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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/15/2007 4:13:28 PM | Best Scottish joke?
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:29:03 PM | Don't let newfies drink and drive
A Newfie - let's call him Kenny, driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees!
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to A stop. The officer approaches Kenny's car and asks him what on Earth he was doing!
Kenny tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says . . . . . "Fer Chris' sakes Kenny! That's yer air freshener!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:34:04 PM | Black Panties!!!!!
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: " What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:36:30 AM | The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or Significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Here have some chocolate.
http://www.businesscolony.com/customer_service.asf | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2007 4:14:22 PM | Woman's poem & man's poem
WOMAN's POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
pray he's gainfully employed,
And,when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:48:27 PM | IF MY BODY WERE A CAR ...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull ....
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially
hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip
and slide and skid and bump into things even in the
best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:52:12 PM | Driver's licence - this is scary!
Just received this from Ontario, I cannot believe this is happening to us, how do they get this information.
Check your driver's license. I was shocked when I saw this. I tried this, and what I found was frightening! We should all be writing our politicians about this!!! Check your driver's license information online. Now you can see anyone's drivers license on the Internet, including your own! It asks for U.S. Information, but fortunately it works for Canadian Licenses as well. I just searched for mine and there it was.... Picture and all! This is just too much! Can you say 'invasion of privacy'?!
I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Go to the website and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name (for Canadians just leave it as 'Select a State') to see if they have yours on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'.
http://www.license.shorturl.com | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:02:09 PM | Amish Sex-Ed
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:02:10 PM | And They Ask Why I Like Retirement?
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there .
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:17:09 PM | A DAY AT THE RIVER
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story......
(Maybe not the one most of you expect....
So, read on!)
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly..
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly .
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pu$$y is gonna be in serious danger.
... That's All Folks !! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/24/2007 3:23:16 PM | he Genie said "No. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third world countries & fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:38:16 PM | Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/26/2007 10:28:43 AM | Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me. Yesterday I set off for work leaving my husband
in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down
the road when my engine died and the car slowed to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, he is 34, and we have been married for
twelve years.
When I confronted him, he said that he heard a lady scream and went next
door to rescue her, but found her unconscious. He carried the woman
back to our house, laid her on the bed, and began CPR when she awoke and
immediately began thanking him and kissing him. He was attempting to
break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had
any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to
him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
*************
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of things. Start by checking for debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold
for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps,
Ted | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/26/2007 10:30:15 AM | Horse Talk
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you d-ckhead,
for the last time..........BRING POSSE!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/26/2007 10:34:52 AM | Incontinent Vegetarian
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/26/2007 10:47:33 AM | Animal Collective
Everyone knows that a group of sheep are called a flock and a group of fish are called a school. Here are some collective terms that may not be used anymore, but are nonetheless accurate.
A bale of turtles
A bed of clams
A bevy of quail
A brace of ducks
A brood of chicks
A crash of rhinoceri
A down of hares
A drift of swine
A drove of cattle
A cast of hawks
A clowder of cats
A clutch of chicks
A colony of ants
A gaggle of geese
A gang of elks
A knot of toads
A leap of leopards
A litter of pigs
A mob of kangaroos
A murder of crows
A muster of peacocks
A nest of vipers
A pack of wolves
A pod of whales
A pride of lions
A skulk of foxes
A sleuth of bears
A span of mules
A volery of birds
A watch of nightingales | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/8/2007 7:15:09 PM | SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?
The population of Canada is 32.5 million.
14.5 million are retired or on welfare .
That leaves 18 million to do the work.
There are 12.5 million in school.
Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.
Of this there are 1.5 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 4 million to do the work.
0.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with Afghanistan & finding Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 3.9 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 3.6 million people who work for provincial and municipal governments.
And that leaves 0.3 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 228,000 people in hospitals and care homes.
Leaving 72,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 71,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer,
reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice !! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/8/2007 7:18:39 PM | Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married:
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.
Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed .... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos equals MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, Shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/9/2007 7:40:44 PM | Church Bulletins
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences ( with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practise.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in t he park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:28:30 PM | The Blonde Cowboy
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
and his boots and arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and ask
me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me
to pull off my pants . . . so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks
me to pull off my shorts . . . so I did. Then she gets on the bed and
looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy... ".
And here I am.
Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist!! | |
|
| My dumb joke....
Posted: 12/12/2007 3:39:35 AM | How do you put out a MAXI PAD on FIRE????????????????
YOU "TAMPON" it !! 
LMAO  | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 12/12/2007 8:06:18 AM | Baby Boomers
I thought this was funny UNTIL he mentions ALL the medications that some people have to take!!!
LOL Now, I know I’m getting OLD!!!
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:34:23 PM | Virgil and Floyd
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
mar'juana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there alright!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's
Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
Merry Christmas, Buddy!!"*
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun). | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 12/13/2007 5:02:45 PM | Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.' | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2007 7:29:43 PM | Its crap But one of my favourites
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a flea??
A: Itchy****br>
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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