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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/6/2007 4:11:23 PM | Ohhhhhhhh, a real "groaner"..........
Several Nuns were in there second floor convent
one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there
habits off and tied them together to make a rope to
get out of the building via the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the
building, a news reporter came over to one of the
Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the
habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?
The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits
are hard to break?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2007 1:11:49 PM | Mother of all jokes
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag
out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start
reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ....' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18.
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
started school'.
He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2007 2:42:54 PM | | I came from a very poor family growing up. In fact we were so poor if I hadn't been born a boy I wouldn't of had anything to play with. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2007 5:14:19 PM | my mum came round and nipped to the loo
she came down and said you need a toilet brush
so i bought one
used it for a fortnight and i had to go back to paper my arse was red raw | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/8/2007 7:20:17 PM | too many pages on this thread to know if these have been posted yet, so...............................what the heck!
The Best "Out of Office" email replies:
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be
deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
individuals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You
are currently in 352nd place out of 1800, and can expect to receive a reply
in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/8/2007 7:25:12 PM | and another one..................................
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the Store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes
of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and
are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh,
mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have
a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that woman are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/9/2007 1:11:41 PM | Dating in 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yes," says Peggy Sues mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/11/2007 2:50:47 PM | 10 Year Old Blues ....
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/11/2007 2:55:19 PM | Jewish Divorce
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish
couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a GHET".
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the
woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the
Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish
faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
She replies.. "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the
entire prick! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2007 12:52:50 PM | The golden screw
Once upon a time, a lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All of the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
The lad's childhood years were very difficult, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. The lad, now a grown man, was thrilled. The next day he took his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a beautiful monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come and told the man to climb to the highest tower of the monastery and sleep. He promised that the following day when the man awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man woke, the man found the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and discovered that the screw had indeed been removed! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral of this story is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:54:50 PM | Dave the hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, .How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken **stard. You've shit the bed !! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:28:08 AM | New Viagra Slogans
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one
pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the
meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for
other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of
the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! (Budwiser)
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. (Bounty)
8. Viagra, like a rock! (Chevrolet)
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.(FED EX)
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. (ARMY)
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.(Yellow Pages)
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.(Secret)
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! (Burger King)
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! (GE)
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.(Partnership for a
Drug Free AMERICA) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:07:37 AM | Sweet Lil Sally
Little Sally came home from school and, with a smile on her face, told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No... salty!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:01:53 PM | The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first you don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become the member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:20:02 PM | Employee Want-Ads Translations
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast Learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the boss's travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documents and letters. | |
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| Something They Can Agree On ... Almost
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:59:11 PM | Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken
GENEVA—After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Jerome Maliszewski, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." Attendees at the combination summit and potluck dinner labeled it a qualified success, regretting the altercation that broke out between factions with differing views on skewer length. | |
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| Something They Can Agree On ... Almost
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:20:09 PM | SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007
This is sad but true.
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the RCMP are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. | |
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| Something They Can Agree On ... Almost
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:51:21 AM | Little Jonny gets home and walks passed his parents room to find them having sex....
His says "Dad, what are you doing?"
Dad replies "playing cards son, your mother is my wild card."
Jonny then walks passed his Brothers room to find him having sex with his girlfriend.
Jonny says "Bro', What are you doing?"
Bro answers "Playing card, shes my wild card"
Later the father walks passed jonny's room to find him mastabating.
Dad says with a laugh "what are you doing?", Jonny replies "Playing cards....who needs a wild card when you have a good hand!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:29:03 AM | Women are like cyclones....
When they are there, they are wet and wild.
But when they leave, they take the house, car, all your belongings and leave the kids. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:59:36 AM | Driving with Bush
George Bush and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bush told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bush sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
'What happened to you', asked Bush.
The driver said, 'Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me'.
'My God, what did you tell them', asks Bush.
The driver replied, 'I'm George Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig'. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:19:12 PM | There was an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic.
And he would lie awake at nite wondering whether or not there really is a dog.
 | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 4:28:42 PM | I'm A Middle-Aged Woman
Lisa Koch
http://www.heylisa.com/music-71.html
If you are under 25 play this or send it to your Mom
She’ll probably kill you but you will be laughing as she does it!
I'M A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
I'm a middle-aged woman, and I'm really in my prime
I'm a middle-aged broad, and I'm looking mighty fine
Mature and sexy, healthy and fit
Nice and ripe, and I can't remember shit
I'm irritable and crabby, and my mood is on the swing- yes, it is
My cycles are irregular, and my underwear clings
My thermostat has really gone awry
I'm sweating like a pig, while my cha cha is totally dry
Ooohhh, I'm working on a hot flash
Yeah, I'm on the verge
Building up steam for a power surge
Hot flash
Now my face is red
Looking for a towel to mop my head
Hot flash
Ooh, it comes on quick
My pants are drippin' and my skin is slick
(pant pant pant) Is it warm in here?
(pant pant pant) Is it hot in here?
Hot flash
At the grocery store
Jammin' my head in the freezer door
Hot flash
200 degrees ... (spoken) What are you lookin' at?
I'm perimenopausal, and I can't remember squat
There's a ringing in my ears, and I tend to fart a lot
A 5 o'clock shadow wasn't in my plan
Everytime I sneeze, I fricking pee my pants
I can't sleep through the night, my libido's out of whack
I've got bifocal contacts, and I'm sweating more than Shaq
I'm feeling really anxious, maybe I could score some crack
Or drink some black cohosh tea (bleah, ick)
I'm a middle-aged woman, I suddenly don't remember who you are
I must be a musician, because I'm playing a guitar
Yes, I'm a middle-aged, here on this stage
I'm middle-aged, completely crazed
I'm middle-aged ...
(Don't mess with my Social Security!)
Middle-aged woman!
| |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:27:47 PM | The Tractor
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads
with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to
the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed
here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you
a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation
and said,"Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new
two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that
tractor is paid for . "Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his
youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him
the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the
whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over
and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back,mumbling to himself the whole
time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He
didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"The little boy looks his Dad
right square in the eye and says, "Hey,nobody rides anything around
here until that damn tractor is paid for." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:47:08 PM | MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. 'This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends.'
B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.'
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
* If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:58:33 PM | computer news
**SUMMARY OF MY**** ****LAST TWO YEARS**** ON THE COMPUTER*** **
***I NOW HAVE TO:::..............**
I have to scrub the top of every can I open.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for
life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with an infected needle.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day.. | |
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