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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:55:14 AM | I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:53:17 AM | A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering" whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your f**king hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/25/2007 9:02:19 AM | TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
- Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
- Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the @#$% are we?"
- Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
- Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#$% was that?"
- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head
- JFK, 1963
And, the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton, 1997 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/27/2007 10:52:50 AM | "I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first,
get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You
get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for
High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you
go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like
central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as
an orgasm!! Amen." George Costanza - Seinfeld | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/27/2007 5:12:35 PM | Vanilla Pudding Robbery
Fri Aug 24, 2007 8:54 pm (PST)
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The next day the newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/28/2007 4:18:52 PM | Condom Slogans
List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your****
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/29/2007 5:26:42 PM | I'll try making people laugh in this thread.
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f... do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/29/2007 7:22:53 PM | A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 ... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/31/2007 2:54:22 AM | The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a****rooster and about ten hens One Saturday night the****rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected****ights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a****" - all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant”.
“Has anybody seen a****" -all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant”.
“Has anybody seen a****that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant”.
“Has anybody seen my****" -all the nuns stood up. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/31/2007 7:59:19 AM | OBSESSIONS!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D i c k we're leaving." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/31/2007 3:46:24 PM | Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.
St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it.
It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake.
A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.
As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.
It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna screw around?" | |
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Hal9K
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Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 1262 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/31/2007 6:43:27 PM | A three-year-old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replied: "Not yet."
=============================================
For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $500,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!"
====================================
t was Postman Dave's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.00
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, toast, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today could be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F**k him! Give him five dollars."
She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/1/2007 10:37:42 AM | An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
"Exactly," replies the Doc. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/2/2007 2:29:05 PM | A bit OT but better here than starting a new thread.
The Stranger......
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the Stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the Stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?..............
See below:
We just call him, "TV."
Note: This should be required reading for every household in America !
P. S. He has a wife now....We call her "Computer." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/3/2007 7:53:28 AM | Okay...this is the only joke I know...(albeit its actually a riddle)...
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The flavor. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/3/2007 11:57:24 AM | Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things willhappen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/3/2007 6:59:11 PM | New Pet
I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time, this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**ing shoes on." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/3/2007 9:53:33 PM | What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
Liquor in the Cabinet. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/4/2007 10:07:44 AM | | Very good! Thanks for the laugh. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/4/2007 8:07:32 PM | Italian Sex
The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body
all over with schmaltz (chic fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end !"
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she
screamed for fifteen minutes !"
The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she
screamed for over six hours !"
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could
you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"
The Italian man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:14:56 AM | OMG I just fell out of my chair laughing. And I'm at work so people are going think I'm crazy. That is hilarious. I'm going to use that story and tell everyone it mine | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:25:31 AM | I mean I was laughing at this
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/5/2007 7:06:19 PM | Tillie, Maude & Gertrude
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a
quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened
his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far . . . . | |
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MzElle
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Joined: 5/25/2007
Msg: 1274 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:12:20 PM | **** I apologize in advance should this joke offend anyone****
Steve was driving in his work truck down the backroads towards town when all of a sudden his truck stops. He gets out of the truck and looks under the hood "Dammit!"
He kicks the tires and and calls his boss and he says "Just start walking towards the main highway and we'll send a truck to pick you up."
Just as Steve starts walking towards the highway, he can hear tires speeding down the gravel road. A truck full of natives pull over beside him. 3 in the front, 4 in the back.
"Hey man! You need a hand? What's the problem?" One of the natives ask.
Steven responds with frustration "Damn piston broke!"
The natives start chuckling and one yells "Hey! Us too! Pissed and broke!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/6/2007 3:20:09 PM | The Gunfighter
In the days of the old Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in the saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old guy.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, fer one thing, yer wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot The bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" he yelled, "Got any More tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that Axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp finishes playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much." | |
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