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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:45:41 AM | I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam..
His new nurse, Evelyn,took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........
Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 12:38:58 PM | A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mum fainted! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 3:29:53 PM | Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny
, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out
of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 4:11:57 PM | Thought for the day...
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked.
Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/3/2006 4:14:45 PM | Surround sound at the supermarket
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2006 7:45:08 AM | anyone no the difference between snowmen and snow women?
snowballs.......alright so it is'nt as hilarious as these others,but cute none the less!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2006 8:46:31 AM | I don't know if this one has been done, and I am at work right now so I can sift through the pages. Forgive me if you've read it already. I had to share because I really liked this one...
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,
and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2006 4:15:18 PM | Think you had a bad day!
HIPPO EATS DWARF
BANGKOK: A hippopotamus swallowed a circus dwarf in a "freak accident" in northern Thailand according to the columnist in the Pattaya Mail.
The Grapevine column reported: "A circus dwarf, nicknamed Do, died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear in the next act."
"Vets said Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex which caused her to swallow. More than 1000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realized there there had been a tragic mistake."
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TEATIME LOVE BITE
A woman almost bit off her husband's willy he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex.
In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.
She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.
Both only admitted how they received their injuries after "intensive questioning" by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania.
The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two back eyes and a broken cheek bone.
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....and finally
DENMARK: A patient broke wind while having surgury and set fire to his genitals. The 30-year-old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire. The man, who is suing the hospital said: "When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain; I can't have sex with my wife." Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said: "It was an unfortunate accident." | |
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lira
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Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 909 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2006 5:00:45 PM | 1. If you have 4 episcalpalians in a room, you will always have a fifth.( a fifth person or a fifth of liquer)
The episcapal church is known for drinking. I can tell this joke because I am episcapalian.
2. When God created man, she was only joking.
3. Insanity is heratitary, you get it from your kids. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/7/2006 6:10:24 PM | A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at
the door.
He answers the door and there's a bum asking him for a toothpick.
The barkeep gives him one and shuts the door.
After a few moments, there's another knock at the door. The
bartender opens it again to find yet another bum. Another request
for a toothpick. The bartender gives the bum one and shuts the
door again.
Because everything in jokes like this involves sets of threes,
there's a THIRD knock on the door. This time, though, the bum
only wants a straw.
"Why not a toothpick?"
"Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but all of the good stuff is
gone already!"
^^^ Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/7/2006 6:11:23 PM | Children's Books That Didn't Make It...
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:42:23 PM | >>> >>You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
>>> >>On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your
>>> >>left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
>>> >>Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse
>>> >>is unable to overtake it.
>>> >>
>>> >>Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the
>>> >>Kangaroo.
>>> >>What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
>>> >>situation?
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> If you do not know, see answer below.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/9/2006 2:18:02 PM | A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a
current photo of himself in his new
location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
nudist colony, he cuts the photo in half but
accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your
hairstyle..... It makes your nose look short."
Love, Grandma | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/10/2006 10:38:14 AM | One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud
and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of
clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his
wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that
something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/10/2006 10:39:02 AM | Two die-hard golfers, Mike & Steve, are out playing a round when
a thunderstorm comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of
lighting comes down and strikes both golfers dead.
Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to the two
men. "Sorry, but we made a mistake" says God, "it seems that it
was not your time to die. Now, I can send you back, but you have
to go back as someone different. It's just too confusing since
they already had the funerals. In fact your wives are already
dating"
After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God and
make their request
"We decided we want to go back as a couple of dykes" says Mike,
"... good looking dykes if you please" says Steve.
"That's no problem," replies God "but I must know why you guys
want to be dykes"
"Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to have sex
with woman..." says Mike,
"...plus" adds Steve " we get to play from the ladies tee." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/10/2006 11:15:17 PM | A woman finally got divorced from a rather nasty and egotistical
man. She then re-married someone whom she felt would treat her
with more love and kindness.
When her ex-husband happened to meet her on the street one day,
he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her
sarcastically,
"So, how does that new husband of yours like screwing a used
****?"
"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used
part."
-------------------------------
Ha! I had to read it twice to get it.  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/12/2006 2:40:32 AM | New drink recipe
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she
talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --
A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains;
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles ... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says:
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?
She smiles widely at him and says:
"Blow Job Revenge!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/12/2006 7:41:52 PM | GRANDPARENTS
This is priceless!
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
( this was actually reported by a teacher). ? ?
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent
their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following :
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore . They go to a building called a
wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now,
and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a
swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting
in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just
eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it
pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in t he doll house. Then I
will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 8:31:09 AM | SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least..my personal favorite
13. Thongs and Depends | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 12:17:43 PM | GOD MADE MAN.......AND THEN
First, the Lord made man...
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 12:25:06 PM | Sexual Disfunction
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it
up for my wife anymore."
The Doctor looked at the man, and replied, "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with
you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the Doctor requested. "Now turn all
the way around...Lie down please...Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your
clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 12:29:46 PM | 5 Reasons Why You Would Not Want To Be A Penis!
1. You're bald your whole life
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ***hole.
And, my personal favourite...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 11:29:13 PM | Hmmmmmm according to this list, I still haven't grown up. lol
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Signs You're Already a Grown-up
· Your potted plants stay alive.
· Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
· You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
· 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
· You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
· You carry an umbrella.
· You watch the Weather Channel.
· Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
· You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
· Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
· You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
· Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
· You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
· Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
· You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
· Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
· You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
· Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
· MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
· You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
· A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
· You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
· Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ding Dongs.
· "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
· Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
· You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
· You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't
apply to you. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 11:30:05 PM | One day Mike noticed that a new couple had moved into the house
next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to
sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed
off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water
and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another
look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of
the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a
large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", Mike stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck Mike when his wife appears and
stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step
inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can
kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hang free at last. Mike takes one in each hand, and
proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes
on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2006 11:30:59 PM | One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices
she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife,
"Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond
bracelet. Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work
wearing a mink coat. He says,
"I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices
there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her
husband,
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!" | |
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