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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/24/2006 11:00:33 PM | The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian
couple and begin talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up
the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half
an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not big enough!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad,
passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All she kept doing the whole time
was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/24/2006 11:53:10 PM | After God created the universe, he created Man. Then he rested.
Then God created Woman, and nobody has rested since.
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/25/2006 11:25:02 PM | This one is dedicated to my buddy Trevor.
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20 Excuses for Not Going to Work
· If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the
house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
· My stigmata's acting up.
· I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?
· I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...
· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
supermarket.
· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you
for calling.
· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.
· The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
· When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
· The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the
vet.
· I'd prefer to remain an enigma.
· I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to
arrange for helicopter transportation.
· I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian
to Gregorian.
· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
· I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
· I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not
coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little
agreement at last year's Christmas party. | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/25/2006 11:26:24 PM | A blonde is driving down the road one night and she's swerving
all over the road. After about a mile she's pulled over by a
police cruiser. The police officer approaches the car and asks
what the problem is and if the blonde has been drinking.
She replies, "Well officer I looked up and there was a tree in
front of me so I turned left and there was another tree so I
turned right and there was another tree so I turned left again
and there was another tree... no matter which way I turned there
was a tree right in front of me."
The officer stares at her for a minute, smiles and says, "Ma'am,
that's your air freshener." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/26/2006 2:58:33 PM | God & Adam
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said "What's a headache?" | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/26/2006 3:06:03 PM | HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you lis ten long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 | |
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lira
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Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 982 | |
| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/26/2006 3:21:34 PM | Top 5 things men understand about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Just a joke guys.
Hers one I liked.
A women went to a wishing well to wish to be smart, be a good driver, and handle money. She threw in her coin. Then poof. She turned into a man.
Sorry, ladies. It was funny. | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/27/2006 2:50:11 PM | A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies. | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/28/2006 1:19:27 AM | A young girl sneaks into the bathroom, and sees her father in the
shower. Naturally, she's curious, and asks what his testicles
are.
"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way
of poetic concealment.
Impressed, the girl then repeats this information to her mother,
who replies,
"Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?" | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/28/2006 1:55:01 PM | 1st Year Anatomy
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/28/2006 3:38:30 PM | A Newfy Joke
The Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant window.
It read:
"Happy hour special: Lobster tail & Beer"
"Ah, ha! " he says, "My 3 favourite things! " | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/29/2006 12:36:57 AM | A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't
reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and
began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school
child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow." | |
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| Here is a joke
Posted: 9/30/2006 5:52:21 AM | Possibly OT, but what the heck....
MID-LIFE
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/30/2006 12:46:17 PM | | If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would you be stoned off your ass? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/2/2006 10:34:58 PM | A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "OK, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/3/2006 2:00:30 PM | [Qwackers] Darwin Awards for 2006
The annual honor is given to people who improved the "gene pool" the most, by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily, stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are.............
* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
~~~
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand, caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, & had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him, while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
~~~
* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
~~~
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver [loaded with four bullets] into his mouth and pull the trigger.
HONORABLE MENTION:
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
* TACOMA, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated & at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30AM.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered & pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg & the other end was tied to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water & was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Ger-many) fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative & more than a bushel of berries, figs, & prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock & lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Sh**" happens." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/3/2006 2:05:58 PM | THE REAL STORY OF THE 3 BEARS
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you/ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...............
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/3/2006 3:41:57 PM | One day a woman was standing naked in front of her mirror and she said to her husband, "I'm looking fat and ugly today. Compliment me so that I feel better."
The husband replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
He never heard the shot......
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them falls downs. The second hunters, gets out his cell phone and calls 9-11. He tells the dispatcher:" my friend has fallen down and isn't moving". The dispatcher tells him:" is he dead"? Bang! a shot is heard. The Second hunter says:" he is now." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/4/2006 1:52:37 PM | 30 things I learned from porn
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy cummers.
11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. Dorky guys never have to beg. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/5/2006 5:58:46 PM | A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those ***holes deducted $95.00 in taxes. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/11/2006 5:07:30 AM | Tree Huggers
While walking through the Colorado Aspen forests a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/12/2006 12:02:41 AM | Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful
daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess
touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic-
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry
her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt, she will
be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any
man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt
would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince
brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the
princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond
is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent
away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand
in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt
something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived
happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you
thinking?) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/12/2006 9:17:13 AM | Senior Halloween
An older couple had not gone out for Halloween in a long time. They decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, "you're going out like that?" "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a****tator." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/12/2006 9:24:48 AM | Why We Love Children!
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/12/2006 9:40:38 AM | Italian lover
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." | |
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