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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:01:47 AM | A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in
the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:42:10 PM | Tree Front
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.
But first he must find a job.
He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie
states,****ure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a Shit behind it eh?." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:47:29 PM | THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, Come on...take a guess!
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:43:49 PM | A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships
were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but
that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get
them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was
such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to
buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book
a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned
to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for
three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not
trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing
it?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:27:14 PM | The River...
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof!
He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:35:57 PM | My children's personalities can best be described by their approach to laundry:
[Child One] Will take care of his own laundry as needed.
[Child Two] Will find a woman to do it for him.
[Child Three] Will wear dirty clothes.
[Child Four] Will happily go naked.
-Anonymous, for the sake of one of the children | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/18/2007 8:32:35 AM | ME FIRST!
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the photographer.
YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"
 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/21/2007 10:14:53 PM | HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than
you.)
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them
only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm
sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-
cha."
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly
what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in
the bathroom."
5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much
since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive
liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to
get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the
whole way.
8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell
people you're waiting for your document.
9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask
them if they want fries with that.
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in
an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask
her to settle the disagreement.
11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair-dancing.
12. Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it "IN."
13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or
cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining
that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh,
you've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone
has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/22/2007 1:05:56 AM | On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why
he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied,
"It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked,
"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend
it to, and for how long?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/22/2007 6:50:05 AM | >
> Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
>
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
> Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
> with that.
>
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
>
> 5. Put Decaf In The CoffeeMaker For 3 WeeksOnce Everyone has Gotten
> Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
>
> 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
>
> 7. Finish All Your sentences with"In Accordance With The Prophecy."
>
> 8. Dont use any punctuation
>
> 9. As Often As Possible, SkipRather Than Walk.
>
> 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
>
>
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go."
>
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
>
> 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
>
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
> All Day.
>
> 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
> Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
>
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,Rock
> Bottom.
>
> 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
>
> 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
> Yelling
> "Run For Your Lives,They're Loose!!"
>
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner."Due To TheEconomy, We Are Going To
> Have To Let One Of You Go."
>
> 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
>
Send this to your friends...group therapy!
> | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/23/2007 9:03:29 PM | ha ha ha!
now I am going to start back at the 1st page
 write on! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/24/2007 4:33:42 PM | 1st post hope these haven't been posted yet
- Smart Dog -
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog
playing
cards. The dog was
playing with extraordinary performance.
"Tis is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good
hand
he wags his tail."
----------
- Boy meets a girl -
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful
young girl who will
want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic,
"In biology class."
--------------------------
- Ready -
Person: Hi, I am having a trouble with my PC.
Technical Support: What does the screen say now?
Person: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.
Technical Support: Well?
Person: How do I know when it's ready? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/25/2007 9:34:06 AM | What Canadians Think About Everything
This may be slighjtly off topic, but it is amusing.
How Well Do You Know CANADIAN Attitudes?
This is a lot harder than you think!
Here is a quiz for you...........just go to the link below:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/special/canquiz2005/ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/30/2007 7:46:59 AM | FUNNIES ON LIFE
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front raws responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,
"Take the poison." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/30/2007 2:50:30 PM | BIOLOGY FINAL EXAM
Students in Biology class were taking their final exam. The last question
was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at
all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an "A" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/1/2007 2:20:51 PM | These are metaphors collected from a series of Grade 12 English essays. As far as my research - which consisted of watching Aqua Teen Hunfer Force - could determine, they're all genuine.
Kids today....
~
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword .
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 10:05:09 AM | A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered, "No, Grandpa. It's just a little pecker!
Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go F--K
yourself! Grandma made these cookies for me" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:15:10 PM | Shall We Gather At The River??
Hymn #365
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:42:19 PM | Dr. Suess for Grownups
SLAMMED I AM!
I would drink a beer
With a goat on a boat
In a box in my socks
In a car at a bar
I do, Ido, I do like
BEER!
---------
The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - - can you tell?
My body's drooping
I have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:47:20 PM | Cows
Out of the mouth of babes. A cattle rancher was in his barn trying to assist
one of his cows giving birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing
pie-eyed, watching the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm now going to have to start
explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let
him ask, and I'll try and answer."
When everything was over, the Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well
son, do you have any questions?" "Well just one, Dad" gasped the lad, with
his eyes still like saucers, Just how fast was that calf going when it ran
into the cows ass?" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/6/2007 8:45:54 AM | An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed:
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then................. pointa to your watch
and say, Times Up?" | |
|
| Broke Back Paratrooper
Posted: 6/6/2007 8:58:17 AM | A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day he called home to tell his father the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."
"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.
"Uh, no, I didn't. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the plane."
"Did you jump then?" asked his father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane.
I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?" the father again asked.
"No!!! He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.
Finally he called the Jump Master over. The Jump Master is this great
big guy, about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are you going to jump or not?"
I said, "No sir, I'm too scared.
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what.
I swear Dad it was about 12 inches long.
"He said, 'Either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."
"So, did you jump?" asked his father.
"Well…………….. a little, at first"
 | |
|
| Broke Back Paratrooper
Posted: 6/6/2007 2:18:25 PM | The Broken Lawn Mower
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/6/2007 11:05:18 PM | A burglar is busily ransacking a house when he hears a voice from another room, "Jesus is watching you!".
Cautiously entering the room where the voice is coming from he finds a parrot in a cage.
The parrot again says, "Jesus is watching you!" Relieved the burglar asks the parrot,
"And what's your name?" The parrot answers, "Moses."
"Now who would name their parrot Moses?"
asks the burglar.
"The same people that named their Rottweiler Jesus!" answers the parrot. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:15:11 AM | Automobile Air conditioner patent
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 and they turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused,
saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in. Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on millions of Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names of ... "Norm, Hi, & Max".
Now, I'll bet you didn't see that coming!! | |
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