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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2008 12:07:48 PM | Newfoundland Sausage
'In what aisle could I find da Newfoundland sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you from Newfoundland?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask ya somethin'. If I had asked ya fer Italian sausage would ya ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked fer German bratwurst, would ya ask me if I was German? Or if I asked fer a kosher hot dog would ya ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked fer a Taco would ya ask if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no!'
'If I asked fer some Irish whiskey, would ya ask if I was Irish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well den, why did ya ask me if I'm frum Newfoundland just because I asked fer Newfoundland sausage?'
The clerk replies, 'Because you're at Home Depot.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2008 12:10:35 PM | A request for 2008
To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THEM WORKED!.
For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers.
Thank you! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/28/2008 6:20:51 PM | The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber go es to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, an MP comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the great citizens of this country and the greedy and selfish "........" of our Government!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 1/29/2008 5:04:27 PM | A Different Twist to Estate Planning
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a
wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he
spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her,
but in just a few years, my father will die,
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his
business card and three weeks later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:19:31 PM | Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No!' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes!' she replied.
Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'
That's the last thing I remember.
Darn woman, she has absolutely NO sense of humour! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:33:28 PM | Englishmen
Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked ,What are you selling here??
One of the men replied sarcastically, We're selling arseholes.
Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, 'You are doing well ... Only two left!'
Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:26:21 AM | | Andy came to work one day, limping badly. Billy, a colleague, noticed and asked him what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while." Billy said, "I didn't know you played football." Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost £100 to the bookies on a match and I put my foot through the television." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/4/2008 12:40:17 AM | Hi Viv, thanks for the link to the Pingu game, I've not played that in years!!     | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/4/2008 8:17:26 PM | Colorectal Surgeon
This came to me with music, some Scotish lilt which I failed to recognize. But enjoy the rhyme!
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!
Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, 'Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands.'
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/6/2008 8:44:39 AM | Fishing
I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know if she was joking... | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/6/2008 8:53:31 AM | Blonde & Football
Football FINALLY makes sense...
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were trying to kill each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
... and .
... I'm like ...
... Helloooooo??? ...
... Hey Guys .
It's only 25 cents!!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/6/2008 9:02:54 AM | REMEMBER:
To make it stand. You wet it!
To make it wet.......... You suck it!
To make it stiff........... You lick it!
To get it in................. you push it!
DAMN.......
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Threading a needle when you're old, ain't no joke ! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/7/2008 4:20:38 AM | A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood up and walked to the podium. She said "I wish to praise."
Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man stood up and walked to the podium. He said "Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, that the word is 'STERNUM'!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/7/2008 4:28:44 AM | Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special****ails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian****ail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/7/2008 6:00:47 PM | Interesting Human Body Facts That You Cannot Live Without
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
-Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
-The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
-The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
-If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
-Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair
-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
-The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .
. . . they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
-Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
-Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
-The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
Checked the length of your thumb didn't you?
YUP! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/8/2008 9:06:52 AM | A Scottish guy walks into a Glasgow Library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, de yee hiv any books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fouk off, ye'll no bring it back!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/8/2008 9:18:03 AM | Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:07:18 AM | BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday !
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:30:49 PM | Wal Mart
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/10/2008 6:46:57 PM | THE CANADIAN WAY
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,'That's a karate chop from Korea.
Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan', he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, tell him that was a f-ckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/12/2008 5:50:18 PM | IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Country club........................ (takes a breath).. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant . Come here and give yer old Dad a hug." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/14/2008 8:39:05 AM | Neat info!
This is very interesting! After reading it, you'll go 'duh, I didn't know that.'
'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. ? (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our noseand ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/15/2008 7:13:49 AM | Wow I can't believe this thread is still running! 
---------------------
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said,
"Look, it's okay. She's not here!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/19/2008 3:47:58 PM | Touching Grandmother Story
A nice story - will make you appreciate family . . . however for most of us, it's too late!
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her soft Scottish voice. "Makes your d i ck look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? | |
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