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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2006 11:21:46 PM | A new young farmer just out of college went to the feed store to ask how many chickens he needed to start a chicken farm....Man at the feed store told him he would have a good one in 3 months if he bought 300 baby chicks...So he did....In 2 weeks he returned to the feed store and stated he needed 300 more baby chicks.. Man at the feed store said... Wow your really going to have one heck of a chicken farm in 3 months...The young farmer replied...im not real sure about that...I dont know if im planting them too deep or to far apart......
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/9/2006 3:47:26 PM | Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful. Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 9:44:21 AM | Important Medical News!!!
American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing Blood Transfusions may
benefit from receiving Chicken Blood rather than Human Blood.
It tends to make the Men**** and the Women Lay Better.
Just thought you'd like to know. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 12:26:13 PM | A Poem for the near future
The best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while.....
Try to memorize this poem by next December.....
"WINTER"
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SCROLL DOWN
lllll
ll
ll
l
l
" SHIT....It's Cold!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 12:42:27 PM | Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the doctor slapped my
Mother.
I went to see my doctor. . . Dr. Finnie Goober. He asked if I had
this before? I said yes. He said well, you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I
asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2006 9:25:49 PM | Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
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lira
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Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 957 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2006 4:47:07 AM | I have not read all the jokes, so I am not sure if this one has been posted. But here it is anyway.
Superman was flying around one day. He saw Wonder Women on top of a building totally naked. He wanted to do her but knew she would not allow that. I decided since he was fast as lighnening, he would fly to her, do what he wanted and she would not know what he did.After he did this. Wonder Women yelled, "What was that"? The invisible man gets up off of her and says, " I dont know, but something tore my azz up. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2006 10:36:24 PM | A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife
speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so
what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me
be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband
now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.
The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving
her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving
and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What
could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits
that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange
in public; looking at the floor and never going near anyone
else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one
of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I
swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should
not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in
public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to
do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not
indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband feeling very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top
during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important
thing."
"What did he say?" asks the counselor
"With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/14/2006 3:25:48 PM | WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?". He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a *&%^$. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a *&^&^$. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/14/2006 3:29:30 PM | Love Being Canadian...
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Canadian Rockies, were
an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
German girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound
of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand
print on his cheek..... No one speaks.
The old Greek lady thinks: ....The American guy must have groped the blonde
in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The German girl thinks: ....That American guy must have tried to grope me in
the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The American thinks: ....The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Canadian thinks: ....I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can
smack the American again. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/14/2006 9:13:11 PM | | yeah some of those are dead ass funny | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/15/2006 1:07:36 PM | Tarzan and Jane
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show You how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " check for squirrel" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/16/2006 10:27:07 AM | This one's for Bikerboy!
---------------------------------
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
English phrase Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to "Macarena"? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Yu stin ki pu | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/17/2006 5:19:38 PM | THat time of year is coming again!
How To Avoid The FLU
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/17/2006 10:05:51 PM | | I like that joke, keep em coming. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/19/2006 9:47:22 PM | "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die.
What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You
get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until
you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs,
alcohol and party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade
school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb. You spend your
last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/19/2006 9:48:18 PM | A guy goes to Hell and is met by the Devil. The Devil explains
that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is
to select his first punishment wisely.
The Devil leads him to a hallway with three doors and tells him
to make his choice.
In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped.
His back is a bloody pulpy mess and he's screaming in pain. The
new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire.
Flaming torches are being played over his body. He screams with
agony as the smell of burning flesh fills the air. The new guy
immediately asks to see the third room.
The last room has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a
blowjob from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and
decides to take the third room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and
says, "Okay, you can stop now, you've been relieved." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/20/2006 11:42:39 AM | Some on this posted this and I am posting it again, cause it is real funny
One day a woman was standing naked in front of her mirror and she said to her husband, "I'm looking fat and ugly today. Compliment me so that I feel better."
The husband replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
He never heard the shot......
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them falls downs. The second hunters, gets out his cell phone and calls 9-11. He tells the dispatcher:" my friend has fallen down and isn't moving". The dispatcher tells him:" is he dead"? Bang! a shot is heard. The Second hunter says:" he is now." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/20/2006 2:55:57 PM | LOYALTY IN MARRIAGE
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the hell away from me." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/21/2006 2:46:55 PM | POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC STUDIES 101
How can two cows become so complicated?
DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/22/2006 3:26:13 PM | Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Happy Halloween! | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/22/2006 7:11:29 PM | Whose In Charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a$$hole is usually in charge. | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/23/2006 7:35:51 AM | Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an ***hole and a briefcase. | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/24/2006 11:03:05 AM | Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted. | |
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