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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/15/2007 3:10:09 PM | Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to
a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer
told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for
the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the
daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her
blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and
learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave
without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love
last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out....."LAIDTHEOLADEETOO" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/16/2007 11:47:38 AM | A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:30:21 PM | PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:31:59 PM | Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower...Cooter, Jim Bob, and
Bubba. As they start their descent down the tower, Cooter slips, falls off
the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away,
Jim Bob says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." Bubba
says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours
later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Jim Bob says, "Where did
you get that beer, Bubba?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable; you told the lady her husband was dead and She gave
you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said To her,
'You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.".... then I Said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2007 6:20:57 PM | If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist (and Boston comedian). His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his one liners:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
8. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
11. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
12. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
17. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
21. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
22. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
23. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
24. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
27. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:09:07 PM | A Prayer
Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2007 8:56:41 PM | The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2007 1:28:10 PM | The Chinese Food Song!
http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2007 4:38:20 PM | Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such Perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/6/2007 7:11:30 PM | Names are important!!
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send h im $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
(Pretty funny huh - hey - I don't write them - I only forward them along for your enjoyment.) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:45:53 AM | Redneck Love Poem
Collards is green
my dogs name is blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass
which excite me in May
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
just a-fry'n in the pan
Yo're as fragrant as snuff
right out of the can.
You have some-a yore teeth
for which I am proud
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms
well I'm in hog heaven
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work
they all want to know
what I did to deserve
such a purdy young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there for yore man
to patch up lifes troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin overhead
you ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gun rack
my life is complete
ain't nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion is purfect
like the best vinyl sidin
despite all the years
yore age it keeps hidin.
Me 'n' you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men they buy chocolate
for Valentine's day
They git it at Wal-Mart
it's romantic that way.
Some men get roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger
"That's impressive" I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth
diamonds are forever
they explain suave and couth.
But for this man honey
these just won't do
cause yore too special
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift
without taste or odor
more useful than diamonds
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:37:41 AM | Some new Maxine's - she nails it every time.
Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them.
Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!
When the neighbours play the music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts'em down pretty quick.
Getting older is like visiting an all-you -can-eat buffet. What should he hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.
Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...
are the ones who got you mad in the first place.
As far as I'm concerned, the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.
If you're not suppose to stick Q-tips in your ears, what the hell are they for?
Actually, you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years. Assuming you can stand the sight of people your age naked.
Tried on a thong yesterday. I'm still trying to dig it out.
I think I must be wearing a "wonder where they went" bra.
Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and east candy out of your socks.
I've still got "it", but NOBODY wants to see it.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you??
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker!
Don't think of them as hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches!
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/7/2007 1:40:26 PM | HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-boots.
Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy
of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA pamphlets.
Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, and Duke: Slim
and I went to the gun shop for more ammunition.
Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the mess.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside .
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to install a home security system | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/8/2007 2:04:13 PM | A Poem
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/9/2007 9:59:25 PM | Which Cartoon Character Are You?
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you
ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?
A group of investigators got together and analyzed the
personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The
information that was gathered was made into this test.
Answer all the questions (only 10)with what describes you
best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you
choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by
looking at the end before you are done.
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
..a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
..b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
..c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
..d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
..e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
2. What is your favorite type of music?
..a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
..b) Alternative (1 pt.)
..c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
..d) Country (5 pts.)
..e) Pop (3 pts.)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?
..a) Comedy (2 pts.)
..b) Horror (1 pt.)
..c) Musical (3 pts.)
..d) Romance (4 pts.)
..e) Documentary (5 pts.)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
..a) Waiter (4 pts.)
..b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
..c) Teacher (3 pts.)
..d) Police (2 pts.)
..e) Cashier (1 pt)
5 What do you do with your spare time?
..a) Exercise (5 pts.)
..b) Read (4 pts.)
..c) Watch television (2 pts.)
..d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
..e) Sleep (3 pts.)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
..a) Yellow (1 pt.)
..b) White (5 pts.)
..c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
..d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
..e) Red (4 pts.)
7. What do you prefer to eat?
..a) Snow (3 pts.)
..b) Pizza (2 pts.)
..c) Sushi (1 pt.)
..d) Pasta (4 pts.)
..e) Salad (5 pts.)
8 What is your favorite holiday?
..a) Halloween (1 pt.)
..b) Christmas (3 pts.)
..c) New Year (2 pts.)
..d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
..e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
..a) Paris (4 pts)
..b) Spain (5 pts)
..c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
..d) Hawaii (4 pts)
..e) Hollywood (3 pts)
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
..a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
..b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
..c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
..d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
..e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been
waiting for!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to
have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what
you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may
not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you
always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit
may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in
and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to
satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days
more than once but you always come home with the family values
that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but
only after you have had your share of fun times
(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to
give advice a nd help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and
you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to
be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in
your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend
that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause
harm to anyone and th! ey would never not understand your feelings. Life
is a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from
traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious
about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom
every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few
Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted
with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad
situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a
while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/12/2007 9:03:11 PM | Deadly Virus - Antidote
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
orally,and by hand. This virus is called Work-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or
anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put
your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract
(WINE)or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the
antidoterepeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your
system.You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your
life... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/12/2007 9:08:27 PM | A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin'. How's
it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around,
faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up,
buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place,
in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it
doesn't matter to me, I've been doing it ever since I got out
of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a
lawyer, too. What firm are you with? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/21/2007 1:37:06 PM | The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.
If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
God Bless Canada | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2007 3:26:58 PM | The "Schitt" List.........
The lineage is finally revealed!
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know
Jack Schitt!"
Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6
children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to
hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The
couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood subsequently
married the Happens Brothers. The local newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse Schitt.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned
from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.
You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2007 7:12:02 PM | DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for
dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't
tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give
them a clue and let them guess.The kids were eager
to know what the meat was on their plates,
so begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he
said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams "Don't eat it, Don't eat it,
it's a fu**ing ass hole." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2007 7:19:13 PM | UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digi ts of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2007 7:26:45 PM | Only in Newfoundland
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of Our patients". "Yes, sir!!!" answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
And what did you do Garge?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!!!!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2007 1:55:16 AM | THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED
HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER
THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY CELL PHONE. I
HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMEN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF
THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET
PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND
STARED AT HER. THE HILLBILLY WOMEN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2007 2:14:35 PM | Cute Valentine Story
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad , and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone
how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells, and he looks at his daughter with new
found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the ****er." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:44:41 PM | HOW IS EMAIL LIKE A PENIS?
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who
don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them
power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but
think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to
try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have
work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until
it's too late.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses. | |
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