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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/17/2007 10:47:02 AM | THE UGLY FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.
So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
s she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, young, handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/17/2007 5:17:12 PM | WOMEN DRIVERS ...
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected
an important call.
Damn women drivers!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/18/2007 7:17:07 AM | Newfie Talking Clock
A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple
of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the Newfie.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave
the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You ***hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/22/2007 12:40:48 PM | Toronto banks
A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 however he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Newfie replied: "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" Ah, the Newfs..... | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/23/2007 4:02:04 PM | Drugs...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He
bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings ."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve
beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer,
I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings ."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs. "
...........You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barb!tchyouate." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/25/2007 2:48:47 PM | Cowboy boots
A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 9/28/2007 2:53:18 PM | An Amazing Elephant Story...
Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too soppy for me but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:04:40 AM | Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said
to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in
Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer.
"What the Hell is this??? he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you
put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle
Grow'." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/3/2007 6:50:31 AM | A Professional
==============
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"
 | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:45:11 PM | One day two guys were overheard talking at a psycho ward
"My imaginary girlfriend just wants to be friends"
"My last date said I was crazy and should be locked up"
Other guy"That's all women talk about- commitment, commitment , commitment" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/5/2007 2:36:06 PM | Happy Thanksgiving to all...
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all - Pass the cranberries, please!
May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/5/2007 2:40:39 PM | Happy Thanksgiving
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:54:48 PM | Nair Hair Removal (HELPFUL DRUGGIST)
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remove and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: ........ "Stay off your bicycle for a week." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/10/2007 8:19:53 AM | Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie
got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if
you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend.... So she called him and explained the situation
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the
proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting
for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend
calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The **stard had all
quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
entirety before agreeing to it or you might get screwed! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/10/2007 4:31:00 PM | Life Expectancy Calculator
How long will you live?
Interesting little test
Have a guess and then compare your guesstimate with http://www.poodwaddle.com/realage.swf
So should you put money into RRSPs or are you following the philosophy that only the good die young! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/11/2007 4:14:24 PM | PUNS
> 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The
> ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
>
> 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
> but don't start anything."
>
> 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
>
> 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
> 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
> "A beer please and one for the road."
>
> 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other; "Does this
> taste funny to you?"
>
> 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
> sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
> "Is it common?" "Well, "It's Not Unusual."
>
> 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
> Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
>
> 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
> look at either.
>
> 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
>
> 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
> find any.
>
> 12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
>
> 13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
> says, "Dam!"
>
> 14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
> craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it too.
>
> 15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
> in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
> why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
> chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
> a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
> they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
> birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
> wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. her husband responds, "They're
> twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
> produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
> which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
> breath. This made him..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). ........A
> super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 18. There was the person who sent eighteen different puns to her friends
> with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
> ten did. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/11/2007 4:48:56 PM | Getting Old
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with God ?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof ! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof ! The light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine ! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off ?'
'Oh my God !' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again ! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/11/2007 4:51:55 PM | Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. Im a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me"
"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments. Then she asked "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/11/2007 6:02:21 PM | OT
Message from a hard working Canadian
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes
my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, as I work
on a rig site or a Fort Mac construction project, I am required to pass
a random urine test, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to
people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a
urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it
for them...??
Please understand - I have no problem with helping people get
back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping
someone sit on their arse drinking beer & smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the provinces would save if
people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque...? Please
pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you
all will pass it along though, because something has to change in this
country, and soon...! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:01:09 AM | Miramichi Department of Natural Resources
An Upper Miramichi man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving the river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish ?'
'Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish ?'
'Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of Bull! Fish can't do that!'
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works.'
'Okay, I've GOT to see this!'
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, 'Well?'
'Well, what ?' said the man.
'When are you going to call them back ?'
'Call who back ?'
'The FISH!'
'WHAT FISH ?'
We from the Miramichi may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/17/2007 8:12:22 AM | Just in case you are feeling smart today
You should take this test, it is very funny, I missed all questions.
Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/17/2007 8:33:22 AM | More Halloween fun!
http://dedge.com/flash/hangman/hangman.swf?a=300 | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/18/2007 11:40:23 PM | DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys.
Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/19/2007 3:27:31 PM | | Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight... not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris! | |
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