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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2008 6:11:28 AM | Seeking Employment, Bush resume
This individual seeks an executive position.
He will be available in January 2009, and is willing to relocate.
RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas. In 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favour power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government
(next to the President - this is the most powerful Department in our Government).
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2008 3:48:45 PM | Kid's tell it like it is...
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP!
A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;
"I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a
beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out,
"Run for your life, she's backing up!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/13/2008 12:44:32 PM | | Hey Vivienne, the post on Bush - that's not funny! Its really too sad. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2008 6:58:06 AM | | Well diamondgal, what better place to post the Bush resume than the humour section. No one takes him seriously! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2008 6:59:39 AM | Golf Lessons
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your stance is too wide." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2008 3:46:57 PM | The “Pet” Peeves that Dogs have about Humans
'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
'7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/14/2008 3:50:08 PM | | If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitzu would it be called Bullshit? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/15/2008 2:07:56 PM | Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly re turn to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in- law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:56:06 PM | Golf Genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through
the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see
how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped
in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars
a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "
And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't
mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said.
"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:27:49 AM | Update on Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. "
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:31:23 AM | IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVISORY
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask
your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better
and more confident about yourself and your actions.
White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost
immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you
can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past
and you will discover many talents you never knew
you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
White Wine may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use
White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke
and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or
Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in
dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to
think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you
can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE
WITH RED WINE!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:51:53 AM | You gotta try this Tattoo
1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE : http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE.
3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE.
(Skip your e.mail address.)
4. have a full screen
5. Click on vizualizar and watch what happens. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:44:33 AM | THE JOY OF AGING
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
____________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
____________________________________________________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_______________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
____________________________________________
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Oh and I've just found an Easter Egg!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:51:23 PM | You gotta see this in its entirety
This is clever . I hope he is as creative at his real job.
http://fc02.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2008 3:31:51 PM | Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10 He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2008 3:36:29 PM | Broke Back Deer Camp
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl
shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and busy tailed. "Good Morning" he said. The other two couldn't believe
it! he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked "Man, what happened?" "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him goodnight. He sat
up and watched me all night"!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:43:30 PM | Que. How can you tell a bachelor from a married man?
Ans. A bachelor comes to work from a different direction each morning. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:01:01 AM | | I was in Amsterdam with a black friend years ago.We were driving for quite awhile I said to him do you really think theres anything to that black--white thing.He said na mon dont worry we just have to stay in bed longer to get down to your size. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/26/2008 4:24:20 PM | Blow'n in the Wind
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. ?
A gentleman approached her and said, 'Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?'
'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.'?
'But madam, he said, 'you must know that you're derriere is exposed!'??
The woman looked down,then back up at the man and said, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 3/27/2008 9:06:02 PM | For the past couple of year a friend and I have gone hunting for moose at Yellow Knife in Northern Canada. We are flow in and left for a week. That part of the world is so beautiful. This year the Northern Lights really provided a lot of entertainment. The sky was pretty too.
Before leaving us the pilot reminded us that we are allowed to take one only moose. After a week the pilot returned and discovers that my friend and I each have a moose. The pilot was very irritated and scolded us until we explained that the pilot that flew us last year accepted additional payment. With his profit margins running slim from the high price of fuel, he considers the additional money and asks “how much more?” Six hundred dollars, we reply in unison. The pilot thinks about it for a few minutes, then agrees.
Once we were finished mounting a moose to each wing we boarded the small airplane. After backing up as far as possible the pilot revved the engines, released the break and then the plane thrust forward. Pulling the stick back as hard far as it will go, the pilot yelled hold on! As we approached the tree line I closed my eyes just as we came to the treetops. An hour later I awoke to my friend standing over me. I asked, “Where are we” and he replied “about fifty feet further than last year.” | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:57:44 PM | A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. you
get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know
what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly,
to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool For four
weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but
noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! " | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:41:26 AM | Three Evangelical priests go to Africa to do missionary work.
They are captured by an African tribe and accused of insulting and offending the religion of the tribe.
The king of the tribe says,
"Even if you have committed a crime, you are priests. Therefore I will offer you a choice in punishment. ooga booga or death?"
The first priest thinks, "I don't know what ooga booga is, but anything is better than death." So he says,
"I choose ooga booga."
The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA!"
Ten tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the priest in the ass one after another.
The second priest sees all this and thinks to himself, "This is really bad, however, it's still better than the death". So he chooses ooga booga.
The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA".
Ten more tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the second priest in the ass one after another.
The third priest thinks to himself, "I will not let that happen to me, I prefer death to such degradation."
He says to the King, "I choose death!"
"Very well," says the King, "DEATH!!!.... by OOGA BOOGA!!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:42:14 AM | A man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice. The man turned to her and said,
"This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking glasses with the man, "What are you celebrating?" she asked.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence", she said. "For years my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"Oh, I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence......." she said. | |
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Mugen3
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Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 1474 | |
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:24:15 PM | A man dies and goes to Hell.
The Devil says, "well, you're in hell because you've done a lot of wrong in your life. However, hell is crowded so instead of punishing you with a new punishment I'll let you choose one I've ordered on another person and just have you take their place."
So first the man and the devil go to a room where a guy is diving into a pool, climbing out and diving in again over and over. The man thinks about this but tells the devil "you know I'm not a great swimmer so I don't want to trade places with this guy."
Next the devil takes the man to a room where a guy is walking around in a circle never to stop. The guy says "this is better but my feet will get tired quick."
So the devil takes him to the next room where Bill Clinton is getting a blow job from Monica that never stops. The guy gets excited and says "yes I can definitely handle this for the rest of time."
And the Devil says, "Great, Monica I've got great news for you, you're free to go!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/3/2008 12:54:20 AM | Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
(Short jokes are the best!) | |
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