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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:07:16 AM | This hilarious cartoon could serve to show me the source of my headaches.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLHMhKF5w2M | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/29/2007 1:21:30 PM | a manc fan and a liverpool fan are stranded in the desert, all there doin is arguing about footy
"weve won the premiership says the manc"
"**** you says the scouser weve won the champions league"...
then they see a lamp in the sand, and the manc rushes over too it and rubs it..
WHOOSH... out pops a genie and grants them one wish each. the manc butts in and says "he's first"
"I want to be back in my beloved manchester and i want a wall around manchester to keep them ****in scousers out"
Whoosh there he is back in manchester with a 20 foot wall round the place
the genie turns to the scouser and tells him its his turn!!!
Fill the ****er with water the scouser replies | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/29/2007 1:27:23 PM | new scotland yard have issued a terrorist alert today and have reported that they found a car bomb outside a mosque....
please said that there was now nothing for the public to worry about as they had mnanaged to push the car inside!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:30:33 AM | WHY GOD MADE MOMS-
(Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions):
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy .
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:34:50 PM | She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in. She turned and said,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:46:02 PM | Pour les plus de 60...
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 + year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60 + year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60 + year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60 + year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60 + year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:54:11 PM | Margs week AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny **** to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that **** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/4/2007 5:47:50 AM | ....... This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next
time you need to return something and they are giving
you a hard time!!!!!!!
A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the
clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought
because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't
give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and
started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's
wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also
tells her that he can't give her a refund because she
bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air
and screams,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was
quickly refunded!!
Now stop laughing and send it to your friends. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:55:34 PM | The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat.
'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said....
'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
sh*t on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/4/2007 8:18:56 PM | Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting
in the first row
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and
whispers something to
Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at
Hillary, looks back at
the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr.. President, it was an
unanimous request of the
entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat
boy."
Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when
the agent tells him
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and
says, "Ok!If that is what the people want."
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat
of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over
the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill
you!"$#@&!&!&!&!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up
and down, cheering,
hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is
bowing, smiling and waving to
the crowd. He leans over the agent and says, "How
about that! I would
have never believed how much everyone would enjoy
that!"
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks
what is wrong. The
agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw
out the first PITCH!"
______________________________________________ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/4/2007 8:20:38 PM | Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting
in the first row
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and
whispers something to
Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at
Hillary, looks back at
the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr.. President, it was an
unanimous request of the
entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat
boy."
Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when
the agent tells him
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and
says, "Ok!If that is what the people want."
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat
of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over
the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill
you!"$#@&!&!&!&!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up
and down, cheering,
hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is
bowing, smiling and waving to
the crowd. He leans over the agent and says, "How
about that! I would
have never believed how much everyone would enjoy
that!"
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks
what is wrong. The
agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw
out the first PITCH!"
__________________________________________________ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/4/2007 8:22:33 PM | Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting
in the first row
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and
whispers something to
Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at
Hillary, looks back at
the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr.. President, it was an
unanimous request of the
entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat
boy."
Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when
the agent tells him
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and
says, "Ok!If that is what the people want."
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat
of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over
the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill
you!"$#@&!&!&!&!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up
and down, cheering,
hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is
bowing, smiling and waving to
the crowd. He leans over the agent and says, "How
about that! I would
have never believed how much everyone would enjoy
that!"
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks
what is wrong. The
agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw
out the first PITCH!"
__________________________________________________ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/5/2007 8:56:51 AM | Andy Rooney on women over 40
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:58:40 AM | 20 things you didn't know about your body
The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.
This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.
* Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
* The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
* You use 200 muscles to take one step.
* The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
* Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
* A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
* A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
* The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
* The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
* It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
* The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
* Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
* At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
* There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
* Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
* The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
* Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
* When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
* Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
* Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
....Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/6/2007 1:56:36 PM | Rednecks & the Goat
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! " | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2007 3:05:11 PM | VODKA
Who knew!!!!
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five
minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and
kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth
of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer
bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or
black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the
sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and
back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the
urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb
some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2007 3:22:46 PM | The Sex Fairy
This is hilarious! Be sure to read
the warning at the bottom. I didn't
change a word! I'm not messing
with the Sex Fairy!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when
women make love they produce
amounts of the hormone estrogen,
which makes hair shine and
skin smooth.
=============
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking
reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes.
The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up
those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports
you can take up.
It stretches and tones up just
about every muscle in the body.
It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need
special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild
depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a
sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more
you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities
of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the
opposite sex crazy!
==============
7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in
the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep
the dentist away. Kissing
encourages saliva to wash food from
the teeth and lowers the level of
the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches.
A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels
in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock
a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.
=============
This message has been sent to you
for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in the basement of the
Dwight House Pub. It has been
sent around the world nine times.
Now sex has been sent to you. The
'Hot Sex Fairy' will visit
you within four days of receiving
this message, provided you, in turn,
send it on.
If you don't, then you will never
receive good sex again for the rest
of your life. You will eventually
become celibate, and your genitals
will rot and fall off. This is no joke!
Send copies to people you think
need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send
money, as the fate of your genitals
has no price.
Do not keep this message. This
message must leave your e-mail in
5 hours. Please send ten copies and
see what happens in four days. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/8/2007 1:55:33 PM | Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
For Goodness sake.........Act your age........ there is no Santa | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/10/2007 10:00:07 AM | Stella Awards 2006
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts that happened in the U.S. during 2006. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the 'Stellas' for the past year:
To kick things off the right way, there was a three-way tie for 5th place:
** Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
** Also in 5th place is Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, CA. You knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? He won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman, apparently, didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
** The last of the 5 th place winners was Terrence****on, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately, for****on, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he couldn't get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when****on pulled it shut. Forced to subsist for eight. count 'em, 8!!! days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay****on $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more.
** Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4 th place in the 'Stellas' when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr scratch, scratch.
** Third Place went to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there, there are only two more Stellas to go.
** Second Place goes to Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000
...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
** Finally, (may I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please) this year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home-from an OU football game, no less-having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Don't look so incredulous. Remember, we're talking about Oklahoma here. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her-you are sitting down, right?-$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might buy a motor home. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/11/2007 3:00:26 PM | | In case you really believed this, see: www.joke-archives.com/lawyers/bogusstellas.html | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/13/2007 4:59:07 PM | | Thank you "thatone" for telling me that even when referring to the Stella's, people lie! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/13/2007 4:59:39 PM | The proposal
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked,
"Was that one word or two?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/14/2007 8:15:04 AM | Prince Charles & the punch line
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was
almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty Pounds!" He'd yell back,
"Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband'
on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better
have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the
prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
pounds, you tight ba$tard?!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:37:50 PM | This is funny. Some version of England's American Idol. This one actually made Simon Cowl laugh.
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=3076 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:45:13 PM | SMART OR STUPID!
This is VERY fast so be prepared.
http://www.flashbynight.com/test/ | |
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