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| Cucumber, Pickle & a Penis......
Posted: 3/28/2007 7:03:41 PM | Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card | |
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| Letter to the Transport Authority
Posted: 3/29/2007 4:23:25 PM | Letter to the Transport Authority:
Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of
our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
The Railroad
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused
in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter,
you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is
something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly,
A Commuter | |
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| Hotel quest for a perfect man
Posted: 3/30/2007 7:58:45 PM | | A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." | |
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| flexible?
Posted: 3/30/2007 11:18:08 PM | While listening to the news tonight, a phrase from what seems to be the
mandatory ED commercial caught my ear. The ad said 36-hour Cialis "means
you can be flexible."
Huh? I thought "being flexible" was the problem to begin with. | |
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| flexible?
Posted: 3/31/2007 11:19:28 AM | | ^^^^^^lmao good one! Ever hear about the cannibal who passed his neighbour in the woods? | |
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| Two guys are playing golf...
Posted: 3/31/2007 4:01:09 PM | Two guys are playing golf and one of them shanks his ball over a hill and into the next fairway. He goes to look for it but returns empty-handed.
"Where's your ball?" his friend asks.
"I can't go get my ball. I looked over the hill and there's my wife AND my girlfriend. They're playing golf together. If I go over there, I'll get killed. You have to get my ball."
The friend walks up the hill and comes running back a few minutes later.
"What's the matter?" asks the first golfer?
"Wow, small world," the second replies. | |
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| International sign language competition final play by play....
Posted: 4/1/2007 6:12:43 PM | The international sign language competition had come to the championship round, and it just so happened that both of the finalists were from french speaking countries. Jean Luc hailed from Montreal, and Pierre was from Marseilles. Incidently; they were both not deaf as well!
As this was such a huge event in the world of signing, the setup resembled something out of a rocky movie, with both finalists entering with full entourages, music, lots of lights, etc...
The coin toss went to Pierre, who started out.
Pierre: Holds up a fist; with a confident look on his face.
Jean Luc: Scoffs at Pierre and calmly holds up his index finger.
Pierre: Quickly replies with a determined two finger gesture.
Jean Luc: Three fingers...cold as ice.
Pierre: Panicking; karate chops his thigh twice....
Jean Luc: With a triumphant air; takes both hands out in front of himself and touches his fingers together twice.
Pierre: Yells out in defeat and hurtles himself to the ground.
Jean Luc wins the contest!
The big media rush to the stage area nearly tramples Pierre , but some of the straggling journalists pick him up and dust him off.
One of the reporters asks Pierre what his account of the match was.
(Thick Parisian accent)
"Well I won le cointoss... So I start off wit' la sign for... poweur!
Den Jean luc comes back wit' de sign for unity...
I use de sign for duality!
He tell me to stand as equals...
I tell him to stand wit' your brotheur;
...Den he does dis 'ting wit' 'is two 'ands! I don' understand?!I lose...I fall down!
The media over at the winners circle was aking the same question.
Jean Luc(loud Quebec accent)
"Well, dat****ucker; Pierre, 'e won da cointoss, and 'e started off wit' ....**** you!
So I tell 'im I'm gonna shove a finger up 'is ass for dat!
He tell me he gonna give me two....
No no I say; He gonna get tree.
He tell me it won't fit...
I say...we make it fit!" | |
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| International sign language competition final play by play....
Posted: 4/1/2007 6:13:47 PM | | Sean O'Mally was flying a kite which continually looped and crashed. His neighbor, Molly O'Flanagan yelled from her back door, "Sean, you need more tail." Sean answered , That's what I told my wife and she told me to go fly a kite" | |
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| International sign language competition final play by play....
Posted: 4/2/2007 12:34:49 AM | The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one that I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."
Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" | |
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| My Joke Tread
Posted: 4/6/2007 11:10:46 AM | Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in
the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy. "
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while
so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she
said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well,
we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how
she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a
home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!" | |
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| My Joke Tread
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:45:07 PM | A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just as soon have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and only cost you $150.00?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2007 1:35:04 PM | Top 12 Country Songs
12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
And the number 1 Country Song is:
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:11:23 PM | | A naked lady stood in the mirror next to her husband and asked him:" do I look old and fat and please say something nice to me". The husband said to his wife:" your eyesight is perfect. He never hear the shot coming. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:55:10 AM | (Sorry, these are a bit of a groaner. )
My Job History
1. My first job was working in an orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
5-Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT, SO FAR, I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB.
(anon) | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:11:58 PM | This is for my buddy trubblemakr:
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:25:51 PM | A Startling statistic
A recent survey revealed that the average Canadian walks 900 miles per
year.
Another revealed that the average Canadian consumes 20 gallons of beer
per year.
Conclusion: The average Canadian gets 45 miles per gallon. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/17/2007 6:00:08 PM | Making a Baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The
man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes
the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in"
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/18/2007 5:24:41 PM | | Thanks for that. That was great...I'm still laughing. Mostly because it's so true! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/19/2007 1:17:43 PM | Here's some interesting facts:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A****oach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/19/2007 1:42:42 PM | An old couple meet at a singles dinner. They both find they love to fish, and make a date for the next day to go fishing. They meet at the dock , get in the boat and they are off. The old mans boat comes to a fork in the lake, and he asks which way, up or down??? They old women rips her clothes off, jumps on the old man and practically rapes him. When they were done having wild sex, they continue on to fish, on the way back, they come to the same fork..the old man ask..up or down??...Again, the old lady rips her clothes off and jumps on the old man to his delight. When he drops her at her car, he ask...wanna go tomorrow??..She says..OK.
They meet again and get underway, when they get to the fork, the man asks up or down?? The woman quietly says...down. They continue on and fish, on the way back, they get to the fork and the old man asks...up or down??...She quietly says ..up. They get back and the old man couldn't hide his dissapointment. He tells her he had a nice time, but wondered why today was differant when he asked the question??
She says..OOOH, yesterday...I didn;t have my hearing aide in and thought the options were...f.uck or drown?....:)
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:45:42 AM | Shopping.
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mist to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and there is a scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more. | |
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| Cucumber, Pickle & a Penis......
Posted: 4/20/2007 4:36:30 AM | I thought this was quite funny.
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" | |
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| Cucumber, Pickle & a Penis......
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:42:31 AM | | The pope, a bear and a lesbian all walk into a bar. The bartender asks...what is this?..some kinda joke??..... | |
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| THE NEW HUSBAND STORE
Posted: 4/22/2007 4:16:03 PM | A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description
of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are
six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends
the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs." The
second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."
The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids
and are Drop-dead Gorgeous." "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 4 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With
Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak."
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store." | |
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