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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 926 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/14/2006 12:58:22 AM | "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
What a howl that one was, Brazen.. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/16/2006 9:07:56 PM | A bartender is closing up for the night when there is a knock at
the door.
He answers the door and there's a bum asking him for a toothpick.
The bartender gives him one and shuts the door.
After a few moments, there's another knock at the door. The
bartender opens it again to find yet another bum. Another request
for a toothpick. The bartender gives the bum one and shuts the
door again.
The bartender is about to go back to his cleaning when there's a third knock at the door... this time, the bum asked for a straw.
Confused, the bartender asks "Why not a toothpick?"
The bum says, "Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but all of the good stuff is
gone already!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/18/2006 7:35:44 AM | Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are all gay.
6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/18/2006 7:39:12 AM | PROBLEM SOLVED!
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.
This is a major break through because Women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/18/2006 8:44:36 AM | A WOMAN VISITED A PSYCHIC. IN A DARK AND GLOOMY ROOM, GAZING AT THE TAROT CARDS LAID OUT BEFORE HER, THE PSYCHIC DELIVERED THE BAD NEWS; "THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS SO I"LL BE BLUNT, PREPARE YOURSELF TO BE A WIDOW. YOUR HUSBAND WILL DIE A VIOLENT AND HORRIBLE DEATH THIS YEAR."
VISIBLY SHAKEN, THE WOMAN STARED AT THE PSYCHIC'S LINED FACE, THEN AT THE SINGLE FLICKERING CANDLE, THEN DOWN AT HER HANDS.
SHE TOOK A FEW DEEP BREATHS TO COMPOSE HERSELF; AND DECIDED TO ASK THE QUESTION, SHE SIMPLY HAD TO KNOW. SHE MET THE PSYCHIC'S GAZE, STEADIED HER VOICE, AND ASKED:
"WILL I GET AWAY WITH IT?"
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wanda | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2006 6:44:24 PM | A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:03:55 PM | For those who thought they knew everything
Here's a refresher course!
The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only p! lanet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro Man."
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:19:45 PM | The Loving Husband
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:27:46 PM | "For f*ck's sake Dad go home, you're embarrassing me".
f*cking HILARIOUS!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/27/2006 3:12:03 PM | Which baby are you?
January
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.
February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.
March
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.
April
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.
May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness
usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak too much in the next 4 days.
June
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.
July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends.
Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days
August
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect.Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.
September
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. If you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.
October
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.
November
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.
December
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. A hot new guy/girl will catch your eye & you will catch theirs too in the next 6 days, if you repost in 5min
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/27/2006 3:22:48 PM | A Little Flab
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control-top stocking." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra. "This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/28/2006 9:35:51 AM | An 80year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40mins they shagged like **stards. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. Christ she said "you didn't **** me like that 50 yrs ago"! to which the old man replys "50 years ago that fence wasn't ****ing electric"
lol | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/28/2006 9:37:37 AM | Paddy the electrician has been sacked from the prison service for refusing to fix the electric chair he said it was a ****ing death trap!
lol | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/29/2006 12:21:23 AM | A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin............................... and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/30/2006 6:39:43 AM |
the big pause
That was Great!
WHICH BABY ARE YOU?
Jan
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy.
Feb
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Mar
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Apr
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed.
May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings.
Jun
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing.
Jul
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself.
Aug
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to.
Sept
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.
Oct
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend.
Nov
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious.
Dec
This straight-up means you are the most good- looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. | |
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| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 8/30/2006 10:30:04 AM | I like Monkeys,
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. G*ddamn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys. | |
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| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 8/31/2006 6:13:07 PM | Two casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Charleston, South Carolina arrived ....and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral:
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men...are men. | |
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| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 9/1/2006 1:40:45 AM | The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Giving the birds & bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/1/2006 5:19:57 AM | NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:40:47 PM | Nice Lawyer Story (?)
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:44:37 PM | DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must
have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the
husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent
replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:48:38 PM | Proof that the world is nuts....
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at hem during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than
"going blind!")
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of . ?)
(Did the government pay for this research?)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
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And, the best for last...
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2006 3:23:45 PM | An Asian woman walks into a bank and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, "Why it change?" "Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo my money an today I only get a hunat eighty!"
The teller says very slowly, "fluctuations."
The Asian woman replies, "fluc you white guys too!"
| |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2006 3:59:03 PM | Penance?
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." | |
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