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 Author Thread: My Joke Thread.
 timman131

Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 76
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History
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/23/2005 8:00:19 AM
Brazen - I understand. Damn porndogs!

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5,, was married for 5 years, has 5 kids and makes exactly $55,555.55 a year - and his lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend, at 5 PM who tells him that a horse named Lucky 5 is running in the fifth race at the local track that night. The man goes to the bank and withdrawls $5,555 and bets it on number 5.

AMAZINGLY...............................the horse finishes 5th.
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 77
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History
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/23/2005 8:16:44 PM
Thanks for reminding me of this, Riff-Raff.

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your c*nt?" "F*ck off, no you can't smell my c*nt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 78
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History
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/24/2005 4:33:16 PM
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
 memphispetite

Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 79
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History
Suprise date
Posted: 11/24/2005 9:56:55 PM
Bill met Mary in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very

much and at the end of the evening, Mary invited Bill to her place,

where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic

session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay

back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short

while, Mary began tenderly stroking Bill's manhood. Surprised but

appreciative, Bill comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more

already?" Mary replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit

nostalgic, and miss the days when I had one of my own."
 memphispetite

Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 80
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History
A Raise
Posted: 11/24/2005 10:01:10 PM
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.

And if all this is not enough, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management
 carribeanking7

Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 81
A Raise
Posted: 11/24/2005 10:49:00 PM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle, I'm still a virgin".

What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times?

Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. ...... God I miss
him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 82
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History
Suprise date
Posted: 11/25/2005 2:08:32 AM

"No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had one of my own."


HAHAHAHAHAHAA Memphis that's hilarious!
 whitsundays

Joined: 10/31/2005
Msg: 83
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/25/2005 6:31:59 AM
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 84
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History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/25/2005 8:51:19 PM
True Doctor Stories

>

> A man comes into the ER and yells,

> "My wife's going to

> have her baby in the

> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

> rushed out to the cab,

> lifted the lady's --Dress,

> and began to take off her

> underwear. Suddenly I

> noticed that there were

> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

>

> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

>

> At the beginning of my shift

> I placed a stethoscope on

> an elderly and

> slightly deaf female patient's

> anterior chest wall.

> Big breaths," I

> instructed. Yes, they used to be,"

> remorsefully

> replied the patient.

>

> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

>

>

>

>

> One day I had to be the bearer

> of bad news when I told

> a wife that her

> husband had died of a massive

> myocardial infarct. Not

> more tha n five minutes

> later, I heard her reporting

> to the rest of the family

> that he had died of a

> "massive internal fart."

>

> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada

>

>

> I was performing a complete physical,

> including the

> visual acuity test. I

> placed the patient twenty

> feet from the chart and

> began, "Cover your right

> eye with your hand." He read

> the 20/20 line perfectly.

> Now your left."

> Again, a flawless read Now both,"

> I requested. There

> was silence. He

> couldn't even read the

> large E on the top line. I

> turned and discovered that

> he had done exactly what

> I had asked; he was standing

> there with both his

> eyes covered. I was laughing

> too hard to finish the exam.

>

> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA

>

> During a patient's two week

> follow-up appointment with

> his cardiologist, he

> informed me, his doctor,

> that he was having trouble

> with one of his

> medications. Which one?"

> I asked. The patch. The nurse

> told me to put on a

> new one every six hours and

> now I'm running out of

> places t o put it!" I had

> him quickly undress and

> discovered what I hoped I

> wouldn't see. Yes, the man

> had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

> instructions include removal of

> the old patch before applying a new one.

>

> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

>

>

> While acquainting myself with

> a new elderly patient, I

> asked, "How long have

> you been bed-ridden?"

> After a look of complete

> confusion she answered ...

> Why, not for about twenty years

> -- when my husband was alive."

>

> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

>

>

> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

> So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

> It's very good, except for the Kentucky

> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

> the patient replied. I then asked to see the

> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

> labeled "KY Jelly."

>

> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

>

> And Finally . . . .

>

> A new, young MD doing his

> residency in OB was quite

> embarrassed performing

> female pelvic exams. To cover

> his embarrassment he had

> unconsciously formed

> a habit of whistling softly.

>

> The middle aged lady upon whom

> he was performing this

> exam suddenly burst

> out laughing and further

> embarrassed him. He looked up

> from his work and

> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

> Was I tickling you?"

>

> She replied, "No doctor,

> but the song you were

> whistling was 'I wish I was

> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

>

> --won't admit his name
 cameo80

Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 85
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/26/2005 7:52:48 AM
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 86
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History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:37:12 PM
HAHA I remember that one... so I looked it up because I was sure there was more. Great joke.


# WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

# WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think of him, while photocopying your a*** at the office Christmas party.

# WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

# WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

# WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary whose species and name you can't remember.

# WARNING: consumption of alcohol by females may cause extreme bloating in a nine month period.

# WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear more attractive than they actually are.
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 87
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History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:39:21 PM
A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he
suffered a massive heart attack and died.

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body,
saying,

"Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't
get to go away... What would you like us to do?"

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut
it off and stuff it in his ass."

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained
expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the
casket... Bending over him she said softly,

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

HAHAHA priceless.
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 88
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History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/27/2005 5:11:01 AM
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an
emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found
the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had
been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found
the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a
double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife
in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot
himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going
to say 'it could have been worse.'"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the
house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be
worse. You're on."

About that time, the sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into
the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the
living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his
side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was
a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his
wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot
himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff,
how could it have been worse? There are three people in this
farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been
worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff replied. "You see that guy there on
the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in
there in that bed!"
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 89
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History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/27/2005 5:12:14 AM
On the border of Russia and Poland there's a small forest. Half
of the forest belongs to a Russian farmer, while the other half
belongs to a Polish man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Russian man comes
across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and
calls his Polish neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the
forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Polish farmer

asked.

"Well," the Russian replied, "he's already chewed off three of
his legs and he's still trapped."
 cameo80

Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 90
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/27/2005 4:07:15 PM
LOL ahhhhhhhhhh the humanity of it all lol

nice jokes! here ill give ya one
 cameo80

Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 91
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/27/2005 4:16:32 PM
40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest
 cameo80

Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 92
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/27/2005 4:18:30 PM
A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.
 SimmahDahnNah

Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 93
view profile
History
How to turn men down
Posted: 11/27/2005 4:42:10 PM
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
>SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
>
>HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
>SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
>
>HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
>SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
>
>HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
>SHE: I must've been given your share.
>
>HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
>SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
>
>HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
>SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
>
>HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
>SHE: Okay, get out.
>
>HE: I think I could make you very happy.
>SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
>
>HE: What would you say if I asked
>you to marry me?
>SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
>
>HE: Can I have your name?
>SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
>
>HE: Shall we go see a movie?
>SHE: I've already seen it.
>
>HE: Where have you been all my life?
>SHE: Hiding from you.
>
>HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
>SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
>
>HE: Is this seat empty?
>SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
>
>HE: So, what do you do for a living?
>SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
>
>HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
>SHE: Do not enter.
>
>HE: Your body is like a temple.
>SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
>
>HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
>SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
>
>HE: Where have you been all my life?
>SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
>dreams.
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 94
view profile
History
How to turn men down
Posted: 11/27/2005 10:49:10 PM
Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their
favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.

They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning
blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"

"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked,
"Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled
down her panties and licked her on the ass.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said,

"That there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 95
view profile
History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/27/2005 10:51:38 PM

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Educated means: College dropout

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Humorous means: Caustic

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Smart means: Insipid


Oh shit I'm busted!
 carribeanking7

Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 96
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/28/2005 1:42:48 AM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when
> he
> saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After
mass, the
> priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to
come
> to
> mass, what made you come?"
>
> Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
> misplaced
> my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a
hat
> just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every
Sunday. I
> also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I
figured
> he
> would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
> communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
>
> The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's
> hat. What changed your mind?"
>
> Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,
I
> decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
>
> The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about
'Thou
> Shall Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat
than
> burn
> in hell, right?"
>
> Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou
> Shall Not Commit Adultery'.. I remembered where I left my hat."
>
>
>
>
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 97
view profile
History
Crazy Knnnnnigits
Posted: 11/28/2005 4:31:42 PM
Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more
cheery"

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
walk him every day"

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/28/2005 4:33:24 PM
Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as
every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse
proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed
window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how
badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car
garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of
TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor
temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half
sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and
slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to
play with the same toy.
 timman131

Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 99
view profile
History
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/28/2005 10:46:13 PM
Brazen - you have got to stop laughing at your own jokes.

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
 -BraZen-

Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 100
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Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/29/2005 2:46:51 AM
@ Timman... but they make me laugh!


The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to
one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire
inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets
it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him
a $5.00 bill.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very
much Father, . . . you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day
the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot
day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another
$5.00 bill.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much
Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action.

"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do
you have any idea what the word means?".

"Yes," says the kid, "a tight c*nt!"
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