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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/19/2008 5:54:54 PM | SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/19/2008 7:17:19 PM | Coffee
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish V iagra".
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle
in his eye, and with hi s pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop
of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/20/2008 5:07:10 PM | Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/21/2008 1:45:35 PM | Vet school lesson
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For
an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead
and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:37:21 AM | Dolly Parton And Queen Elizabeth
Dolly Parton And Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure It will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? Didn't I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:41:21 AM | Engineers:
Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Ottawa. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/23/2008 10:29:23 AM | Bank Robber
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:10:48 PM | Johnny the Baptist
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:14:20 PM | All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge!
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:18:01 PM | Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
>section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
>asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
>budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.
>
>
>The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
>the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
>of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000
>foot drop and says,
>Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
>one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
>
>
>Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
>bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his
>best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
>"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
>
>
>
>THERE'S MORE...
>
>
>
>Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
>shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
>cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
>"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
>lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
>with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
>shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he
>hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head
>and says,
>"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
>
>
>
>IT IS NOT OVER YET...
>
>
>Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
>appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
>out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
>and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he
>hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
>"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
>den Seamus parrotshooting...
>
>
>
>and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:21:20 PM | Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
>
>John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of Me
>life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
>for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I
>won the prize for the Best Toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now.
>And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
>life, sitting in church Beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed,
>John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
>buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John
>won the prize the other night At the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She
>said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
>only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, And
>the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:24:00 PM | Subject: Definition of a bad day in SAN FRANCISCO
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came
upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped
his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the
other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to
you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When
he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: 'This
just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:39:37 AM | Canadian Poem
It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:30:26 PM | The perfect Dress
A woman dropped in unannounced at her son's house. Having knocked on the door she immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?' | |
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| On the run
Posted: 2/28/2008 1:09:25 AM | An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on the run from the cops
they come around a corner and see three empty sacks so they jump into one each
The cops come blazing around the corner and see the three sacks
the lead cop goes up to the first sack and gives it a swift kick,
the englishman inside the sack goes "meow"
the cop says "must be a sack full of kitens"
so he goes up to the next sack and gives it a swift kick,
the scotsman inside the sack goes "woof"
the cop says "must be a sack full of puppies"
so he goes up to the third sack and gives it a swift kick,
and the Irishman inside it screams out
"POTATOES!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2008 3:49:30 AM | didya know ?!? there's a new store in town that sells new boyfriends
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Boyfind Store.
A new "Girlfriends Store" opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/28/2008 9:16:46 PM | What Next?
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their
sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they
rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are
crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the two gays,
she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so
happy. This just proves our love for one another."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch
what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/29/2008 12:01:57 PM | Bill and Hillary
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York .... how this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who's speaking?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:45:11 AM | BLESSED CANADA
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."
AND NOW YOU KNOW. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:46:09 AM | | ha ha........................................................................................................................ | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:01:20 PM | To impress his date, a somewhat arrogant young guy took her to a very chick expensive restaurant.
After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu, knowingly looked over all the items and ordered the Chef's Special.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said
"Sorry, Sir," said the waiter, "That's the owner." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:42:43 PM | Letter to Bush from Osama Bin Laden
After saying numerous times, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of what looked like a coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Completely baffled, Bush showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could decode it at the FBI, so they sent it to the CIA, NSA then to MI6 and the Mossad. In a last desperate cry for help, Bush sent it to RCMP.
A minute or so later, the RCMP emailed the White House:
"Please advise the President that he's holding the message upside down." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2008 5:25:35 PM | Three kick rule
A big-city, U.S. lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it.' The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.' The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three-Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, 'What is the Canadian Three-Kick Rule?'
The farmer replied, 'Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, 'Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!'
The old farmer grinned and said, 'Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/4/2008 2:25:34 PM | NEWFIE 911
Two Newfie buddies are walking home from the local pub when one of them
drops to the side walk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the cell phone and
dials 9-1-1. The Operator immediately asks: 'What is the emergency and where are
you?' The Newfie buddy replies: ' I don't know what happened, we were walking
home on Eucalyptus street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell down!'
The operator asked: 'How do you spell the name of the street?'
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator now really concerned kept
shouting because she could hear him panting! Finally he came back on the
line and said: 'I dragged him over to Oak street, that's O-A-K.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/10/2008 9:25:26 PM | Testicles
The testicles of an Alberta midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The
midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left
testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to
check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once
more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted
with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.
What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots. | |
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