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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/13/2006 1:33:06 PM | Scotts Wedding
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding............
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/14/2006 11:41:14 AM | The FBI has reported that an entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen.
They haven't identified the suspects, except to say that they are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:02:40 PM | This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,
at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to
talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their
wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's
families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for
providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,
he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila
envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his
gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man
having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of
them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to
the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "**** you,
" he turned to the bride and said, "**** you," and then he turned
to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the
marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately
after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it
anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the
wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did
happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire
families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world;
we just live in it. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:03:45 PM | A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by
a young woman with three small children running around at her
feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a
child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,
we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in
what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts
it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:24:50 AM | A guy walked into a bar, and saw an attractive woman nursing a drink. He
approached her and said, "Hey good-looking! How's it going?"
She turned around, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I
screw anybody! Any time, anywhere, standing up, sitting down, naked,
with clothes on, dirty, clean, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing
it ever since I got out of college, and just flat LOVE it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/16/2006 11:56:08 AM | A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/16/2006 11:59:07 AM | A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there ' s three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women ' s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of ' willies ' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree.
In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:52:05 PM | Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/19/2006 7:21:29 PM | Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke!
Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten **stard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/23/2006 3:53:33 PM | Pantyhose quiz
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of
pantyhose?
Now, think about it...
Ready?
Answer:
10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
and an unknown number of hares.
And of course one (1) p u s s y | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/24/2006 5:41:02 AM | A Canadian made the Darwin List in 2006. Well, maybe we aren't proud of ALL Canadians!
It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual
honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This
year's winner was a real rocket scientist... really!
And the nominees were:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of
the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur
rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found
a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car,
jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0
miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and
melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted
the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and
fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed
to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground
speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the
ground. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/24/2006 10:36:33 AM | *TIPS FOR REDNECKS *
GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say " Monday ". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/25/2006 12:42:38 PM | Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
ady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2006 5:02:22 PM | A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," He says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2006 5:31:45 PM | A Few Canadian Jokes
CANADIAN JOKE #1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of
beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
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CANADIAN JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked,
"Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
The guy was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain,
the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
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CANADIAN JOKE #4
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
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CANADIAN JOKE #5
In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
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CANADIAN JOKE #6
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU **stard!!!"
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CANADIAN JOKE #7
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
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CANADIAN JOKE #8
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2006 10:04:16 PM | The Dublin police were given orders to clean up the neighborhood.
That night a drunk staggered towards a constable and said:
"Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head
with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2006 9:59:33 AM | Police are taking the 911 off the police cars.... the mexicans are stealing them thinking there porsches
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:05:06 AM | They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today??"
"There's something wrong with my d i c k, he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told old you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
---------------------******----------------------------
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/2/2006 2:37:28 PM | Psyc Test...
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy
she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there,
but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
(Give this some thought before you answer). SCROLL DOWN.
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question correctly good for you. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/2/2006 4:35:49 PM | Great Senior Moment!
A very self-important college freshman attending a football game, took it
upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing ...and," pausing to take another drink of beer......
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so
we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing
for the next generation?"
I love senior citizens!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/3/2006 12:04:15 AM | Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had
three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and
potent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings
up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single
wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy
for 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and
asks,
"Well, how'd it go?"
In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's
black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the
pharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben
Gay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't show
up." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/5/2006 10:53:18 PM | MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/6/2006 3:22:54 AM | OK, there are 3
different ethnic backgrounds,
a white guy, a black guy,
and a mexican...
One day they find a genie's
lantern, and decide to rub it...
POOF ! out pops a genie and
says "I'll grant you each 1 wish"
So the mexican guy says "alright,
I wish that my people be free and
have never ending prosperity and
happiness"
POOF ! his wish comes true, all
the mexican people and himself
are returned to mexico.
So the black guy, amazed at what
he just witnessed, wishes for the
samething, that his people be free
and have never ending prosperity
and happiness...
POOF ! his wish comes true and
all his people including himself
are returned to Africa.
The white guy walks up and ask's the
genie to set the record straight...
"So your telling me that all the black
people and mexicans are no longer
in this country?"
The genie replies,
"That is correct, so what is your
one and only wish?"
The white guy says,
"My wish has already come true,
All the blacks and Mexicans are out
of my country, so my wish is for just
a coke"
Cheers.
(If you don't get this joke,
rent or buy the movie
"The Boondock Saints") | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/8/2006 11:03:38 PM | Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on
the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent
of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large
land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an
exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working
and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world
as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them
superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired
and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to
them." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/13/2006 2:24:23 PM | Warning
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the fall weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked...
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. | |
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