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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/25/2007 4:06:26 AM | Mathematics
>
> From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes
>like this:
>
> What Makes 100%?
>
>
> What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
>
>
> Ever wonder about those people who say they are
>giving more than 100%?
>
>
> We have all been to those meetings where someone
>wants you to give over 100%.
>
>
> How about achieving 103%?
>
>
> What makes up 100% in life?
>
> Here's a little mathematical formula that might
>help you answer these questions:
>
>
> If:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X
>Y Z
> is represented as:
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
>20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
> Then:
>
> H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K is
> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
> and
>
> K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
> But,
>
> A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
> And,
>
> B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
> 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
> AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>
> A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
> 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
> So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty
>that, while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude
>will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you
>over the top. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/26/2007 2:17:10 AM | WOW what a thread... I read every single joke, every single page... it took me about a week, but I did it! 
Very entertaining! I'll be checking in for more! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2007 12:26:50 AM | TONGUE TWISTER...
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ', I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey'. But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed ****. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2007 12:32:22 AM | OK I now know I can't say that word... but that last word started with a 'b', second letter 'i', third 't', fourth 'c' and fifth 'h'...  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2007 4:38:28 AM | Two guys are on the links, and the pair ahead of them are slowing them up. The one guy turns to his friend and says, "I'm going up there to explain the rules of etiquette and ask them to let us play through."
He gets halfway up the fairway, stops and turns around. When he returns, he says, "Man, you're going to have to go ask them to let us play through. One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress." Off his buddy goes.
Halfway up the fairway, the other guy turns around and comes back. Sheepishly, he says, "Small world, isn't it?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/28/2007 11:36:32 AM | | EEEWWWW!!! Jack you dirty old man!!! Get out of here!!!! You just ruined my Laughing buzz you old perve!!! Shame on you!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/28/2007 12:19:57 PM | A doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/28/2007 3:25:13 PM | Welcome to Bawston
Information on Boston and the surrounding area:
There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on
Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in
alphabetical "oddah": Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc.
So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named
after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If
they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave.
South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is
Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and
Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one
night. Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.
How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
**Say it wrong, be shunned**
Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester: Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Wooban
Dedham: Dedim (like denim w/ a D in the N pace)
Revere: Re-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury: Tooks berry
Leominster: Lemon-sta
Peabody: Peabuddy
Waltham: Walth-ham
Chatham: Chattum
Definitions:
Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't.
If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
Soda is CLUB SODA.
"Pop" is Dad.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.
It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel.
It's not a spucky it's a sub.
It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.
It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.
They're not franks; they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza".
If you take the bus, you're on the "looza crooza". It's not a rubber
band, it's an elastic. It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary. "Going
to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket. If something's
good, it's "pissa". If something's really good, it's "wicked pissa".
The Pat's = The Patriots
The Sox = The Red Sox
The C's = The Celtics
The B's = The Bruins
Things not to do:
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd .. they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford)
or Slumaville (Somerville).
Don't sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)
Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, three
Hancock buildings (one old, one not so old,one new.)
The colored lights on top the not so old Hancock tell the wetha:
"Solid blue, clear view...."
"Flashing blue, clouds due...."
"Solid red, rain ahead...."
"Flashing red, snow instead...." - (except in summer; flashing red means
t he Red Sox game was rained out)
Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer.
Bostonians... think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.
Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."
Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Bostonians...say everything in town is "a five-minute walk." (Pronounced "wok")
Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm
Bostonians...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.
| |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2007 12:01:27 AM | THE FIRST ONE IS FOR THE GIRLS...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In
addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0
no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0
is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
------------------
THIS ONE IS FOR THE BOYS...
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts
between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all
my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also
has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:28:28 AM | FreeSexPlus sometimes is a time limited program which may cease running or will only boot up intermittently. There is no warranty and usually it can not be reinstalled. You have to put up with the inconsistentcy. Sometimes Flowers 1.0 or Candy 1.0 works to help boot-up, but no guarantees.
Only solution is to start over with Girlfriend 1.0.
 | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/4/2007 10:55:36 AM | Wife's Panties
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Sh^t," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
 | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/4/2007 5:04:16 PM | Monica Lewinsky was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a sea shell. Next thing she knew there was a genie. The genie said "You have released me from 10,000 years of imprisonment, since you have been a bad girl I'm going to grant you only one wish." Monica stood there and thought, "I've already made millions for my best-selling book, I've already had relations with powerful man, can you make my love handles disappear?" The genie said "Wish granted." POOF!
Her ears disappeared. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/4/2007 10:45:32 PM | >> George Carlin's new rules for 2007
>>
>> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
>> classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to
>> people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
>> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
>> the football team is doing these days -- mowing my
>> lawn.
>>
>> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
>> a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
>> all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
>> Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
>> did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
>> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
>> damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
>> lucky **stards.
>>
>> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
>> baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
>> cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
>> man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
>> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
>> of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
>> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
>> water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
>> flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
>> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
>> melt. That's your flavored water.
>>
>> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
>> the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
>> and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
>> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
>> dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'- Low, and one
>> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.
>>
>> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
>> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
>> right above the crack of your butt. And it translates
>> to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
>> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
>> weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
>> high.
>>
>> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
>> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
>> U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
>> those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
>> exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
>> They 're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
>> Stern Show."
>>
>> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
>> hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>
>> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
>> based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
>> to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
>> see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
>> remember the reason something was a television show in
>> the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to
>> be a movie.
>>
>> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
>> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
>> homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
>> stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
>> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
>> looting.
>>
>> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
>> bathroom attendants After I zip up, some guy is
>> offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
>> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
>> supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
>> fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
>> just want to wash my hands.
>>
>> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
>> need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
>> do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
>> care in the first place.
>>
>> New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
>> want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then
>> for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
>> piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
>> saying" Do you want fries with that?"
>> | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/5/2007 2:44:41 AM | MORE JACK BAUER FACTS!!! super funny!
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a ****. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.
But statistics don't lie.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that **** went to the hospital first.
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's ****ing Jack Bauer.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're ****ing dead."
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never ****s up.
American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/6/2007 7:31:37 AM | Housework was woman's work, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer
and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table
set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article
that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired
to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her
office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired... God is good | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:52:10 PM | God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to
be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking,
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats,
and carriers of peace.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I
put there." | |
|
| ABC's of ex girlfriends
Posted: 3/8/2007 12:16:52 AM | A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you. you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little ****. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that **** is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week. | |
|
| The Sneeze
Posted: 3/8/2007 1:06:24 PM | The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, " Black Pepper. " | |
|
| The Sneeze
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:27:40 AM | A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!" | |
|
| The Sneeze
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:04:13 AM | A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really
none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a
divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex." | |
|
| Christian And Justin
Posted: 3/10/2007 6:46:21 PM | Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. As time passed (as it invariably does) Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Whilst swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back and, lo and behold he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a****ail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin shouted . . .
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
(Anon) | |
|
| Christian And Justin
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:40:42 AM | A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a
satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says;
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" | |
|
| Christian And Justin
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:52:04 AM | New C E O
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much
money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make
$400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here' s
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did
here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's." | |
|
| NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
Posted: 3/26/2007 6:48:28 PM | D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
>Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
 | |
|
| Cucumber, Pickle & a Penis......
Posted: 3/28/2007 7:54:08 AM | | A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The cucumber said, "My life sucks! When I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and toss me into a salad!" The pickle said, "When I get big, fat and juicy, they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar!" The penis then said, "You think that's bad? When I get big, fat and juicy, They pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!" | |
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