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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/29/2007 6:18:20 AM | Two Crocodiles
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ***hole and a briefcase." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/30/2007 8:01:17 PM | The Rooster
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000.00, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,"Shhhh! They're getting closer."
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/31/2007 9:30:37 AM | What Is It:
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of eight inches long. Members of both sexes enjoy the functioning. It is usually found hung,dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of long hairy things at one end and a small round hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly into a warm, fleshy moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily motion.
Anyone listening in will surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance. Some of it will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistering shaft.
After everything is done, and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax two or three times a day, but often much less. What am I?
The answer to the riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:21:11 PM | Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the
way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:47:11 PM | Just a giggle I got in my email today:
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel
like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2007 7:00:32 PM | The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of
her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."
If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/7/2007 11:32:44 AM | A Simple Way to Feel Good
Smiling changes your attitude, raises your confidence,
and makes you more attractive.
By Devlyn Steele
As we rush through our busy days accomplishing our
tasks—work, kids, shopping, cleaning, and eating on
the go, we often complain that we don’t feel good.
There is a simple, quick, and effective way that you
can feel better throughout the day and also be more
attractive.
All you have to do is smile more.
Smiling changes your attitude, whether you realize it
or not. If you have any doubts, next time you feel
down, start smiling and thinking positive thoughts and
see what happens.
You can’t help but have a better attitude when you
smile. Smiling also raises your confidence.
Smiling affects our emotions because of a brain-body
connection. It triggers scientifically measurable
activity in the left frontal cortex—the area of the
brain where happiness is registered.
In fact, there is science dedicated to the study of
facial expressions and responses called FACS – Facial
Action Coding System. Your face has 44 muscles between
the skin, cartilage, blood, and bone that you contort,
flex, and move. This lets you make over 5000 different
types of expressions. That’s a lot of expressions! And
each will have a different affect on your feelings and
those looking at you.
Admit it, when someone is smiling aren’t you drawn in?
Don’t you enjoy that person’s company more? We all
do. Smiling is a very important part of connecting and
getting to know someone.
As your life-coach, I offer you this push. I want you
to smile. Go ahead. “SMILE!” Great!
Let’s do it again but this time breathe in through
your nose, let it out through your mouth and smile as
you let the air out. Doesn’t that feel good? The
breathing is very important. Your nostrils are
attached to the limbic system. The limbic system
controls your emotions, and when you breathe in deep
through your nose it has a calming effect on you. So
breathe in and smile.
Let’s add a final touch: “positive thinking.” It
doesn’t hurt to get excited and say out loud to
yourself, “I feel good and I am taking control and
finding my opportunities!” Go ahead and do it. Feel
that positive energy in your body and the release of
tension.
Now that you know how good smiling is for you, make a
conscious effort to use this smile exercise a minimum
of six times throughout your day. When you smile
remember to breathe in through your nose and think
positive thoughts. This I guarantee will make a
positive impact on your day and in your life.
In fact, the result from this simple exercise will
have a huge effect. Here’s a basic fact about energy:
it is attracted to energy of a similar frequency. So
when you smile not only will you make yourself feel
better, you will also attract positive energy into
your life.
So smile! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/7/2007 10:33:22 PM | Hahahahaha!
thanks for the laughs  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2007 6:46:09 PM | Flight Attendant
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed
a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow,she's so gorgeous she must
be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her
and uttered the Delta Slogan,
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself,
"Nope, not Delta."
He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally
kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan,
I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman savagely turned on him,
"What the f*** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said....
"Ah hah, Air Canada.!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2007 7:08:20 PM | The Cowboy and the Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID
badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie.. "You know how I work....You have
three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to
trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, an d it
looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is right.
"OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and
need me."
***POOF***
He was turned in to a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2007 8:01:25 PM | This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
GAUTENG: (A Province in South Africa - Johannesburg)
When you rearrange the letters:
GET A GUN
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2007 8:18:50 PM | Sorry Guys I just saw this posted else where on this site.
I will do a search next time, didnt mean to copy someone elses joke. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/9/2007 5:52:55 PM | Learning to Cuss
A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The
4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up running for the stairs, crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his
room and shouts, "You will stay in there until I let you out!!"
She then goes back downstairs; looks at the 4-year-old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/10/2007 6:15:52 AM | Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for Athena the wonder dog and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/10/2007 6:24:37 AM | >
>
>
>
>
> TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST
>
>
>
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
> comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A
> physician claimed that the following are actual
> comments made by his patients (predominately male)
> while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly
> going where no man has gone before!
>
>
> 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
>
>
> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
>
>
>
> 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there
> yet? Are we there yet?"
>
>
> 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now
> legally married."
>
>
> 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners,
> Chief?"
>
>
> 7. "You put your left hand in, you
> take your left hand out..."
>
>
> 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
> feels!"
>
>
> 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must
> quit!
>
>
> 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find
> my dignity."
>
>
> 11. "You used to be an executive at
> Enron, didn't you?"
>
>
> 12. "God, now I know why I am not
> gay."
>
>
> And the best one of all..
>
>
> 13. "Could you write a note for my
> wife saying that my head is not up there?"
>
>
>
>
>
___________________________________________________________________________________ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2007 4:43:30 PM | Word Play
CLINOPHOBIA is the fear of beds
PNIGOPHOBIA is a fear of choking on a fish bone.
MAGEIRICOPHOBIA is the intense fear of having to cook.
SCOPOPHOBIA is a fear of being looked at. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2007 5:03:33 PM | HAVE A NICE FLIGHT
The following are humerous accounts of actual announcements given by flight attendants and pilots. (As told by passengers on various airline flights).
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best fight attendants in the industry ... unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
After a particularly rough landing during a thunderstorm, a flight attendant announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, I'm sure everything has shifted."
From an airline employee: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and is you don't know how to use one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
From the pilot: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
After a real crusher of a landing, a flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
From part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll fly with us again."
As part of an announcement, "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2007 5:16:36 PM | WARNING/ATTENTION!
Province of British Colubmia, Ministry of Fish & Wildlife
Province de la Colobmia Britanik, Dept. de Poison et Animaux Sauvages
Due to the rising frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish & Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any other persons that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.
We advice the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.
We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry pepper spray with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.
Outdoorsmen should be also be on the watch for fresh bear activity and be able to tell the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Brizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2007 5:40:56 PM | Helpful Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
You'll never be awakened by the call of the loon if you have an unlisted number.
The best backpacks are named for national parks and mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics the "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and blech, however have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you xomething to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into the ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of a noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a pillow.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. (See above post for further details). | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/14/2007 10:30:48 AM | Sport Commentating Bloopers
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/15/2007 8:18:07 PM | I lie awake
I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking
about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you lay on my naked body...You sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while
you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore
witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
you...
YOU F***ING MOSQUITO!!!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF!!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/19/2007 10:00:35 PM | The Chicken And The Horse
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
anon | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:36:26 AM | Extinct
=======
Americans should be ashamed.
They’ve eaten so many billions of Buffalo wings
that many kids today
...have never seen a buffalo fly.
~A comment in the Atlanta Constitution newspaper~ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/23/2007 8:53:40 AM | THE RECIPE
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy
when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for
it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an
hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it
actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room
and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've
actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day
with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using
Crisco."
Wait for it ..........
Wait ..............
"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is
shortening!
MORAL: You've gotta follow the recipe!!! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/23/2007 9:34:30 AM | 50 years in 3 minutes
This may not be humourous, but it is interesting. I hope you enjoy.
http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~yeli23/Flash/Fire.html
This is great.....Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50
years of history in less than 3 minutes! Thanks to a Billy Joel song and
some guy from the University of Chicago with too much time to Google! | |
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| Page 50 of 76
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36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76 |
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