office
of yo FREE shit. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:03:35 AM | THE VOODOO PENI$
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd
buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her
occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Peni$!"
The husband said "The what"?
The man repeated "The Voodoo Peni$" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary
dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Peni$, door!" The peni$ rose out
of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door
shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then
the man said "Voodoo Peni$, return to box!" and the peni$ stopped and returned to the
box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been
gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Peni$. She undressed, opened the box
and said "Voodoo Peni$, my crotch". The peni$ shot to her crotch. It was absolutely
incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected
to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started
for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You
see, I've got this Voodoo Peni$ thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing
me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right...
Voodoo Peni$, my ass...!"
The rest, as they say, is history... | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/21/2006 6:30:16 PM | BLACK ROBBERS - True Story
By far the best email I've read so far....For anyone who didn't see
David Letterman's take on this:(And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
Quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
With her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"she
Told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
Already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze.
Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized
her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know
what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand
there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and
stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors As they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My
God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Heeart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what
they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms
and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on
her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us
what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a
little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to Hit
the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to
say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to
her room -A dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred
dollar bill.
The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/22/2006 2:47:37 AM | Every day Little Johnny walks home from school past a 4th grade
girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and he stops to
taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says,
"Hey Mary! See this football? Football is a boy's game and girls
can't have one!"
Little Mary runs into the house crying and tells her mother about
the encounter. Her mother immediately runs out and buys the girl
a football.
The next day, Johnny is riding home on his bike and Little Mary
shows him the football and yells, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"
Little Johnny gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike?
This is a boy's bike and girls can't have 'em!"
The next day, Johnny comes by and little Mary is riding a new
boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he immediately drops his
pants, points at his most private of private parts and says,
"You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and not even YOUR mother can
go out and buy you one!"
The next day as Johnny passes the house he asks little Mary,
"Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
She pulls up her dress and replies, "My mother told me that as
long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I
want!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/22/2006 2:48:19 AM | A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying,
I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next
to the slide on the north side of the
playground.
Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said,
How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/23/2006 11:03:11 PM | Are You a Guy?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your
Guyness Quotient
1 Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a Present it to the president of the United States.
b Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c Take it apart.
2 As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
a Innocence.
b Idealism.
c Cherry bombs.
3 When is it okay to kiss another male?
a When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4 What about hugging another male?
a If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
disease.
b If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food in
this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
(1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are
wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally
with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5 Complete this sentence:
A funeral is a good time to...
a ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
6 In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a A cat.
b A dog.
c A dog that eats cats.
7 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it
easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--
when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she
thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She
says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
a That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.
b That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.
c That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
8 Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and
the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?
a You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c Tell her what?
9 One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
to get your three children ready for school. Your first question
to her is:
a "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b "They're in school already?"
c "There are three of them?"
10 When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
b When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
with her.
11 What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a He was being tested.
b He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c He refused to ask directions.
12 What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a Democracy.
b Religion.
c Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A
real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has
Alzheimer's disease and cancer. | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 891 | |
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/23/2006 11:31:24 PM | | Is it possible to end up with a score of 25?..Or do I have to ask directions? | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/25/2006 5:25:17 PM | | that joke was real and it was winston churhills famous line | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/26/2006 7:12:04 AM | You have to Love Catholic girls....
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have
you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled
and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa!
What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it" !
-- Life Is Beautiful -- | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:30:15 PM | A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:51:42 PM | A Grandchild's Guide to Using Grandpa's Computer
Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.
Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.
Look, sir. Look, sir. read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.
First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.
And here's a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.
Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.
Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted `cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you Another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the system's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/28/2006 3:56:41 AM | You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/31/2006 12:07:37 PM | I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that
it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the black guy was
going to laugh himself into a straight jacket. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/31/2006 3:44:32 PM | The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and
tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his
commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments
passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments later: "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called
out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later - "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments.... "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you
know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/31/2006 8:29:11 PM | Will Rogers.
Thought y'all might enjoy this..............
A Great Man.. With an unusually wise sense of humor. I've always enjoyed reading his stuff...........
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/2/2006 12:26:45 PM | A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.
Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing.
This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house." | |
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