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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2006 12:47:16 AM | A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor
asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet
round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting
around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear
end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there
was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2006 8:57:59 AM | THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only
underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your
nuts." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2006 7:11:16 AM | Seven Kinds of Sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/22/2006 1:13:25 PM | What am I?
RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS
OF BOTH SEXES.
IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSLEY
FOR INSTANT ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES
QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING
WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN
QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY
MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY,
FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH
WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE
OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND
CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS
RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY
REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE
TIMES A DAY,BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
TOOTHBRUSH ...
what were you thinking?
You PERVERT! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/22/2006 3:36:42 PM | The Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same -she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/25/2006 2:06:30 AM | The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/28/2006 2:32:49 PM | The bunny and the snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, you're covered with soft fur,you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.
" Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paws, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor, human resources staff member, or possibly someone in senior management." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:06:35 AM | FACTS TO PONDER:
Physicians:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.
>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large,
I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:16:10 AM | Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No,"I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a $hit?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:20:30 AM | This conversation will exhaust you but it happens every day in Paris. Save your airfare and read this conversation instead!!!
In a busy Parisian cafe, a tourist is sitting alone, enjoying a crème caramel.
Another tourist approaches...
Me sit here?
No problem...
Thank you, very nice...
Are you on vacation?
Me, I arrive yesterday...
What country are you from?
Norway. You?
From Quebec.
Quebec? Me not know Quebec...
Quebec... near the Atlantic, next to Ontario, the Great Lakes...
No, me not know these places.
Never mind then, I'm from Canada...
Ah! Canada! Canada I know! So why you tell me you come from Quebec?
Because, my first country is Quebec!
Oh, you were born in Quebec and immigrated to Canada....
No, no, I was born in Quebec and I stay in Quebec...
Oh, then your father is from Canada?
No, no, my father, my mother, my wife, my dog, everybody, they come from Quebec....
So why you say Canada?
For Christ sake, because you say you don't know where is Quebec!
OK, but if you say you not know Norway, me I not say that my country is Japan...
Shit! Canada isn't Japan. Canada, it's my country.
Oh, your country not Quebec anymore?...
My country is Quebec. But my country, it can be Canada too, if the person I speak to not know where is Quebec, Tabarnak!
Me not understand...
Look, it's simple: I come from the Province of Quebec, in the country of Canada.
Ok! But me not ask you what province you're from, I ask you what country. Me, I come from Lofoten region in Norway, but I answer you Norway when you ask me what country I come from...
I know, I'm not stupid, Coulisse! But me, when they ask me what country I come from, I answer Quebec. Even if it's the name of my province. For me, it's my country.
Oh, now I understand. You are a separatist, you want your Quebec province to be your country...
Are you crazy, Hostie? I don't want to know nothing from that shit!
Me, I not understand anything anymore.
I tell you before, it's simple! You ask me what country I come from, I answer Quebec because Quebec is my country, but I don't really want it to be my country, it would be too much trouble. I just want to say it. So, why don't you just let me say it?
Me all mix up. You have passport from what country: Quebec or Canada?
CANADA, Hostie!
So why you not tell me Canada right away?
Because it don't feel right. For me, Canada is Anne Murray, the Calgary Stampede, the Mounted Police, SARS, it's not my home all that. Home, it's La Famille Plouffe, Saraphin Poudrier, La P'tite Vie, Falix Leclerc, La Poune, Les Canadiens de Montreal, Les Bougons... Do you understand???
Less and less...
Listen, forget all that shit. Ask me another question.
Ok, what town you come from?
Mmm..., I don't know anymore...
You not know what town you come from?
Yes, yes, I know what town I come from, but my town it merge with another town, but soon it is going to demerge from the town that was supposed to be my town...
Oh, that very complicated! When you write your address, what do you write?
I don't know anymore. Before, I used to write Hull, but Hull changed to Gatineau, but they tell us to wait 3 years before stopping to write Hull to not mix up the mailman. But now, the Liberals they pass a law that make it ok for Gatineau to be Hull again, but I don't know if we have to wait 3 years to be able to write Hull, or when the 3 years are passed, if we have to write Gatineau for 3 years, and after we write Hull. Unless, of course, the PQ come back in power and we remerge with Gatineau, then we'll have to write Gatineau for 3 years. I leave now; I have hurt in my head... It's so simple Tabarnak: My town is Hull, my country is Quebec. But if you prefer, my town is Gatineau and my country is Canada.
OK, I think I understand!
It's about time. Anyway, it was fun talking to you, if you come around where I live; maybe you come and see me...
OK, but where? Hull in Quebec or Gatineau in Canada?
You're a pain in the ass. Forget the whole thing.
That, my friends, is the portrait of Quebec! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2006 10:45:28 PM | A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!" | |
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wtf...
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 1037 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:49:03 AM | scientific studies show 99% of men would like 2 b a tablecloth. its the only fooking chance they get of being laid 3 times a day and pulled off last thing at night  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/11/2006 11:24:49 AM | International Disadvantaged People's Day
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote liberal or occasionally $hit yourself.......
You hang in there sunshine | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/11/2006 1:09:32 PM | How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights ?
2 calves
1 beaver
1 ass
1 ****
an endless amount of hares
the occasional****br>and a fish that no one can find !
 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/18/2006 8:47:09 AM | OT: The Sex Quiz: Myths, Taboos and Bizarre Facts
http://www.livescience.com/php/trivia/index.php?quiz=sex | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/24/2006 11:02:59 AM | A Beautiful sound...
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down.Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not
like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out
what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find
these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks
on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the
earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows
what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest
and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now
show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find
a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and
diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last
door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover
the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:59:42 PM | Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in
fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized
that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram of where
he should go and asked him if he would be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the classroom and said to
the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the
school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and
Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit
down at their seats.
The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"
"Oh sure," Tommy replied, "he just had his boxer shorts on
backwards." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/29/2006 12:29:18 AM | A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started
to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/3/2007 12:02:35 PM | Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:09:22 AM | As i was walking along a California beach & deep in prayer. All of a sudden,
I cried out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above my head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
I spoken direct to the lord god, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honour & glorify me."
I thought about it for a long time. Finally I spoke unto the lord God, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/10/2007 4:22:04 PM | For a Good Reason
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The
Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with
pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held
out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty
and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank and; her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the
water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with
Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come
up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all
three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take are
of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2007 5:47:00 AM | The Hardware Store
Mary's husband was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent her to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that her husband had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:08:09 PM | 'Twas the month after Christmas
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scale there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber)
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:43:09 PM | Jewish Air Conditioning
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused.
And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: Norm, Hi and Max. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/12/2007 4:30:49 PM | Hillbilly Virgin
A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night
he calls his father for advice on what to do since
he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"
Thinking that nature will take its course, the
father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you
both get in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and
says, "She's nekid and we're in bed. What do I do
now?"
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the
box, his dad asked," Did you take your clothes off,
too?"
"No." the son replies.
"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed
with her."
The son calls back a few minutes later and says,
"We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"
The father's patience is quickly running out, and
he growls, "Look, Son, do I have to spell everything
out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body where
she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got
my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?" | |
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